I’m having a bad night.
I’ve had sleep paralysis again. It was pretty bad this time, I was having a nightmare at the same time. I could barely breathe I thought I was being strangled, I couldn’t make any sound and none of my muscles would work. In between trying to wake up, move and shout something was underneath my desk staring at me inching closer. I had a dream inside a dream inside a dream. It was horrible. I thought I had finally woke up but it was still the dream. Each time I woke up something was different. My blanket covered my face, the shadow creature was next to me, something pressed down on my chest and music was playing one time. But the worst part was when I managed to get up out of bed run over to the light switch, finally thinking I was awake only to turn back straight into the shadow and wake in the dream again. All this in between me actually opening my eyes trying to escape the dream.
I was shaking afterwards. I slapped my the sides of my face and scratched my arm to see if I was actually awake this time. I put my slippers on and jacket and have been sat in the kitchen with a few of my nocturnal flat mates. I don’t know whether they like me or are civil, but sitting with them made me feel calm and happy.
I’m okay now. Too stressed and if I’m honest, too scared to go back asleep. So I’m going to watch some Disney films until I am sleepy. This was only a bad night however. I have been doing great with my mental stuff. I guess that’s why I feel so annoyed that this is happened.
It has happened before, usually when I’m really anxious. I hate it so much. I hate feeling trapped in my own body unable to breathe. This post is a mess.
Ugghhhhhhhhhhhhhh… Why is it. That as soon as I feel like I’m doing pretty good. My issues and insecurities come and punch me in the gut?
I’ll be honest. I’ve had worse lows. This isn’t actually too bad. Because while my depression and anxiety is trying to knock me down I’m punching back. Two things are hitting me. On the left fist is extreme lack of motivation and on the right is my very strong self hatred.
The motivation thing isn’t too bad. I just need to get my ass in gear. Plus fear of failure usually kicks in with the pressure and I get it done. Self hatred however. Damn. It’s like a wall that occasionally jumps in front of me on my road to nowhere. It’s a large strong wall. Covered in rotting vines. It’s my worst enemy.
I have tried fighting it in little ways. Like accepting my flaws and giving up things. Like hey, yea, so what I’m pretty ugly, my body is gross and my personality is rotten. (I’m preeetty aware this an unhealthy way to deal with it. But it works). The better way I’ve been dealing with it is accepting little things about myself and learning to like them. I’m pretty okay at drawing. My imagination and stories I make are the best and amazing. Still trying to find good things about my appearance.
I guess I’m still finding my way with these things. I’m getting better! But right now my core feels like a black hole and I kinda want to cry because, shit I hate myself so much it’s ridiculous. But I’m rolling with these punches and fighting back.
2018? I’m fighting full force. It’s my year. The year I learn to love myself and kill my depression.
Living at university is weird. At the same time as feeling I have two homes it also feels like I have none. To add to that I’m drowning in work as well.
When I’m at home I feel more like a visitor or guest. I love being at home with my family but I don’t feel like I can talk to them about my problems that much at the moment. I don’t know why. There’s nothing wrong with my family. I can talk to my mum though. Then at university while my room feels like the closest thing to my space it also feels horribly claustrophobic. Sometimes incredibly lonely. I miss my family being around. Me and my fave boii have came up with a code to help each other escape from our cabin fever and go on a walk, which helps.
This probably sounds stupid. I’m really stressed lately. Most students are. With deadlines coming up fast and my motivation dropping faster. My back, neck and shoulders are in constant pain from being so tense. I’m getting migraines and nose bleeds. Which is nice. Reminds me of GCSE and A levels if I’m being honest. I have left exams with a clump of blood covered tissues thanks to stress and a shitty nose. It’s just a lot. I don’t want to fail. But I’m scared I might. I don’t think I’m good enough and I can’t get any motivation at the moment. But I’m trying to drag myself through.
This has just been a shit ramble. Plus I’m probably overtired, overdramatic and overthinking. Plus I kinda suck.
I’ve got a lot to say. It’s a whole bucket full of updates. It’s been a while since I have posted on here. Things have been tough but I’m ok. Things are getting better!
University life is hectic and fun but I’ve gotten used to it. Even if it takes me a day to find the motivation to do work then procrastinate till I fall asleep. It’s miracle. But I’m getting good grades!! I’ve been getting too marks for my story writing and planning. I have got As in digital communications. Shocking. Specially because I have literally no idea what’s going on in that class. Before reading week I also did a seminar group presentation! I swear it was terrifying. I had an anxiety attack over it. But with a lil dutch courage and no choice I did it! We were 2 marks off 100! I don’t know what I’m doing but it’s working.
With my mental fuckups. I’m doing better. After ages of waiting my therapy has finally started. My depression knocks me down somedays but that’s okay. I brush my self off and keep going. My OCD isn’t too bad. It’s kicked off recently when people have been in my room. The other week a couple of friends were in there. Nothing was wrong. It was fun and friendly. But after they left I had a panic attack. I’m learning how to deal with it. My flatmates are pretty good too. They kinda know not to touch my things or dishes. I hope I don’t annoy them. But I really appreciate them respecting my space. Anxiety sucks. But it’s okay.
Self hatred isn’t getting me down as much. I’ve found that accepting I’m shit in every aspect has helped me to care less. I’ve also decided it’s not going to stop me living. Yeah I suck. But we’re all dying. Fast. So I’m not gonna let my hate stop me from living. I can work on things I dislike. Maybe learn to love myself. But I’m going to enjoy living no matter what.
I’ll admit. A few things have popped up. Recently. Some things I can do nothing to help. Some issues that are gonna take time. But that’s okay.
This was a big ramble of useless information. But yeah. Life is getting better and I’m growing and bettering myself too 🙂
I’ve settled into uni life quickly. It’s almost like a dream or the Shining. I feel like I’ve always been here or at least been here for a while. The routine is back, the stress is constant and my head mates are trying to get me down again.
I’m not too down now. Yesterday my depression was pretty bad. It grabbed my legs and dragged me into an abyss of loneliness and self hatred. I felt awful. Like there was wind gushing at me but I was stood still even though I wanted to move. Cried for a bit, did some mindfulness meditation that a councillor said would help. It calmed me down. Afterwards my breathing went odd and I was shaking and I felt dizzy. But after sobbing for a bit I washed my face and calmed down. Hugging my teddies helps. As childish as that sounds. I guess it’s because I miss human contact or feeling loved. Or even liked.
Today I feel anxious. I’m guessing this an after effect of yesterday. My whole flat went out to a party and they had tea together tonight. I didn’t go yesterday after my depressing fiasco and I’ve been ill lately too. I nearly had tea with everyone but backed out. I hope my flatmates don’t hate me. There nice. They always ask if I’m coming out with them or joint then in flat stuff. Even when I can’t just knowing I was wanted is enough.
Even though I have had a hard time recently I’m doing okay at university. I have a routine, it gets repetitive and sometimes claustrophobic but it’s okay. I’m doing okay with the work. I’m getting good grades. Shocking I know. But I’m functioning. I go shopping, I wash my clothes, me and my friend go on weekly adventures. She’s a really good egg.
It’s a beautiful place here. Most mornings and nights the sky is pink. The beauty of this place distracts me from the stress. The adventures, talking to friends and family and doing things I enjoy are helping.
But pinks skies aren’t always a good sign. They say pink sky at night sailors delight, pink sky in the morning sailors warning. A pink sky can foreshadow that a storm is coming or a nice day.
I’m in a pink sky state. Unsure of whether I’m heading into a storm or a beautiful day. Either way. I hope will be able to fight through it.
I’ve set sail to a life of adventure but I have done it alone. Today hasn’t been great my OCD has started kicking again. Its a horrible mix of wanting a hug and not wanting to be touched. Making friends is so hard. I feel so alone all the time.
I must sound like a spoilt kid. Its shocking to think I’m nineteen and at university. After having a gap year an not having to wear masks and just be myself its uncomfortable to wear them again. My mum reassures me that its just because of my anxieties and introvertedness that I feel so alone. But I think its just because I’m so unlikable.
I haven’t joined any societies yet. All of the walking, studying and general university life is exhausting. So I have probably missed out on making friends there. After my unwelcoming welcome week my flat mates probably hate me. Or think I’m ‘special’. I feel so out of the loop with things.
I hate being so introverted. I want to be like other students partying and being confident and just making friends easily. But I don’t. I hate clubbing I feel so out of place. I’m not confident at all. I often wonder if anyone has ever hated themselves as much as I hate myself. I’m worried that I’m overthinking things and in turn acting weird and making my flatmates think I hate them. I don’t.
I have set sail into this life of adventure. Many people have crews now. All together enjoying this journey. While I’m stood on a sinking ship. Without a crew. Without a hope. Why am I so bad at being human. I can’t do anything right or when I think I have something else messes up. I hate myself so much.
At least I’m going home for the weekend. To be with the people I can feel comfortable around because its my family. My safe place. My sanctuary.
I don’t know if I’ll be able to come back.
I’ve been trying to be happy lately. It’s kinda working. I ignore my bad thoughts or I’ve been distancing myself. I have a great imagination so it’s easy to drift from reality time to time.
I’m not as upset with myself. I still hate myself but I’m trying to handle it better. I’ve been reading a lot of books, writing my stories and drawing again. It’s helping. I feel good about myself when I’m writing my stories and drawing. I can see myself improving. It’s nice to feel good at something.
Especially since I haven’t felt excited for anything lately. I haven’t been speaking to my friends as much. Whether that is just through lack of conversation or they have finally seen how much of a loser I am and decided to ditch me I don’t know. It’s comic con this weekend too. I have probably the best cosplay I have ever had. I’m still not excited. Because something will probably go wrong. Or I’ll just look terrible as usual.
I have 3 main stories. With 2 being linked and set in the same universe only 300 years apart. I live through them sometimes. Strong protagonists go on wild adventures, make interesting friends and usually are noticed and loved by many. Most of my stories come from dreams. With me being the protagonist and people I know being in it too. If I think it’s good I write it down. Change the characters to suit the story. Then I build from there.
I believe writers base a lot of there stories and things within them off their own lives and people they know. Frankly one of my protagonists is what I wish I was. Strong, smart, respected by many, looked up too and beautiful. I like to escape into my fantasies. I create stories with depth, character development and interesting tales. It makes me happy. Because I know I’m good at something.
I think I am being creative again because it makes me happy. Embarrassed because I hope people don’t think I’m being stupid. But happy nonetheless. It feels good to feel good about myself.
Slowly I am opening up to the concept of loving myself and likening who I am. I know now that no one cares about me. (Except for my family of course) So I should care about myself and make myself feel good. I think I’m really imaginative and great at creating stories!
And you know what? It feels really good to like something about myself! I haven’t felt pride like this in a while. Hopefully this feeling grows because it would be nice to be happy in reality and not just in my fantasies.
I’m defeated, discouraged and disheartened. I’m so angry. I can’t move. My days are timeless lonely nothingness. I have no routine and other than the scream of university I have nothing. I’m so fucking alone and sad constantly. I have no motivation to do anything. I feel like I am dead.
I am trying to change things. The other day I went to the doctors to seek help for my problems. I cried. It was really hard to tell someone about it. To sit with someone who doesn’t know and just say how I hate myself so much and feel like I’m never going to amount to anything. How I am constantly on the verge of crying and just want to do nothing even though that makes it worse. I don’t find anything fun anymore. It’s just a way to pass the time so I can go to bed. How I have huge problem with people touching me or things. I have to wash my hands constantly. I have to clean my face all the time. People touching me makes me cry and want to have a shower. I just feel so shit. I feel like I’m lying in my grave just waiting to die.
My mum came with me to the appointment. I love my mum she is being really supportive through all of this. (Wish I could say the same about the rest of my fam. They just think I’m being silly with my touching and cleanliness stuff. They pull faces and moan. It makes me uncomfortable and guilty. But whatever.) She is the person I go to for all my help. She held my hand and helped me explain. I’m gonna be getting therapy for a while. So that will hopefully help.
I just feel so sad. I just wanna cry and hug someone. I’m so scared of the future. I’m so tired of my life now. I’m not alone but I feel so lonely. I hate being in my house because I’m always there with nothing to do but sit and think. I have no motivation to do anything. My mind is just a mess. A storm and with every crack of thunder and crash of lightning the rain is getting heavier. I cry so much it’s pathetic.
I hope tomorrow is a nice day so I can sit out side. I hope the sun comes out soon.
I’m affectionate. Loving. Some would say over emotional and sometimes I feel a lot in one go.
I have been thinking a lot. Like usual. And maybe it’s because it’s my favourite time of the year, or because with the weather getting warmer my icy heart is staring to thaw. But I realised I have some great friends. A real bunch of good eggs.
Through each stage of your life you make different friends and with that there is a different version of yourself with each friend group. It’s still you just some people bring out different parts about you. From wanting to look like a living doll to becoming a meme.
But I have gotten back in touch with old friends and I’m staying strong with my newer friends. I find it hard to make friends. Either because of the fact I am completely incapable of speaking to people without stuttering or over sharing or just because I don’t like people. But when I make friends? Whoo boy. Do I love them with all my heart? Yes. Would I kill for them? Probably. Will I pray that we stay friends forever like a five year old? Most likely.
But the people I met at college are probably the best people I have ever met. Different. In friend groups it’s easy for people to be alike but they are so individual and beautiful in their own way. And they get me. Like me for me. I don’t have to change myself around them. I’m pretty sure I was going to make a point with this blog post. But now I’m just gushing on how I love my friends.
I mean you know they are good when they listen to your puns and don’t leave you!
If you have been readin my posts (god knows why) you would see that I have been sat in a metaphorical ditch. One of those ditches that get deeper as you try to climb out. But I have finally dragged myself out of it.
After feeling bad for a while and not really doing anything. Ever. I have started being productive again! I have been excepted in my first choice university! I’m even visiting them soon, checking out the nearby student studios and getting to know the city around it. I also got a job again! I have worked at this place before so I’m happy to be going back! (Also I’m very thrilled to have money again. For a spendthrift I’m pretty poor)
Even though there is a part of me that is pretty much ready to sleep for a thousand years I’m excited to be productive and maybe sort my life out! Now that I only have to pick my accommodation I’m really excited about university too! Probably a good idea to start going over all of my media stuff so I turn up like a pro. Hopefully that ditch was the only one on my road to nowhere. (Probably not)