A pathetic apathetic 

Pathetic. That’s me! I’m that much of a loser it’s almost laughable. 

I either feel too much or nothing. I am constantly on the verge of crying and I hate myself. I can’t stand people touching me or getting in my personal space. Or even coming near my things. 

These problems I have have and are still getting worse. I hate myself so much I find it hard to look at myself. I’m just so prepared for failure that I feel no excitement to my future. I have spent days just lying in the same spot doing nothing. I just feel so rubbish. I have to wash my hands after touching things or keep them away from me till I can. I just feel like my life is going nowhere. 

I keep panicking because I know I’m wasting my life but I don’t have the motivation to be alive. All that my life will be is the same as everyone’s. We work till we die to have the bare necessities. Each day more people dying over politics and stupid hatred. The planet is dying and soon I won’t be surprised if our children live in a dystopian land. 

Sorry. I’m digging to deep into things again. I just feel so bad lately. I feel empty and sad.  I don’t have anything to do and I can’t stop thinking about my problems. 

I don’t know. This is just a late night ramble field by self hate and the fact that I don’t want to cry. 

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Sanctuary burglary- the worst day of my life 

The 19th of May was one of the worst days of my life. Our home has been broken into and burgled. Not much is missing. A few electricals and jelewery. But the main thing he stole from us. Is our sanctuary. My house is the only place on earth I felt completely safe. But now it doesn’t feel as safe. Or clean. It feels violated. 

It was hard to sleep. I eventually passed out from being exhausted but I woke up early. It’s just hard to think it happened you know. The police came, a csi lady came and dusted for prints. We tidied our messy house as the heartless thief decided to trash it while treasure hunting. I had a shower changed my bedding just so my room felt clean again. Then we carried on. We watched a film, laughed and went to bed.

My family and I we will get through this. Our love is strong and we are tough. They only took material things that we can buy again. My family is safe, our pets are safe and our house will become safe again. 

The thing that’s hurt me most, is that someone has upset my whole family. Made them feel infuriated, nervous, violated and distraught all at the same time. But we will get though this.  I don’t like how a stranger has came and changed the feeling and safety of my sanctuary. My safe place. But I won’t let them do that. We will clean. Make the house safe again. No one can mess with my family. We will stand together and get through this. 

I just cried and felt so much. That I just feel empty. I don’t feel anything except disappointment.