Home for Christmas 

I did it. I made it through my first semester of university just 5 more till I finish it. Sure I have some assignments but it’s Christmas! They can wait. 

These past few months have been wobbly but I think I’m getting the hang of being a functioning human being. With university I thought by now I’d be a failure or dead. But I’m doing pretty good! I’m getting top grades and high marks for all of my modules! Which is so amazing and uplifting considering I spent my gap year think I was completely stupid and worthless! The workload is stressful but I’m getting used to it! 

Uni life itself has been easy to get used to. I love being at home and I love my family but the independence and adventure of university is so great. I go on adventurous  and funny quests with my best BOI (n fellow writer) and have late night chats about our stories n life. I have a couple of friends on my course they are lovely too! But I’m happy I  have been able to see my college friends recently I missed them. 

With my OCD, anxiety and depression I think I’m getting better. My therapy has finally started after months of waiting. I’ll admit I’ve had my lows but I’m getting better at dealing with it all. I’m stopping the downward spiral thoughts of self hate and depression and learning that, hey, maybe I’m not so bad? 

I’m really proud of how far I’ve come from the start of uni where The Wednesday™ and multiple breakdowns and bad days occurred. To being pretty good at my work, having adventures, fighting my mental health and starting to enjoy life. 

Now I’m sat snug with the Christmas lights and tree on. In a house full of my favourite people (and cats) on Christmas Eve eve. I feel really happy to be home for Christmas. 


Elysian wallflower 

I’ve always been a wallflower. I go unnoticed and I’m not really missed. It doesn’t bother me too much. Just somethings get me really upset. 

I guess I like attention but I wouldn’t say I’m an attention seeker. I just would like to be noticed once in a while. I guess that’s why I loved media in college so much. I was top of the class. Literally I got the highest grade and that’s because I worked the hardest. Sweat, blood and a lot of tears went into my work and it was noticed! People used to ask me for advice! My teacher would praise me. Not a lot because he was kinda serious and critical all the time (which helped me get an A in my coursework so fair enough). Also I have realised every media teacher I have met has come across mellow and dead inside. You can see why I find them so relatable and easy to speak too. 

But anyway. It just felt nice that someone noticed how hard I worked. How I had been that stressed I had messed up my health. I wasn’t sleeping well and I cried a lot. Because I wanted and needed to do so well. It’s weird but because I was so good I’m scared of what I’m going to be at university. I feel like I have to be one of the best. In my other classes I still worked hard. I wasn’t really noticed for it though. I wasn’t really noticed in a lot of things. 

I think over time I’ve just came to except that I’m a wallflower. I don’t really stand out. I’m not that special. I’d say I’m funny and have a really good imagination but that’s about it. It used to really upset me. How I was never the one that everyone wanted to be like or be friends with. I was never the one people praised for hard work. I didn’t really stand out to anyone no matter how hard I tried. 

That used to upset me. But lately I have been trying to change how I think. Try to be more optimistic. I think I’m a hidden gem. I go unnoticed and I don’t really stand out, but when I am noticed people see how special I really am. They see that I am an extremely loyal and caring friend. They see that I have an amazing imagination and have being drawing and writing stories since I could. They see that I’m really good and motivated in work I care about. 

I’ve finally accepted that I’m a wallflower. Because no one said the wallflower can’t be beautiful. And it’s time I started seeing myself as such. Just because I’m not noticed by everyone doesn’t mean I can’t notice how great I truly am! This has got to be the first time in years I have allowed myself to feel good about who I am. It feels nice and light!