Some people see storms as bad weather. I see them as a flash of life. The growl of the darkened clouds, every veiny flash of light pierces the sky, the scent and sound of the heavy downpour of rain soothes my soul.
After yesterday’s random punch of depression and self hate I needed something to lift me up. The numbness I had felt had been like a drought. Dry and hard. Now the storm has came and my tears have poured down as heavy as this rain. I have felt a sudden rumble in my heart which lead to an intense and unexpected storm of emotion. I cried so much but I must say I have needed this.
It’s the early hours of the morning. I’m laying here sung on my top bunk. My brother sitting on the window and my sister stood next to me leaning on the ladder of our bed. All of us calmly watching the flashing sky and listening to the rain dancing in the puddles. All of us happy and at peace. I’m going to miss this. Moments like these are ones I will treasure forever. But this has also made me realise something.
The bond I have with my siblings is strong. Stronger than this storm and anything else nature can throw at us. I love my family and I know they love me. When I’m at university our ties will not loosen. We will still be close. I guess what I’m trying to say is I don’t need to worry about my family drifting away because out bonds are stronger than nature itself.
The thunder has quietend and the sky has gone dark. Now there is only the sound of calm rain dropping on the leaves of the trees. The storm in my head has silenced. After a day of laughing with my family and watching the storm slowly die I feel better.
This storm has ended a numbing drought and even though the thunder was loud and the rain was heavy, flowers may bloom and grow from this. I hope to do the same.
University is coming closer every day. Thirty three days to be exact. I should really be getting ready for it. Buying things I need and packing. But I’ve been running away from this.
Ever since I found out about my depression I have been trying to distract myself from life. I’m so scared about university. I’m scared of being alone with these problems. I’m having nightmares on what will happen in my first weeks. I still have the mindset of failure. So why try if I’m gonna fail.
I’m worried about not understanding anything and being the dumbest in class. What if I make no friends? What if I spend all my time alone. Alone with my depressive thoughts and self hating nature. That’s never good.
I had a dream last night. I was moving in and setting everything out in my room. Then I gave my family a hug and cried. Then they left. My heart still aches to how alone I’m going to feel. It’s pretty pathetic how sad I get over this.
I guess I’ve ran far enough now. It’s time I ran into this head first. Prepared my self and get ready for an adventure. I need to fight this worry and fear. I can’t keep running backward in my road to nowhere. I can only move forwards and hope to grow.
I need to stop running away because no matter how fast I run. These thoughts are catching up.
So the other day, I had my first therapy session. It was awkward and personal. But I finally found out what’s wrong with me. My pessimistic nature helped when the therapist told me I have OCD anxiety and depression.
I want to say I was shocked. That I was amazed I had this problem. But I’ve been like this for so long no bad news surprises me. On the plus side I’m getting therapy and help now. It’ll be nice to speak to someone who has no connection to me or my life. I hope they can help me. I’m so sick of feeling like this.
I haven’t been sleeping well in forever. I’m currently awake diving into my cocoon of self hatred and analysis. I get too deep in myself and I just lie here. Lost and suffocating in my thoughts. I can’t think straight. I wish I could stop thinking.
Sorry this was a short post. I just wanted to get this off my chest in a way.
I’ve been trying to be happy lately. It’s kinda working. I ignore my bad thoughts or I’ve been distancing myself. I have a great imagination so it’s easy to drift from reality time to time.
I’m not as upset with myself. I still hate myself but I’m trying to handle it better. I’ve been reading a lot of books, writing my stories and drawing again. It’s helping. I feel good about myself when I’m writing my stories and drawing. I can see myself improving. It’s nice to feel good at something.
Especially since I haven’t felt excited for anything lately. I haven’t been speaking to my friends as much. Whether that is just through lack of conversation or they have finally seen how much of a loser I am and decided to ditch me I don’t know. It’s comic con this weekend too. I have probably the best cosplay I have ever had. I’m still not excited. Because something will probably go wrong. Or I’ll just look terrible as usual.
I have 3 main stories. With 2 being linked and set in the same universe only 300 years apart. I live through them sometimes. Strong protagonists go on wild adventures, make interesting friends and usually are noticed and loved by many. Most of my stories come from dreams. With me being the protagonist and people I know being in it too. If I think it’s good I write it down. Change the characters to suit the story. Then I build from there.
I believe writers base a lot of there stories and things within them off their own lives and people they know. Frankly one of my protagonists is what I wish I was. Strong, smart, respected by many, looked up too and beautiful. I like to escape into my fantasies. I create stories with depth, character development and interesting tales. It makes me happy. Because I know I’m good at something.
I think I am being creative again because it makes me happy. Embarrassed because I hope people don’t think I’m being stupid. But happy nonetheless. It feels good to feel good about myself.
Slowly I am opening up to the concept of loving myself and likening who I am. I know now that no one cares about me. (Except for my family of course) So I should care about myself and make myself feel good. I think I’m really imaginative and great at creating stories!
And you know what? It feels really good to like something about myself! I haven’t felt pride like this in a while. Hopefully this feeling grows because it would be nice to be happy in reality and not just in my fantasies.
I’ve always been a wallflower. I go unnoticed and I’m not really missed. It doesn’t bother me too much. Just somethings get me really upset.
I guess I like attention but I wouldn’t say I’m an attention seeker. I just would like to be noticed once in a while. I guess that’s why I loved media in college so much. I was top of the class. Literally I got the highest grade and that’s because I worked the hardest. Sweat, blood and a lot of tears went into my work and it was noticed! People used to ask me for advice! My teacher would praise me. Not a lot because he was kinda serious and critical all the time (which helped me get an A in my coursework so fair enough). Also I have realised every media teacher I have met has come across mellow and dead inside. You can see why I find them so relatable and easy to speak too.
But anyway. It just felt nice that someone noticed how hard I worked. How I had been that stressed I had messed up my health. I wasn’t sleeping well and I cried a lot. Because I wanted and needed to do so well. It’s weird but because I was so good I’m scared of what I’m going to be at university. I feel like I have to be one of the best. In my other classes I still worked hard. I wasn’t really noticed for it though. I wasn’t really noticed in a lot of things.
I think over time I’ve just came to except that I’m a wallflower. I don’t really stand out. I’m not that special. I’d say I’m funny and have a really good imagination but that’s about it. It used to really upset me. How I was never the one that everyone wanted to be like or be friends with. I was never the one people praised for hard work. I didn’t really stand out to anyone no matter how hard I tried.
That used to upset me. But lately I have been trying to change how I think. Try to be more optimistic. I think I’m a hidden gem. I go unnoticed and I don’t really stand out, but when I am noticed people see how special I really am. They see that I am an extremely loyal and caring friend. They see that I have an amazing imagination and have being drawing and writing stories since I could. They see that I’m really good and motivated in work I care about.
I’ve finally accepted that I’m a wallflower. Because no one said the wallflower can’t be beautiful. And it’s time I started seeing myself as such. Just because I’m not noticed by everyone doesn’t mean I can’t notice how great I truly am! This has got to be the first time in years I have allowed myself to feel good about who I am. It feels nice and light!
I have been low. Very low. So low in fact that if I sunk any further I would probably disappear. I haven’t been this bad in a while. Never cried this much. I’ve felt nothing and everything at once. It’s like I have a storm cloud above my head.
I’m starting to feel less low. My mood is rising and the storm is calming. I’ve got my first therapy appointment booked and I’m starting to feel slightly excited for university. I have no idea where the huge build up of fear and worry has come. Maybe I’m just feeling this burst of life because I am at the end, it’s too late to back out so I might as well roll with it. Like in fantasy films, where a character is going to die anyway so they fight to the death.
Anyway, I think this storm has passed now. Things aren’t great. But they aren’t as bad. It will be nice to talk to someone about my problems. Even if the room will be flooded with my tears and depressing vibe. I’m getting back up again. Walking down my road. Off to whatever the future holds. (Probably a lotta tears but whatever).
I need to start helping myself. Talking to a therapist can only do so much. I need to create goodness within me while people are helping with the goodness outside. I am trying to love myself. There’s not much to love but I’m working on it. I’m trying to be chill more which is hard when inside I’m constantly a flame with stress and tension. With the whole OCD touching thing. I will try to think rationally. But being honest I still don’t think the things I have a problem with are a problem. My reaction to them however. Is bad.
I need to realise I have support and love around me. My family and a therapist will help. Maybe I will finally help myself instead of bottling up my feelings. I have friends I could speak to. But they only know so much, there’s things I can’t tell them and things I don’t want them to know. I don’t want to burden them with my weakness.
Either way I guess this blog post is just saying that I’ll get back up again. I’m back and ready to try. You know what they say, you can’t have a rainbow without a little rain.
I’m defeated, discouraged and disheartened. I’m so angry. I can’t move. My days are timeless lonely nothingness. I have no routine and other than the scream of university I have nothing. I’m so fucking alone and sad constantly. I have no motivation to do anything. I feel like I am dead.
I am trying to change things. The other day I went to the doctors to seek help for my problems. I cried. It was really hard to tell someone about it. To sit with someone who doesn’t know and just say how I hate myself so much and feel like I’m never going to amount to anything. How I am constantly on the verge of crying and just want to do nothing even though that makes it worse. I don’t find anything fun anymore. It’s just a way to pass the time so I can go to bed. How I have huge problem with people touching me or things. I have to wash my hands constantly. I have to clean my face all the time. People touching me makes me cry and want to have a shower. I just feel so shit. I feel like I’m lying in my grave just waiting to die.
My mum came with me to the appointment. I love my mum she is being really supportive through all of this. (Wish I could say the same about the rest of my fam. They just think I’m being silly with my touching and cleanliness stuff. They pull faces and moan. It makes me uncomfortable and guilty. But whatever.) She is the person I go to for all my help. She held my hand and helped me explain. I’m gonna be getting therapy for a while. So that will hopefully help.
I just feel so sad. I just wanna cry and hug someone. I’m so scared of the future. I’m so tired of my life now. I’m not alone but I feel so lonely. I hate being in my house because I’m always there with nothing to do but sit and think. I have no motivation to do anything. My mind is just a mess. A storm and with every crack of thunder and crash of lightning the rain is getting heavier. I cry so much it’s pathetic.
I hope tomorrow is a nice day so I can sit out side. I hope the sun comes out soon.
I’m getting in too deep. The future is coming fast and I don’t feel ready at all.
If my life were the ocean. I would be swimming out to sea, out to the unknown. The further away I get from the beach which I know well the harder it is to swim. I feel like I’m stuck. That I’m trying to swim up for air but the weight of my feelings and fears is making me sink. It’s hard to breathe.
I quit my job which is good. It’s my birthday in 3 days which is also good. But that means it’s 85 days till I start university. This year has flown by. I’m not ready for the future. To be in a new place, with new opportunities and adventures sounds fun and exciting (which it is) but it’s also horrifying.
I’m a very family oriented person. They are the reason I’m happy and still giving a damn about life. I feel sad away from them and I constantly use their advice to act human (because that’s another thing I am rubbish at). At university I will be all alone.
I know I’m gonna cry. I’ll hit the bottom of the ocean on my first night at uni. I’ll probably cry all night because of my anxieties and crybaby attitude.
I’m so scared. What if I don’t fit in? I took a gap year after being burnt out from college and high school. What if I’m dumb now? What if I’m no longer good at media? What if I just become a huge failure? What if my anxiety gets worse?
I know I should be optimistic. I will try and pick myself up when I’m there. It will be good for me to become more independent and have the whole university experience. I’m doing what’s best for my future. I know I will be able to handle it.
But right now. I just feel so helpless. I can’t breathe. I’m sinking.
Spring! Finally! I have missed spring. The cherry blossoms, flowers, the trees! Just the way everything blooms! I’m feeling blooming too, pretty blooming good!
I’m using this time to change! Spring is the time of year for birth and new things, so I’m recreating myself. At the end of college I had become someone I didn’t really like. I had gotten used to being unhealthy, unhappy and unattractive both in looks and personality. So I’m changing.
I’m doing pretty well with learning to love myself and being happier! I am trying to better myself and live. Because for a lot of my gap year I have been alive but not living.
One of my main changes is that I’m going to be less pessimistic. Or well I’m going to try. I’m also being more active. I’m working out 4 hours a week along with working! Just so I get back into the swing of being busy. I lost my get up and go so I’m planting a seed of motivation that will grow.
I’m also going to be more myself. A bad habit of mine and I’m sure on most people have is changing who you are for people. In my last post I talked about how different people bring aspects of yourself out. If I looked at my last two friend groups. Then looked at me with them. There is a difference. I haven’t changed just different parts of me were exaggerated. But from now on I’m just going to be me. 100%.
I’m also going to go out more. I find that when I’m sat inside I just feel lazier and depressed. The weather is lovely again so I have no reason not to go and explore!
This spring is the year I finally bloom!
Narrator: Things were not good.
This isn’t going to be like my other posts I’m afraid. I guess the rest are more hopeful and just thoughts. But everyone gets bad thoughts too I guess. My biggest problem is that I hate myself. I just fully hate myself. I find it hard to find stuff I like about myself or even think good about myself. (Except for my humour and jokes. Probably the best part about me.)
I have been like this for years now. I have stumbled again on my road to nowhere. This time I’m finding it hard to get up. It’s hard to be motivated about life and moving forward when you haven’t had any motivation or strive to be alive since you were sixteen. It’s rare that I do anything anymore. I just feel like nonexisting for a while. I don’t want to die. I’m quite happy with being alive. But I wish I could take breaks. Stop existing for a bit.
I probably just sounds like every other eighteen year old. Moaning about how the world is cruel and how life is hard and how I’m pathetic and wallowing in self pity. Well I’m right. I am being pathetic. It gets harder for me to look in the mirror because a fat ugly disappointment of a person stares back. The bitch who cause all my problems. The one who threw me into this cycle of being unhealthy, unhappy and unmotivated to do anything.
I’m constantly screaming internally at life. I’m so stressed all the time to the point where I have made myself ill. I’m so unhappy with who I am that I would rather not exist. I’m so worried of failing again that i don’t have the motivation to try.
But I just have to breathe. Everyone has bad days. Everyone has demons. I guess for today they just tripped me up. But I’ll get back up tomorrow. I’ll carry on my road to nowhere.
Mama didn’t raise a quittter.