Summer Storm

Some people see storms as bad weather. I see them as a flash of life. The growl of the darkened clouds, every veiny flash of light pierces the sky, the scent and sound of  the heavy downpour of rain soothes my soul. 

After yesterday’s random punch of depression and self hate I needed something to lift me up. The numbness I had felt had been like a drought. Dry and hard. Now the storm has came and my tears have poured down as heavy as this rain. I have felt a sudden rumble in my heart which lead to an intense and unexpected storm of emotion. I cried so much but I must say I have needed this. 

It’s the early hours of the morning. I’m laying here sung on my top bunk. My brother sitting on the window and my sister stood next to me leaning on the ladder of our bed. All of us calmly watching the flashing sky and listening to the rain dancing in the puddles. All of us happy and at peace. I’m going to miss this. Moments like these are ones I will treasure forever. But this has also made me realise something. 

The bond I have with my siblings is strong. Stronger than this storm and anything else nature can throw at us. I love my family and I know they love me. When I’m at university our ties will not loosen. We will still be close. I guess what I’m trying to say is I don’t need to worry about my family drifting away because out bonds are stronger than nature itself. 

The thunder has quietend and the sky has gone dark. Now there is only the sound of calm rain dropping on the leaves of the trees. The storm in my head has silenced. After a day of laughing with my family and watching the storm slowly die I feel better. 

This storm has ended a numbing drought and even though the thunder was loud and the rain was heavy, flowers may bloom and grow from this. I hope to do the same. 

On the run

University is coming closer every day. Thirty three days to be exact. I should really be getting ready for it. Buying things I need and packing. But I’ve been running away from this. 

Ever since I found out about my depression I have been trying to distract myself from life. I’m so scared about university. I’m scared of being alone with these problems. I’m having nightmares on what will happen in my first weeks. I still have the mindset of failure. So why try if I’m gonna fail. 

I’m worried about not understanding anything and being the dumbest in class. What if I make no friends? What if I spend all my time alone. Alone with my depressive thoughts and self hating nature. That’s never good. 

I had a dream last night. I was moving in and setting everything out in my room. Then I gave my family a hug and cried. Then they left. My heart still aches to how alone I’m going to feel. It’s pretty pathetic how sad I get over this. 

I guess I’ve ran far enough now. It’s time I ran into this head first. Prepared my self and get ready for an adventure. I need to fight this worry and fear. I can’t keep running backward in my road to nowhere. I can only move forwards and hope to grow. 

I need to stop running away because no matter how fast I run. These thoughts are catching up. 

Otherworldly escapist 

I’ve been trying to be happy lately. It’s kinda working. I ignore my bad thoughts or I’ve been distancing myself. I have a great imagination so it’s easy to drift from reality time to time. 

I’m not as upset with myself. I still hate myself but I’m trying to handle it better. I’ve been reading a lot of books, writing my stories and drawing again. It’s helping. I feel good about myself when I’m writing my stories and drawing. I can see myself improving. It’s nice to feel good at something. 

Especially since I haven’t felt excited for anything lately. I haven’t been speaking to my friends as much. Whether that is just through lack of conversation or they have finally seen how much of a loser I am and decided to ditch me I don’t know. It’s comic con this weekend too. I have probably the best cosplay I have ever had. I’m still not excited. Because something will probably go wrong. Or I’ll just look terrible as usual. 

I have 3 main stories. With 2 being linked and set in the same universe only 300 years apart. I live through them sometimes. Strong protagonists go on wild adventures, make interesting friends and usually are noticed and loved by many. Most of my stories come from dreams. With me being the protagonist and people I know being in it too. If I think it’s good I write it down. Change the characters to suit the story. Then I build from there.

 I believe writers base a lot of there stories and things within them off their own lives and people they know. Frankly one of my protagonists is what I wish I was. Strong, smart, respected by many, looked up too and beautiful. I like to escape into my fantasies. I create stories with depth, character development and interesting tales. It makes me happy. Because I know I’m good at something. 

I think I am being creative again because it makes me happy. Embarrassed because I hope people don’t think I’m being stupid. But happy nonetheless. It feels good to feel good about myself. 

Slowly I am opening up to the concept of loving myself and likening who I am. I know now that no one cares about me. (Except for my family of course) So I should care about myself and make myself feel good. I think I’m really imaginative and great at creating stories! 

And you know what? It feels really good to like something about myself! I haven’t felt pride like this in a while. Hopefully this feeling grows because it would be nice to be happy in reality and not just in my fantasies. 

Elysian wallflower 

I’ve always been a wallflower. I go unnoticed and I’m not really missed. It doesn’t bother me too much. Just somethings get me really upset. 

I guess I like attention but I wouldn’t say I’m an attention seeker. I just would like to be noticed once in a while. I guess that’s why I loved media in college so much. I was top of the class. Literally I got the highest grade and that’s because I worked the hardest. Sweat, blood and a lot of tears went into my work and it was noticed! People used to ask me for advice! My teacher would praise me. Not a lot because he was kinda serious and critical all the time (which helped me get an A in my coursework so fair enough). Also I have realised every media teacher I have met has come across mellow and dead inside. You can see why I find them so relatable and easy to speak too. 

But anyway. It just felt nice that someone noticed how hard I worked. How I had been that stressed I had messed up my health. I wasn’t sleeping well and I cried a lot. Because I wanted and needed to do so well. It’s weird but because I was so good I’m scared of what I’m going to be at university. I feel like I have to be one of the best. In my other classes I still worked hard. I wasn’t really noticed for it though. I wasn’t really noticed in a lot of things. 

I think over time I’ve just came to except that I’m a wallflower. I don’t really stand out. I’m not that special. I’d say I’m funny and have a really good imagination but that’s about it. It used to really upset me. How I was never the one that everyone wanted to be like or be friends with. I was never the one people praised for hard work. I didn’t really stand out to anyone no matter how hard I tried. 

That used to upset me. But lately I have been trying to change how I think. Try to be more optimistic. I think I’m a hidden gem. I go unnoticed and I don’t really stand out, but when I am noticed people see how special I really am. They see that I am an extremely loyal and caring friend. They see that I have an amazing imagination and have being drawing and writing stories since I could. They see that I’m really good and motivated in work I care about. 

I’ve finally accepted that I’m a wallflower. Because no one said the wallflower can’t be beautiful. And it’s time I started seeing myself as such. Just because I’m not noticed by everyone doesn’t mean I can’t notice how great I truly am! This has got to be the first time in years I have allowed myself to feel good about who I am. It feels nice and light! 

Everlasting storm

I’m defeated, discouraged and disheartened. I’m so angry. I can’t move. My days are timeless lonely nothingness. I have no routine and other than the scream of university I have nothing. I’m so fucking alone and sad constantly. I have no motivation to do anything. I feel like I am dead. 

I am trying to change things. The other day I went to the doctors to seek help for my problems. I cried. It was really hard to tell someone about it. To sit with someone who doesn’t know and just say how I hate myself so much and feel like I’m never going to amount to anything. How I am constantly on the verge of crying and just want to do nothing even though that makes it worse. I don’t find anything fun anymore. It’s just a way to pass the time so I can go to bed. How I have huge problem with people touching me or things. I have to wash my hands constantly. I have to clean my face all the time. People touching me makes me cry and want to have a shower. I just feel so shit. I feel like I’m lying in my grave just waiting to die. 

My mum came with me to the appointment. I love my mum she is being really supportive through all of this. (Wish I could say the same about the rest of my fam. They just think I’m being silly with my touching and cleanliness stuff. They pull faces and moan. It makes me uncomfortable and guilty. But whatever.) She is the person I go to for all my help. She held my hand and helped me explain. I’m gonna be getting therapy for a while. So that will hopefully help. 

I just feel so sad. I just wanna cry and hug someone. I’m so scared of the future. I’m so tired of my life now. I’m not alone but I feel so lonely. I hate being in my house because I’m always there with nothing to do but sit and think. I have no motivation to do anything. My mind is just a mess. A storm and with every crack of thunder and crash of lightning the rain is getting heavier. I cry so much it’s pathetic. 

I hope tomorrow is a nice day so I can sit out side. I hope the sun comes out soon. 

The Jar

I feel like my body is a jar. Because lately I have felt empty. You put emotions and feelings in the jar. You close the lid and don’t open it. But then at some point like always the feelings and emotions get out. 

The reason my cleverly pushed down feelings escaped was because I finally got some help. My family are very close I could tell my family anything and I know they will always have my back. But we all sat and talked about what’s been stressing us out and getting us down. 

It felt nice to get everything off my chest. Well not everything. There’s still some issues I don’t tell my family but those are my demons to fight. I told them how I hate everything about myself and feel like I’m destined for failure and abandonment. How I can’t control how grossed out and uncomfortable I get about some things. (I hate being a germaphobe) 

I have figured out some solutions and my family will help me and it’s making me happy. I only feel empty because emotionally I’m exhausted. But that’s okay. Maybe this time my jar will fill with love and happiness rather than bad feelings.  

Adventure is out there! 

I can not contain my excitement! I keep getting worried and overthinking about university but today I felt really excited again! Bangor University have sent me and all there other nervous and excited students a treasure map! (best way to put it like a map with full of treasure to be frank)

Now I know that sounds childish but I have loved pirates since I was a kid and that’s the first thing the map reminded me of. It’s full of all the best things around Bangor University and all of the best places for adventurers and explorers! 

It has really helped me get excited for university again! I’m excited to be learning media  because I’m so passionate about it and I can’t wait to make new friends (even if I am incredibly nervous). But this map has made me love the university even more and abruptly awoken the adventurer in me! Okay so here are some of the things in and around Bangor that I can’t wait to see and explore! 

First off the beaches are a huuuuge thing to me! I pretty much grew up with days at the beach. I could walk all over North Wales from memory by now and there are so many different things to do! Snorkelling at Trearddur Bay, surfing at Rhosneigr beach, seal watching and a boat trip to puffin island and frankly just living by the sea will make me so happy! 

I feel like a little kid going on holiday! I can’t wait to go exploring with my trusty camera blogging all about every place I visit! I used to think it was stupid how hyped people got about university but damn I’m feeling it. If I become a Bangor swot I don’t even care I’m too excited.  
There I so much I can’t wait to see! Caernarfon castle, the Menai Bridge, Beaumaris castle, the fastest zip line in the world, Snowdonia National Park and TV Coch Inn! All these places to visit and explore. The best scones in wales at Bangor pier will definitely worth a try, karaoke at Uno student bar will be worth a go (if I am drunk enough) and I plan to join loads of societies especially those that promote adventure! 

The university itself has me excited! Other than the media studies I am excited about being a student again! The main building is nicknamed Hogwarts and it has a Quidditch team! The library. My god the library is beautiful. As a bibliophile and library lover it makes me so happy to see such a beautiful place! 

I am enthusiastic and ready to work my hardest and always do my best! But also plan to take this map (along with other maps as I have no sense of direction) and explore, go on adventures and live fully in Bangor!

I haven’t felt this excited in ages but I can feel all my worries drifting away. I can’t wait for university! I can’t wait to have a life! There is also the longest place name in Europe. It’s Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch! I mean how do you even pronounce that? 

All in all I just feel happy, enthusiastic and ready for my adventure at university! 

Spring in the air, spring in my step!

Spring! Finally! I have missed spring. The cherry blossoms, flowers, the trees! Just the way everything blooms! I’m feeling blooming too, pretty blooming good!

I’m using this time to change! Spring is the time of year for birth and new things, so I’m recreating myself. At the end of college I had become someone I didn’t really like. I had gotten used to being unhealthy, unhappy and unattractive both in looks and personality. So I’m changing.

I’m doing pretty well with learning to love myself and being happier! I am trying to better myself and live. Because for a lot of my gap year I have been alive but not living.

One of my main changes is that I’m going to be less pessimistic. Or well I’m going to try. I’m also being more active. I’m working out 4 hours a week along with working! Just so I get back into the swing of being busy. I lost my get up and go so I’m planting a seed of motivation that will grow.

I’m also going to be more myself. A bad habit of mine and I’m sure on most people have is changing who you are for people. In my last post I talked about how different people bring aspects of yourself out. If I looked at my last two friend groups. Then looked at me with them. There is a difference. I haven’t changed just different parts of me were exaggerated. But from now on I’m just going to be me. 100%.

I’m also going to go out more. I find that when I’m sat inside I just feel lazier and depressed. The weather is lovely again so I have no reason not to go and explore!

This spring is the year I finally bloom!

I mean it’s a start?

If you have been readin my posts (god knows why) you would see that I have been sat in a metaphorical ditch. One of those ditches that get deeper as you try to climb out. But I have finally dragged myself out of it. 

After feeling bad for a while and not really doing anything. Ever. I have started being productive again! I have been excepted in my first choice university! I’m even visiting them soon, checking out the nearby student studios and getting to know the city around it. I also got a job again! I have worked at this place before so I’m happy to be going back! (Also I’m very thrilled to have money again. For a spendthrift I’m pretty poor) 

Even though there is a part of me that is pretty much ready to sleep for a thousand years I’m excited to be productive and maybe sort my life out! Now that I only have to pick my accommodation I’m really excited about university too! Probably a good idea to start going over all of my media stuff so I turn up like a pro. Hopefully that ditch was the only one on my road to nowhere. (Probably not)

So how are things? Things are good!

Narrator: Things were not good. 

This isn’t going to be like my other posts I’m afraid. I guess the rest are more hopeful and just thoughts. But everyone gets bad thoughts too I guess. My biggest problem is that I hate myself. I just fully hate myself. I find it hard to find stuff I like about myself or even think good about myself. (Except for my humour and jokes. Probably the best part about me.) 

I have been like this for years now. I have stumbled again on my road to nowhere. This time I’m finding it hard to get up. It’s hard to be motivated about life and moving forward when you haven’t had any motivation or strive to be alive since you were sixteen. It’s rare that I do anything anymore. I just feel like nonexisting for a while. I don’t want to die. I’m quite happy with being alive. But I wish I could take breaks. Stop existing for a bit. 

I probably just sounds like every other eighteen year old. Moaning about how the world is cruel and how life is hard and how I’m pathetic and wallowing in self pity. Well I’m right. I am being pathetic. It gets harder for me to look in the mirror because a fat ugly disappointment of a person stares back. The bitch who cause all my problems. The one who threw me into this cycle of being unhealthy, unhappy and unmotivated to do anything. 

I’m constantly screaming internally at life. I’m so stressed all the time to the point where I have made myself ill. I’m so unhappy with who I am that I would rather not exist. I’m so worried of failing again that i don’t have the motivation to try. 

But I just have to breathe. Everyone has bad days. Everyone has demons. I guess for today they just tripped me up. But I’ll get back up tomorrow. I’ll carry on my road to nowhere. 

Mama didn’t raise a quittter.