Summer Storm

Some people see storms as bad weather. I see them as a flash of life. The growl of the darkened clouds, every veiny flash of light pierces the sky, the scent and sound of  the heavy downpour of rain soothes my soul. 

After yesterday’s random punch of depression and self hate I needed something to lift me up. The numbness I had felt had been like a drought. Dry and hard. Now the storm has came and my tears have poured down as heavy as this rain. I have felt a sudden rumble in my heart which lead to an intense and unexpected storm of emotion. I cried so much but I must say I have needed this. 

It’s the early hours of the morning. I’m laying here sung on my top bunk. My brother sitting on the window and my sister stood next to me leaning on the ladder of our bed. All of us calmly watching the flashing sky and listening to the rain dancing in the puddles. All of us happy and at peace. I’m going to miss this. Moments like these are ones I will treasure forever. But this has also made me realise something. 

The bond I have with my siblings is strong. Stronger than this storm and anything else nature can throw at us. I love my family and I know they love me. When I’m at university our ties will not loosen. We will still be close. I guess what I’m trying to say is I don’t need to worry about my family drifting away because out bonds are stronger than nature itself. 

The thunder has quietend and the sky has gone dark. Now there is only the sound of calm rain dropping on the leaves of the trees. The storm in my head has silenced. After a day of laughing with my family and watching the storm slowly die I feel better. 

This storm has ended a numbing drought and even though the thunder was loud and the rain was heavy, flowers may bloom and grow from this. I hope to do the same. 

On the run

University is coming closer every day. Thirty three days to be exact. I should really be getting ready for it. Buying things I need and packing. But I’ve been running away from this. 

Ever since I found out about my depression I have been trying to distract myself from life. I’m so scared about university. I’m scared of being alone with these problems. I’m having nightmares on what will happen in my first weeks. I still have the mindset of failure. So why try if I’m gonna fail. 

I’m worried about not understanding anything and being the dumbest in class. What if I make no friends? What if I spend all my time alone. Alone with my depressive thoughts and self hating nature. That’s never good. 

I had a dream last night. I was moving in and setting everything out in my room. Then I gave my family a hug and cried. Then they left. My heart still aches to how alone I’m going to feel. It’s pretty pathetic how sad I get over this. 

I guess I’ve ran far enough now. It’s time I ran into this head first. Prepared my self and get ready for an adventure. I need to fight this worry and fear. I can’t keep running backward in my road to nowhere. I can only move forwards and hope to grow. 

I need to stop running away because no matter how fast I run. These thoughts are catching up. 

What’s wrong with me?

So the other day, I had my first therapy session. It was awkward and personal. But I finally found out what’s wrong with me. My pessimistic nature helped when the therapist told me I have OCD anxiety and  depression. 

I want to say I was shocked. That I was amazed I had this problem. But I’ve been like this for so long no bad news surprises me.  On the plus side I’m getting therapy and help now. It’ll be nice to speak to someone who has no connection to me or my life. I hope they can help me. I’m so sick of feeling like this. 

I haven’t been sleeping well in forever. I’m currently awake diving into my cocoon of self hatred and analysis. I get too deep in myself and I just lie here. Lost and suffocating in my thoughts. I can’t think straight. I wish I could stop thinking. 

Sorry this was a short post. I just wanted to get this off my chest in a way. 

Otherworldly escapist 

I’ve been trying to be happy lately. It’s kinda working. I ignore my bad thoughts or I’ve been distancing myself. I have a great imagination so it’s easy to drift from reality time to time. 

I’m not as upset with myself. I still hate myself but I’m trying to handle it better. I’ve been reading a lot of books, writing my stories and drawing again. It’s helping. I feel good about myself when I’m writing my stories and drawing. I can see myself improving. It’s nice to feel good at something. 

Especially since I haven’t felt excited for anything lately. I haven’t been speaking to my friends as much. Whether that is just through lack of conversation or they have finally seen how much of a loser I am and decided to ditch me I don’t know. It’s comic con this weekend too. I have probably the best cosplay I have ever had. I’m still not excited. Because something will probably go wrong. Or I’ll just look terrible as usual. 

I have 3 main stories. With 2 being linked and set in the same universe only 300 years apart. I live through them sometimes. Strong protagonists go on wild adventures, make interesting friends and usually are noticed and loved by many. Most of my stories come from dreams. With me being the protagonist and people I know being in it too. If I think it’s good I write it down. Change the characters to suit the story. Then I build from there.

 I believe writers base a lot of there stories and things within them off their own lives and people they know. Frankly one of my protagonists is what I wish I was. Strong, smart, respected by many, looked up too and beautiful. I like to escape into my fantasies. I create stories with depth, character development and interesting tales. It makes me happy. Because I know I’m good at something. 

I think I am being creative again because it makes me happy. Embarrassed because I hope people don’t think I’m being stupid. But happy nonetheless. It feels good to feel good about myself. 

Slowly I am opening up to the concept of loving myself and likening who I am. I know now that no one cares about me. (Except for my family of course) So I should care about myself and make myself feel good. I think I’m really imaginative and great at creating stories! 

And you know what? It feels really good to like something about myself! I haven’t felt pride like this in a while. Hopefully this feeling grows because it would be nice to be happy in reality and not just in my fantasies. 

Elysian wallflower 

I’ve always been a wallflower. I go unnoticed and I’m not really missed. It doesn’t bother me too much. Just somethings get me really upset. 

I guess I like attention but I wouldn’t say I’m an attention seeker. I just would like to be noticed once in a while. I guess that’s why I loved media in college so much. I was top of the class. Literally I got the highest grade and that’s because I worked the hardest. Sweat, blood and a lot of tears went into my work and it was noticed! People used to ask me for advice! My teacher would praise me. Not a lot because he was kinda serious and critical all the time (which helped me get an A in my coursework so fair enough). Also I have realised every media teacher I have met has come across mellow and dead inside. You can see why I find them so relatable and easy to speak too. 

But anyway. It just felt nice that someone noticed how hard I worked. How I had been that stressed I had messed up my health. I wasn’t sleeping well and I cried a lot. Because I wanted and needed to do so well. It’s weird but because I was so good I’m scared of what I’m going to be at university. I feel like I have to be one of the best. In my other classes I still worked hard. I wasn’t really noticed for it though. I wasn’t really noticed in a lot of things. 

I think over time I’ve just came to except that I’m a wallflower. I don’t really stand out. I’m not that special. I’d say I’m funny and have a really good imagination but that’s about it. It used to really upset me. How I was never the one that everyone wanted to be like or be friends with. I was never the one people praised for hard work. I didn’t really stand out to anyone no matter how hard I tried. 

That used to upset me. But lately I have been trying to change how I think. Try to be more optimistic. I think I’m a hidden gem. I go unnoticed and I don’t really stand out, but when I am noticed people see how special I really am. They see that I am an extremely loyal and caring friend. They see that I have an amazing imagination and have being drawing and writing stories since I could. They see that I’m really good and motivated in work I care about. 

I’ve finally accepted that I’m a wallflower. Because no one said the wallflower can’t be beautiful. And it’s time I started seeing myself as such. Just because I’m not noticed by everyone doesn’t mean I can’t notice how great I truly am! This has got to be the first time in years I have allowed myself to feel good about who I am. It feels nice and light! 

Downpour to drizzle 

I have been low. Very low. So low in fact that if I sunk any further I would probably disappear. I haven’t been this bad in a while. Never cried this much. I’ve felt nothing and everything at once. It’s like I have a storm cloud above my head. 

I’m starting to feel less low. My mood is rising and the storm is calming. I’ve got my first therapy appointment booked and I’m starting to feel slightly excited for university. I have no idea where the huge build up of fear and worry has come. Maybe I’m just feeling this burst of life because I am at the end, it’s too late to back out so I might as well roll with it. Like in fantasy films, where a character is going to die anyway so they fight to the death. 

Anyway, I think this storm has passed now. Things aren’t great. But they aren’t as bad. It will be nice to talk to someone about my problems. Even if the room will be flooded with my tears and depressing vibe. I’m getting back up again. Walking down my road. Off to whatever the future holds. (Probably a lotta tears but whatever). 

I need to start helping myself. Talking to a therapist can only do so much. I need to create goodness within me while people are helping with the goodness outside. I am trying to love myself. There’s not much to love but I’m working on it. I’m trying to be chill more which is hard when inside I’m constantly a flame with stress and tension. With the whole OCD touching thing. I will try to think rationally. But being honest I still don’t think the things I have a problem with are a problem. My reaction to them however. Is bad. 

I need to realise I have support and love around me. My family and a therapist will help. Maybe I will finally help myself instead of bottling up my feelings. I have friends I could speak to. But they only know so much, there’s things I can’t tell them and things I don’t want them to know. I don’t want to burden them with my weakness. 

Either way I guess this blog post is just saying that I’ll get back up again. I’m back and ready to try. You know what they say, you can’t have a rainbow without a little rain. 

A pathetic apathetic 

Pathetic. That’s me! I’m that much of a loser it’s almost laughable. 

I either feel too much or nothing. I am constantly on the verge of crying and I hate myself. I can’t stand people touching me or getting in my personal space. Or even coming near my things. 

These problems I have have and are still getting worse. I hate myself so much I find it hard to look at myself. I’m just so prepared for failure that I feel no excitement to my future. I have spent days just lying in the same spot doing nothing. I just feel so rubbish. I have to wash my hands after touching things or keep them away from me till I can. I just feel like my life is going nowhere. 

I keep panicking because I know I’m wasting my life but I don’t have the motivation to be alive. All that my life will be is the same as everyone’s. We work till we die to have the bare necessities. Each day more people dying over politics and stupid hatred. The planet is dying and soon I won’t be surprised if our children live in a dystopian land. 

Sorry. I’m digging to deep into things again. I just feel so bad lately. I feel empty and sad.  I don’t have anything to do and I can’t stop thinking about my problems. 

I don’t know. This is just a late night ramble field by self hate and the fact that I don’t want to cry. 

Time is running out

I’m not ready for change. I’m not ready for university. How am I going to handle being alone?

Lately I have been thinking about university. I’m living on a countdown. The clock keeps ticking closer and closer to the inevitable. I’m nervous and finding it hard to see the good in my future. I feel too stupid, introverted and weak for university. 

I’m scared. I’m scared of being alone. I’m scared of not being able to handle it. I’m scared of people getting into my personal space. I’m scared of the future and of failure. 

Time has stopped. My days are full of calm fun things. I have no schedule and no deadlines. The end of my gap year has been refreshingly peaceful. But the closer it has gotten to September, the louder the clock. Each second closer to university weighing down on me. 

I’m probably just overthinking. In the long run this will be good for me. Education wise it’s a brilliant choice and will help me with my (debt filled) adult life. It’s an adventure. I will grow. I will learn. I will manage. 

But right now time has stood still. I am enjoying it. I am cherishing these moments of calm and quiet. These moments that lack stress and worry. The moments where I am happy with my family or out with friends. Time has stood still for a while and I thrived in it. But in this quiet serenity there has always been the countdown to university. 

The little tick tock of destiny…

and the ticking of the clock is getting louder. 

The little things 

Today we went out for my birthday. I have had such an amazing day! But now that I’m lying in bed alone with my thoughts it’s just reminding me that I’m going to miss this. 

Today we went for a meal at my favourite restaurant, looked round a few shops and went for a big walk at the beach. It was great I felt so happy and loved! My family are the best. At the beach I felt most at peace. My heart belongs to the sea. Whenever I’m there I feel fully calm. I can think clearly. 

But now I just feel upset. I’m going to miss the spontaneous days out I have with my family. The late night chats with my siblings. Sometimes they ask me for advice sometimes we just chat about silly things. (Like whether Shrek is still a good film). I’ll miss chatting with my parents.  I’m going to miss the daily hugs. (I’m 19 but mentally I’m about 5). It sounds stupid but after a bad day a hug from my mum is enough to kick start my optimism and make me feel happy. I’ll miss hearing them about the house. Just knowing they are there if I need them. 

It’s the little simple things I’ll miss when I’m at university. Just the warmth of home and the daily love from my family. At university I will have the cool of a lonely room and the online love from my family. Which is nice but I would rather be with them. I’m excited for university but I’m going to miss my family so much. 

In my life on my darkest days, when my self hatred becomes to harsh, my will to live is low and the world seems against me. My family are the only thing I love and care about and they get me through the day.  

Sinking to the bottom of the sea 

I’ve sunken low. I wish I wasn’t me. I am such a horrible person. 

All I seem to do is mess things up. Sometimes when I feel things are getting good I subconsciously have to go and mess things up. 

I overthink too much. Too the point I’m falling out with friends and stressing out my family. I wake up with no motivation to do anything. So I’m disappointing my parents because I’m not making effort to be alive. 

I hate myself. Why have I been so grumpy lately. I’m being horrible to everyone without reason. I feel upset, embarrassed, angry. I despise myself. I’m nothing but a disappointment who overthinks and ruins things. I’m toxic. 

I want to sink to the bottom of the sea and be left there. That way I can’t disappoint or hurt anyone. I feel like I keep getting deeper and I can’t come up for air. These bad feelings are getting worse and now I’m effecting people I love too. 

I’m sinking and I can’t breathe.