Some people see storms as bad weather. I see them as a flash of life. The growl of the darkened clouds, every veiny flash of light pierces the sky, the scent and sound of the heavy downpour of rain soothes my soul.
After yesterday’s random punch of depression and self hate I needed something to lift me up. The numbness I had felt had been like a drought. Dry and hard. Now the storm has came and my tears have poured down as heavy as this rain. I have felt a sudden rumble in my heart which lead to an intense and unexpected storm of emotion. I cried so much but I must say I have needed this.
It’s the early hours of the morning. I’m laying here sung on my top bunk. My brother sitting on the window and my sister stood next to me leaning on the ladder of our bed. All of us calmly watching the flashing sky and listening to the rain dancing in the puddles. All of us happy and at peace. I’m going to miss this. Moments like these are ones I will treasure forever. But this has also made me realise something.
The bond I have with my siblings is strong. Stronger than this storm and anything else nature can throw at us. I love my family and I know they love me. When I’m at university our ties will not loosen. We will still be close. I guess what I’m trying to say is I don’t need to worry about my family drifting away because out bonds are stronger than nature itself.
The thunder has quietend and the sky has gone dark. Now there is only the sound of calm rain dropping on the leaves of the trees. The storm in my head has silenced. After a day of laughing with my family and watching the storm slowly die I feel better.
This storm has ended a numbing drought and even though the thunder was loud and the rain was heavy, flowers may bloom and grow from this. I hope to do the same.
This is a messy post. I don’t care. I feel so bad right now. I don’t even know why. I’ve been numb for the past week. A lot of bad things happened but it ended okay. I’m sat in tears. I can feel then dripping down my gross face.
What was I thinking. Telling people about my stories, writing and drawing again, revising media and trying to lose weight. WHY do I keep fooling myself into believing I am gonna be good at anything. I feel so embarrassed and upset. I bet my parents think I’m childish and stupid because I put effort in storywriting and drawing. I must be getting on my friends nerves because I don’t shut up. Everyone must be sick of how I keep saying I’m gonna lose weight and have a little plan of how im supposedly going to. Everyone must be sick of me because I sure am.
I’m such a fool. I hate myself so much. I’m not good at anything. I’m even doubting the only two things i liked about myself. What if I don’t have a good imagination and my stories are shit. What if I’m not funny and people laugh out of pity. What if people only put up for me because they feel sorry for me and how lame I am.
I’m so sad right now. This has been building up all week. The other day I was crying because I had to take the bin out. I wore gloves. But my stupid OCD kicked in and I cried and had to wash my hands. I feel so mad at myself. I’m so annoyed that I even tried to be happy and change. Especially because I won’t. I have been and always be a fuck up. The other week I was numb now I feel everything at once. I want to punch something because I feel so upset and mad.
I’m falling into an abyss. My chest is tight and I can’t stop crying. I want to scream but no one will hear. I’m so sad right now. I hate this.
University is coming closer every day. Thirty three days to be exact. I should really be getting ready for it. Buying things I need and packing. But I’ve been running away from this.
Ever since I found out about my depression I have been trying to distract myself from life. I’m so scared about university. I’m scared of being alone with these problems. I’m having nightmares on what will happen in my first weeks. I still have the mindset of failure. So why try if I’m gonna fail.
I’m worried about not understanding anything and being the dumbest in class. What if I make no friends? What if I spend all my time alone. Alone with my depressive thoughts and self hating nature. That’s never good.
I had a dream last night. I was moving in and setting everything out in my room. Then I gave my family a hug and cried. Then they left. My heart still aches to how alone I’m going to feel. It’s pretty pathetic how sad I get over this.
I guess I’ve ran far enough now. It’s time I ran into this head first. Prepared my self and get ready for an adventure. I need to fight this worry and fear. I can’t keep running backward in my road to nowhere. I can only move forwards and hope to grow.
I need to stop running away because no matter how fast I run. These thoughts are catching up.
I’m defeated, discouraged and disheartened. I’m so angry. I can’t move. My days are timeless lonely nothingness. I have no routine and other than the scream of university I have nothing. I’m so fucking alone and sad constantly. I have no motivation to do anything. I feel like I am dead.
I am trying to change things. The other day I went to the doctors to seek help for my problems. I cried. It was really hard to tell someone about it. To sit with someone who doesn’t know and just say how I hate myself so much and feel like I’m never going to amount to anything. How I am constantly on the verge of crying and just want to do nothing even though that makes it worse. I don’t find anything fun anymore. It’s just a way to pass the time so I can go to bed. How I have huge problem with people touching me or things. I have to wash my hands constantly. I have to clean my face all the time. People touching me makes me cry and want to have a shower. I just feel so shit. I feel like I’m lying in my grave just waiting to die.
My mum came with me to the appointment. I love my mum she is being really supportive through all of this. (Wish I could say the same about the rest of my fam. They just think I’m being silly with my touching and cleanliness stuff. They pull faces and moan. It makes me uncomfortable and guilty. But whatever.) She is the person I go to for all my help. She held my hand and helped me explain. I’m gonna be getting therapy for a while. So that will hopefully help.
I just feel so sad. I just wanna cry and hug someone. I’m so scared of the future. I’m so tired of my life now. I’m not alone but I feel so lonely. I hate being in my house because I’m always there with nothing to do but sit and think. I have no motivation to do anything. My mind is just a mess. A storm and with every crack of thunder and crash of lightning the rain is getting heavier. I cry so much it’s pathetic.
I hope tomorrow is a nice day so I can sit out side. I hope the sun comes out soon.
Pathetic. That’s me! I’m that much of a loser it’s almost laughable.
I either feel too much or nothing. I am constantly on the verge of crying and I hate myself. I can’t stand people touching me or getting in my personal space. Or even coming near my things.
These problems I have have and are still getting worse. I hate myself so much I find it hard to look at myself. I’m just so prepared for failure that I feel no excitement to my future. I have spent days just lying in the same spot doing nothing. I just feel so rubbish. I have to wash my hands after touching things or keep them away from me till I can. I just feel like my life is going nowhere.
I keep panicking because I know I’m wasting my life but I don’t have the motivation to be alive. All that my life will be is the same as everyone’s. We work till we die to have the bare necessities. Each day more people dying over politics and stupid hatred. The planet is dying and soon I won’t be surprised if our children live in a dystopian land.
Sorry. I’m digging to deep into things again. I just feel so bad lately. I feel empty and sad. I don’t have anything to do and I can’t stop thinking about my problems.
I don’t know. This is just a late night ramble field by self hate and the fact that I don’t want to cry.