Living at university is weird. At the same time as feeling I have two homes it also feels like I have none. To add to that I’m drowning in work as well.
When I’m at home I feel more like a visitor or guest. I love being at home with my family but I don’t feel like I can talk to them about my problems that much at the moment. I don’t know why. There’s nothing wrong with my family. I can talk to my mum though. Then at university while my room feels like the closest thing to my space it also feels horribly claustrophobic. Sometimes incredibly lonely. I miss my family being around. Me and my fave boii have came up with a code to help each other escape from our cabin fever and go on a walk, which helps.
This probably sounds stupid. I’m really stressed lately. Most students are. With deadlines coming up fast and my motivation dropping faster. My back, neck and shoulders are in constant pain from being so tense. I’m getting migraines and nose bleeds. Which is nice. Reminds me of GCSE and A levels if I’m being honest. I have left exams with a clump of blood covered tissues thanks to stress and a shitty nose. It’s just a lot. I don’t want to fail. But I’m scared I might. I don’t think I’m good enough and I can’t get any motivation at the moment. But I’m trying to drag myself through.
This has just been a shit ramble. Plus I’m probably overtired, overdramatic and overthinking. Plus I kinda suck.
I’ve got a lot to say. It’s a whole bucket full of updates. It’s been a while since I have posted on here. Things have been tough but I’m ok. Things are getting better!
University life is hectic and fun but I’ve gotten used to it. Even if it takes me a day to find the motivation to do work then procrastinate till I fall asleep. It’s miracle. But I’m getting good grades!! I’ve been getting too marks for my story writing and planning. I have got As in digital communications. Shocking. Specially because I have literally no idea what’s going on in that class. Before reading week I also did a seminar group presentation! I swear it was terrifying. I had an anxiety attack over it. But with a lil dutch courage and no choice I did it! We were 2 marks off 100! I don’t know what I’m doing but it’s working.
With my mental fuckups. I’m doing better. After ages of waiting my therapy has finally started. My depression knocks me down somedays but that’s okay. I brush my self off and keep going. My OCD isn’t too bad. It’s kicked off recently when people have been in my room. The other week a couple of friends were in there. Nothing was wrong. It was fun and friendly. But after they left I had a panic attack. I’m learning how to deal with it. My flatmates are pretty good too. They kinda know not to touch my things or dishes. I hope I don’t annoy them. But I really appreciate them respecting my space. Anxiety sucks. But it’s okay.
Self hatred isn’t getting me down as much. I’ve found that accepting I’m shit in every aspect has helped me to care less. I’ve also decided it’s not going to stop me living. Yeah I suck. But we’re all dying. Fast. So I’m not gonna let my hate stop me from living. I can work on things I dislike. Maybe learn to love myself. But I’m going to enjoy living no matter what.
I’ll admit. A few things have popped up. Recently. Some things I can do nothing to help. Some issues that are gonna take time. But that’s okay.
This was a big ramble of useless information. But yeah. Life is getting better and I’m growing and bettering myself too 🙂
I’ve been trying to be happy lately. It’s kinda working. I ignore my bad thoughts or I’ve been distancing myself. I have a great imagination so it’s easy to drift from reality time to time.
I’m not as upset with myself. I still hate myself but I’m trying to handle it better. I’ve been reading a lot of books, writing my stories and drawing again. It’s helping. I feel good about myself when I’m writing my stories and drawing. I can see myself improving. It’s nice to feel good at something.
Especially since I haven’t felt excited for anything lately. I haven’t been speaking to my friends as much. Whether that is just through lack of conversation or they have finally seen how much of a loser I am and decided to ditch me I don’t know. It’s comic con this weekend too. I have probably the best cosplay I have ever had. I’m still not excited. Because something will probably go wrong. Or I’ll just look terrible as usual.
I have 3 main stories. With 2 being linked and set in the same universe only 300 years apart. I live through them sometimes. Strong protagonists go on wild adventures, make interesting friends and usually are noticed and loved by many. Most of my stories come from dreams. With me being the protagonist and people I know being in it too. If I think it’s good I write it down. Change the characters to suit the story. Then I build from there.
I believe writers base a lot of there stories and things within them off their own lives and people they know. Frankly one of my protagonists is what I wish I was. Strong, smart, respected by many, looked up too and beautiful. I like to escape into my fantasies. I create stories with depth, character development and interesting tales. It makes me happy. Because I know I’m good at something.
I think I am being creative again because it makes me happy. Embarrassed because I hope people don’t think I’m being stupid. But happy nonetheless. It feels good to feel good about myself.
Slowly I am opening up to the concept of loving myself and likening who I am. I know now that no one cares about me. (Except for my family of course) So I should care about myself and make myself feel good. I think I’m really imaginative and great at creating stories!
And you know what? It feels really good to like something about myself! I haven’t felt pride like this in a while. Hopefully this feeling grows because it would be nice to be happy in reality and not just in my fantasies.
I’m affectionate. Loving. Some would say over emotional and sometimes I feel a lot in one go.
I have been thinking a lot. Like usual. And maybe it’s because it’s my favourite time of the year, or because with the weather getting warmer my icy heart is staring to thaw. But I realised I have some great friends. A real bunch of good eggs.
Through each stage of your life you make different friends and with that there is a different version of yourself with each friend group. It’s still you just some people bring out different parts about you. From wanting to look like a living doll to becoming a meme.
But I have gotten back in touch with old friends and I’m staying strong with my newer friends. I find it hard to make friends. Either because of the fact I am completely incapable of speaking to people without stuttering or over sharing or just because I don’t like people. But when I make friends? Whoo boy. Do I love them with all my heart? Yes. Would I kill for them? Probably. Will I pray that we stay friends forever like a five year old? Most likely.
But the people I met at college are probably the best people I have ever met. Different. In friend groups it’s easy for people to be alike but they are so individual and beautiful in their own way. And they get me. Like me for me. I don’t have to change myself around them. I’m pretty sure I was going to make a point with this blog post. But now I’m just gushing on how I love my friends.
I mean you know they are good when they listen to your puns and don’t leave you!
If you have been readin my posts (god knows why) you would see that I have been sat in a metaphorical ditch. One of those ditches that get deeper as you try to climb out. But I have finally dragged myself out of it.
After feeling bad for a while and not really doing anything. Ever. I have started being productive again! I have been excepted in my first choice university! I’m even visiting them soon, checking out the nearby student studios and getting to know the city around it. I also got a job again! I have worked at this place before so I’m happy to be going back! (Also I’m very thrilled to have money again. For a spendthrift I’m pretty poor)
Even though there is a part of me that is pretty much ready to sleep for a thousand years I’m excited to be productive and maybe sort my life out! Now that I only have to pick my accommodation I’m really excited about university too! Probably a good idea to start going over all of my media stuff so I turn up like a pro. Hopefully that ditch was the only one on my road to nowhere. (Probably not)
The sound of droplets hitting the wide open window and the smell of rain never fail to calm me. With the lamppost being close to my room every raindrop looks like a star on the window. Each one twinkling in the lamp post light. I can hear my family breathing or snoring in there sleep around the house.
Things like this. I will miss this. Just the feeling of being at home. The warmth of the house and the cold of the outside. The feeling that I am completely safe and that this is where I belong. The feeling that no matter how bad my day is I can come home to the people that love me.
Being with family or even just people you love can make the world seem like a prettier place. A simple storm and open window become a night sky full of glistening droplet stars.
Just being in a house full of love can make everything better.