Otherworldly escapist 

I’ve been trying to be happy lately. It’s kinda working. I ignore my bad thoughts or I’ve been distancing myself. I have a great imagination so it’s easy to drift from reality time to time. 

I’m not as upset with myself. I still hate myself but I’m trying to handle it better. I’ve been reading a lot of books, writing my stories and drawing again. It’s helping. I feel good about myself when I’m writing my stories and drawing. I can see myself improving. It’s nice to feel good at something. 

Especially since I haven’t felt excited for anything lately. I haven’t been speaking to my friends as much. Whether that is just through lack of conversation or they have finally seen how much of a loser I am and decided to ditch me I don’t know. It’s comic con this weekend too. I have probably the best cosplay I have ever had. I’m still not excited. Because something will probably go wrong. Or I’ll just look terrible as usual. 

I have 3 main stories. With 2 being linked and set in the same universe only 300 years apart. I live through them sometimes. Strong protagonists go on wild adventures, make interesting friends and usually are noticed and loved by many. Most of my stories come from dreams. With me being the protagonist and people I know being in it too. If I think it’s good I write it down. Change the characters to suit the story. Then I build from there.

 I believe writers base a lot of there stories and things within them off their own lives and people they know. Frankly one of my protagonists is what I wish I was. Strong, smart, respected by many, looked up too and beautiful. I like to escape into my fantasies. I create stories with depth, character development and interesting tales. It makes me happy. Because I know I’m good at something. 

I think I am being creative again because it makes me happy. Embarrassed because I hope people don’t think I’m being stupid. But happy nonetheless. It feels good to feel good about myself. 

Slowly I am opening up to the concept of loving myself and likening who I am. I know now that no one cares about me. (Except for my family of course) So I should care about myself and make myself feel good. I think I’m really imaginative and great at creating stories! 

And you know what? It feels really good to like something about myself! I haven’t felt pride like this in a while. Hopefully this feeling grows because it would be nice to be happy in reality and not just in my fantasies. 

Elysian wallflower 

I’ve always been a wallflower. I go unnoticed and I’m not really missed. It doesn’t bother me too much. Just somethings get me really upset. 

I guess I like attention but I wouldn’t say I’m an attention seeker. I just would like to be noticed once in a while. I guess that’s why I loved media in college so much. I was top of the class. Literally I got the highest grade and that’s because I worked the hardest. Sweat, blood and a lot of tears went into my work and it was noticed! People used to ask me for advice! My teacher would praise me. Not a lot because he was kinda serious and critical all the time (which helped me get an A in my coursework so fair enough). Also I have realised every media teacher I have met has come across mellow and dead inside. You can see why I find them so relatable and easy to speak too. 

But anyway. It just felt nice that someone noticed how hard I worked. How I had been that stressed I had messed up my health. I wasn’t sleeping well and I cried a lot. Because I wanted and needed to do so well. It’s weird but because I was so good I’m scared of what I’m going to be at university. I feel like I have to be one of the best. In my other classes I still worked hard. I wasn’t really noticed for it though. I wasn’t really noticed in a lot of things. 

I think over time I’ve just came to except that I’m a wallflower. I don’t really stand out. I’m not that special. I’d say I’m funny and have a really good imagination but that’s about it. It used to really upset me. How I was never the one that everyone wanted to be like or be friends with. I was never the one people praised for hard work. I didn’t really stand out to anyone no matter how hard I tried. 

That used to upset me. But lately I have been trying to change how I think. Try to be more optimistic. I think I’m a hidden gem. I go unnoticed and I don’t really stand out, but when I am noticed people see how special I really am. They see that I am an extremely loyal and caring friend. They see that I have an amazing imagination and have being drawing and writing stories since I could. They see that I’m really good and motivated in work I care about. 

I’ve finally accepted that I’m a wallflower. Because no one said the wallflower can’t be beautiful. And it’s time I started seeing myself as such. Just because I’m not noticed by everyone doesn’t mean I can’t notice how great I truly am! This has got to be the first time in years I have allowed myself to feel good about who I am. It feels nice and light! 

I mean it’s a start?

If you have been readin my posts (god knows why) you would see that I have been sat in a metaphorical ditch. One of those ditches that get deeper as you try to climb out. But I have finally dragged myself out of it. 

After feeling bad for a while and not really doing anything. Ever. I have started being productive again! I have been excepted in my first choice university! I’m even visiting them soon, checking out the nearby student studios and getting to know the city around it. I also got a job again! I have worked at this place before so I’m happy to be going back! (Also I’m very thrilled to have money again. For a spendthrift I’m pretty poor) 

Even though there is a part of me that is pretty much ready to sleep for a thousand years I’m excited to be productive and maybe sort my life out! Now that I only have to pick my accommodation I’m really excited about university too! Probably a good idea to start going over all of my media stuff so I turn up like a pro. Hopefully that ditch was the only one on my road to nowhere. (Probably not)

So how are things? Things are good!

Narrator: Things were not good. 

This isn’t going to be like my other posts I’m afraid. I guess the rest are more hopeful and just thoughts. But everyone gets bad thoughts too I guess. My biggest problem is that I hate myself. I just fully hate myself. I find it hard to find stuff I like about myself or even think good about myself. (Except for my humour and jokes. Probably the best part about me.) 

I have been like this for years now. I have stumbled again on my road to nowhere. This time I’m finding it hard to get up. It’s hard to be motivated about life and moving forward when you haven’t had any motivation or strive to be alive since you were sixteen. It’s rare that I do anything anymore. I just feel like nonexisting for a while. I don’t want to die. I’m quite happy with being alive. But I wish I could take breaks. Stop existing for a bit. 

I probably just sounds like every other eighteen year old. Moaning about how the world is cruel and how life is hard and how I’m pathetic and wallowing in self pity. Well I’m right. I am being pathetic. It gets harder for me to look in the mirror because a fat ugly disappointment of a person stares back. The bitch who cause all my problems. The one who threw me into this cycle of being unhealthy, unhappy and unmotivated to do anything. 

I’m constantly screaming internally at life. I’m so stressed all the time to the point where I have made myself ill. I’m so unhappy with who I am that I would rather not exist. I’m so worried of failing again that i don’t have the motivation to try. 

But I just have to breathe. Everyone has bad days. Everyone has demons. I guess for today they just tripped me up. But I’ll get back up tomorrow. I’ll carry on my road to nowhere. 

Mama didn’t raise a quittter. 

Raindrop stars 

The sound of droplets hitting the wide open window and the smell of rain never fail to calm me. With the lamppost being close to my room every raindrop looks like a star on the window. Each one twinkling in the lamp post light. I can hear my family breathing or snoring in there sleep around the house. 

Things like this. I will miss this. Just the feeling of being at home. The warmth of the house and the cold of the outside. The feeling that I am completely safe and that this is where I belong. The feeling that no matter how bad my day is I can come home to the people that love me. 

Being with family or even just people you love can make the world seem like a prettier place. A simple storm and open window become a night sky full of glistening droplet stars. 

Just being in a house full of love can make everything better. 

Изучение русского языка

 So I have started learning Russian. I’m slowly walking along my road to nowhere and I thought ‘hey, seeing as I want to better myself and learn new things I should learn a language’. I have always wanted to be savvy in the “switching between languages like a spy” department. Plus it was a good idea which I have lots of. (Heelies in the workplace will still be effective in my eyes).

Originally I was going to learn Japanese but then decided to do something that wouldn’t be my obvious choice. So I chose Russian. It’s always been a favourite country of mine, it’s interesting and the language itself sounds pretty awesome. 

This kinda kicked off some motivational dominoes in my life. I feel more accomplished. I’m going out more. I’m excited about my life again. I’m healthier. I’m actually preparing myself for uni rather than lying on the couch in my pjs procrastinating being alive. It’s nice that I’m jogging along my road to nowhere and I’m starting to enjoy the trip.