Captain without a crew

I’ve set sail to a life of adventure but I have done it alone. Today hasn’t been great my OCD has started kicking again. Its a horrible mix of wanting a hug and not wanting to be touched. Making friends is so hard. I feel so alone all the time.

I must sound like a spoilt kid. Its shocking to think I’m nineteen and at university. After having a gap year an not having to wear masks and just be myself its uncomfortable to wear them again. My mum reassures me that its just because of my anxieties and introvertedness that I feel so alone.  But I think its just because I’m so unlikable.

I haven’t joined any societies yet. All of the walking, studying and general university life is exhausting. So I have probably missed out on making friends there. After my unwelcoming welcome week my flat mates probably hate me. Or think I’m ‘special’. I feel so out of the loop with things.

I hate being so introverted. I want to be like other students partying and being confident and just making friends easily. But I don’t. I hate clubbing I feel so out of place. I’m not confident at all. I often wonder if anyone has ever hated themselves as much as I hate myself. I’m worried that I’m overthinking things and in turn acting weird and making my flatmates think I hate them. I don’t.

I have set sail into this life of adventure. Many people have crews now. All together enjoying this journey. While I’m stood on a sinking ship. Without a crew. Without a hope. Why am I so bad at being human. I can’t do anything right or when I think I have something else messes up. I hate myself so much.

At least I’m going home for the weekend. To be with the people I can feel comfortable around because its my family. My safe place. My sanctuary.

I don’t know if I’ll be able to come back.

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Constant confusion 

It seems like just as I start to get the hang of university life, I trip up. I’m currently lying in bed with a tension headache or migraine, stressed and a mess. It’s aching from being in constant “I don’t understand” state. 

My road to nowhere has been very hilly lately. University has brought me ups and downs. It’s levelling out now that we are doing courses and I’m busy. But I still keep tripping up. I keep getting so confused about readings? I’m pretty sure I’m doing everything wrong. Being honest I don’t feel smart enough to be here. 

I have missed this stress in a sense. From going to doing nothing constantly to being busy all the time makes me feel more alive I guess. And tired. I’m so tired all the time. I’m getting used to the walking and I’m getting used to the work. But it’s exhausting. 

I never know what I’m doing. If I’m doing it right? Is the work good enough? Is my all good enough?? I’m so confused about the readings and some of the work. I don’t want to bombard people with questions or seem dumb but I’m really stuck. 

This was a pretty lame post. But I’m so tired and I’m pretty sure my head is about to explode. 

High and really low 

This is my first post at university. Needless to say this first week has been a mess. A scary exciting slow mess. But I’m starting to get the hang of it. 

So my first day. If you read my last post it was obvious that I was terrified. My mum came with me and while it was fun being with her and getting all of my stuff and decorating my room. I thought I couldn’t handle it alone. I don’t think I have cried so much in one day. I went to bed with a red sore cheeks and tired bloodshot eyes. My mum didn’t leave until 5pm. Once she left I cried some more. But I went out with my flat mates and got to know them. I didn’t sleep that night. 

My second day was low but not as bad. I cried when I woke up I didn’t know what to do with myself. But I got through the day. I have to say I feel blessed that I have such nice flat mates. They are all so friendly and chill it really puts my anxiety at ease. I cried some more before bed. 

I also spoke to the warden of my flats. She is really nice and had been at uni for 3 years and is a total pro. She told me about the student support plan? That I can get help while I’m at uni and that it might put my depression at ease. So I have signed up to that. 

Monday and Tuesday were a blur of making friends and learning about my school! It’s been fun! I thought I was finally doing well! But obviously I would wreck everything for myself. 

Wednesday was awful. Just everything kept going wrong. That night I drank to much and ended up having a break down. I was so drunk. I cried my heart out. I kept calling the wardens angels and good eggs (they come to fuckups like me when we are having a sitch) I kept telling people I was related to pirates? ( must’ve been all the rum I drank) I told them that these mental illnesses are killing me and I don’t want to die but if I could stop existing and my family would be okay I would. 

All in all it was an embarrassing, drunken tearful, wreck of a night. But yknow what. As ashamed of myself as I was. (And sick. Very sick) I don’t feel awful. I’m still embarrassed that I made a fool of myself. But who hasn’t! People have done worse things when drunk. All I did was cry. So I’m not going to let my self hate get the best of me. People mess up. People do dumb things when drunk. To er is human. I’m no exception. So yes I had a wreck of a Wednesday night and made a fool of myself. But I feel better after getting it out of my system. Quite literally. But I will learn from this and grow. 

Yesterday was a better day! I met with a mental health adviser at my university and we have sorted some things. Today my mum is visiting me and I am going to relax. 

This week has been rocky and had the worst lows and some pretty good highs. I’ve made a fool of myself and cried loads. But I have made loads of friends! My flat mates are great, my courses are interesting and awesome. After this week I feel slightly better. 

I have had worse years. 2014 scarred me. But I got through. So three years at university doing a course I love, thriving in independence and adventure. I think I can handle it. 

Fear- the morning of moving to university 

Today I move to university. These past few days I haven’t cried loads. I’ve felt numb. It’s felt unreal. But now that I’m about to leave I feel like the crying won’t stop. 

I’m stood on the edge only a cliff. About to jump into the unknown. I don’t know how I’m gonna handle university. Part of me thinks this is just my reaction to fear. I don’t know what I’m thinking. Moving away??? Am I joking??? 

I’m going to miss the daily hugs and time with my family? What if I don’t make it? I’m so scared and sad about being alone. What if i fail?? Am I even strong enough to be alone? 

I have to stay calm. I need to remember what mum and dad said. That’s I can come home at any point. If I feel like I can’t handle it. If I miss my family my mum will come and drive up no matter the time or day. I need to remember that my family love me. With a love stronger than any force on earth. 

You are probably wondering why did I pick a uni not close to home if I’m so family oriented? It was the best corse for me and my future. And all in all the university is great for me. But now I’m worried I made a mistake. Or is this anxiety? Am I overthinking everything because I’m sad? 

I’m terrified to make this leap. But there’s nothing I can do to stop it. 

Winds of change

Autumn is in the air. Leaves are starting to turn red. In 6 days I am moving to university. September is the month of change. The weather gets colder. I’m starting a new adventure!

I’m excited for university! Mainly the course part, after wasting so much time in my gap year it will be nice to feel good at something and working hard again. I’m not keen on welcome week. It will be fun but as a pessimistic introvert with social anxiety I can only handle so much. 

I’m using this as a chance to be reborn. Change myself. Be more myself. I have thinking about a quote lately. It’s just a little quote from a Ghibli film I watched recently. It was “Always believe in yourself. Do this and no matter where you are, you will have nothing to fear”. It’s really stuck with me. Because maybe if I do believe in myself and stop all the self hatred. I might feel better when I’m alone. 

After highschool being one version of me and college being another. I spent my gap year in a blank mode. I had my interests and my personality. But I’ve been pretty blank. I haven’t had much fashion sense as I have spent my time in pjs or work clothes. Usually sunk on the couch feeling sad. Don’t get me wrong I have had fun too! But this year I have really let my unwillingness to be alive take over. 

But enough of living in the past. My gap year was a great and well needed break. I hope I stay close to my friends through uni. College blessed me with a wonderful set of friends. I love them so much. They are all so original and unique and just hearing from them makes me happy. Luckily one of my best friends is gonna visit me often as they aren’t going university. I hope I make new friends too! 

I want to go on adventures! I want to learn loads! It’s really scary and I’ll be completely alone but I am welcoming this change. I’m ready to work hard and live. 

The season is changing and with them, I’m beginning to change too. 

Who am I again? 

I’m not sure at the moment. This might just be my lack of sleep talking but I’m forgetting myself. 

I have spent quite a while slumped in my depression. Spending most days in the house in my pjs. Having little contact with friends. I don’t really do much unless I’m doing fun things with my family. But I have forgot myself. I don’t know what fashion style I have and I can’t remember how I speak to people. Listen I may be half asleep but even I know that this sounds, well it sounds extremely dumb. 

I guess this all links back to what I said in a older post. How different people bring out or heigthen aspects of yourself. But seeing as I have mainly been around myself and family. I should have met my ultimate self or something now? I guess I just got used to the facade of acting a certain way. 

It’s like how the Japanese say you have three faces. The first face, you show to the world. The second face, to your close friends and family. The third face, you never show anyone. It is the truest reflection of who you are. But I don’t know what the truest reflection of myself is? I used to. But I feel like that face has cracked. If I were to see it in the mirror it would be my body and a giant scribble where my face should be. 

I obviously have interests and opinions. But other than that I have forgotten what I’m like? I’m so used to being a hermit living in pastel pyjamas and spending their days playing on a DS or drawing. I have spent a lot of time with my family which has really helped me stay happy. I rarely see my friends. I hope they don’t think I’m purposely cutting them off. 

But yeah. This is a dumb post. I’m just thinking about how I can use university to reinvent myself. Get rid of the things I hate about myself and become who I want to be. The only thing is I don’t know who I am anymore. Or who I wanna be. I just feel like a blur of a person. 

This was stupid. I’m so tired it’s probably just that. I hope I find myself soon. 

Summer Storm

Some people see storms as bad weather. I see them as a flash of life. The growl of the darkened clouds, every veiny flash of light pierces the sky, the scent and sound of  the heavy downpour of rain soothes my soul. 

After yesterday’s random punch of depression and self hate I needed something to lift me up. The numbness I had felt had been like a drought. Dry and hard. Now the storm has came and my tears have poured down as heavy as this rain. I have felt a sudden rumble in my heart which lead to an intense and unexpected storm of emotion. I cried so much but I must say I have needed this. 

It’s the early hours of the morning. I’m laying here sung on my top bunk. My brother sitting on the window and my sister stood next to me leaning on the ladder of our bed. All of us calmly watching the flashing sky and listening to the rain dancing in the puddles. All of us happy and at peace. I’m going to miss this. Moments like these are ones I will treasure forever. But this has also made me realise something. 

The bond I have with my siblings is strong. Stronger than this storm and anything else nature can throw at us. I love my family and I know they love me. When I’m at university our ties will not loosen. We will still be close. I guess what I’m trying to say is I don’t need to worry about my family drifting away because out bonds are stronger than nature itself. 

The thunder has quietend and the sky has gone dark. Now there is only the sound of calm rain dropping on the leaves of the trees. The storm in my head has silenced. After a day of laughing with my family and watching the storm slowly die I feel better. 

This storm has ended a numbing drought and even though the thunder was loud and the rain was heavy, flowers may bloom and grow from this. I hope to do the same. 

FALLING

This is a messy post. I don’t care. I feel so bad right now. I don’t even know why. I’ve been numb for the past week. A lot of bad things happened but it ended okay. I’m sat in tears. I can feel then dripping down my gross face. 

What was I thinking. Telling people about my stories, writing and drawing again, revising media and trying to lose weight. WHY do I keep fooling myself into believing I am gonna be good at anything. I feel so embarrassed and upset. I bet my parents think I’m childish and stupid because I put effort in storywriting and drawing. I must be getting on my friends nerves because I don’t shut up. Everyone must be sick of how I keep saying I’m gonna lose weight and have a little plan of how im supposedly going to. Everyone must be sick of me because I sure am. 

I’m such a fool. I hate myself so much. I’m not good at anything. I’m even doubting the only two things i liked about myself. What if I don’t have a good imagination and my stories are shit. What if I’m not funny and people laugh out of pity. What if people only put up for me because they feel sorry for me and how lame I am. 

I’m so sad right now. This has been building up all week. The other day I was crying because I had to take the bin out. I wore gloves. But my stupid OCD kicked in and I cried and had to wash my hands.  I feel so mad at myself. I’m so annoyed that I even tried to be happy and change. Especially because I won’t. I have been and always be a fuck up. The other week I was numb now I feel everything at once. I want to punch something because I feel so upset and mad. 

I’m falling into an abyss. My chest is tight and I can’t stop crying. I want to scream but no one will hear. I’m so sad right now. I hate this. 

On the run

University is coming closer every day. Thirty three days to be exact. I should really be getting ready for it. Buying things I need and packing. But I’ve been running away from this. 

Ever since I found out about my depression I have been trying to distract myself from life. I’m so scared about university. I’m scared of being alone with these problems. I’m having nightmares on what will happen in my first weeks. I still have the mindset of failure. So why try if I’m gonna fail. 

I’m worried about not understanding anything and being the dumbest in class. What if I make no friends? What if I spend all my time alone. Alone with my depressive thoughts and self hating nature. That’s never good. 

I had a dream last night. I was moving in and setting everything out in my room. Then I gave my family a hug and cried. Then they left. My heart still aches to how alone I’m going to feel. It’s pretty pathetic how sad I get over this. 

I guess I’ve ran far enough now. It’s time I ran into this head first. Prepared my self and get ready for an adventure. I need to fight this worry and fear. I can’t keep running backward in my road to nowhere. I can only move forwards and hope to grow. 

I need to stop running away because no matter how fast I run. These thoughts are catching up. 

Everlasting storm

I’m defeated, discouraged and disheartened. I’m so angry. I can’t move. My days are timeless lonely nothingness. I have no routine and other than the scream of university I have nothing. I’m so fucking alone and sad constantly. I have no motivation to do anything. I feel like I am dead. 

I am trying to change things. The other day I went to the doctors to seek help for my problems. I cried. It was really hard to tell someone about it. To sit with someone who doesn’t know and just say how I hate myself so much and feel like I’m never going to amount to anything. How I am constantly on the verge of crying and just want to do nothing even though that makes it worse. I don’t find anything fun anymore. It’s just a way to pass the time so I can go to bed. How I have huge problem with people touching me or things. I have to wash my hands constantly. I have to clean my face all the time. People touching me makes me cry and want to have a shower. I just feel so shit. I feel like I’m lying in my grave just waiting to die. 

My mum came with me to the appointment. I love my mum she is being really supportive through all of this. (Wish I could say the same about the rest of my fam. They just think I’m being silly with my touching and cleanliness stuff. They pull faces and moan. It makes me uncomfortable and guilty. But whatever.) She is the person I go to for all my help. She held my hand and helped me explain. I’m gonna be getting therapy for a while. So that will hopefully help. 

I just feel so sad. I just wanna cry and hug someone. I’m so scared of the future. I’m so tired of my life now. I’m not alone but I feel so lonely. I hate being in my house because I’m always there with nothing to do but sit and think. I have no motivation to do anything. My mind is just a mess. A storm and with every crack of thunder and crash of lightning the rain is getting heavier. I cry so much it’s pathetic. 

I hope tomorrow is a nice day so I can sit out side. I hope the sun comes out soon.