Otherworldly escapist 

I’ve been trying to be happy lately. It’s kinda working. I ignore my bad thoughts or I’ve been distancing myself. I have a great imagination so it’s easy to drift from reality time to time. 

I’m not as upset with myself. I still hate myself but I’m trying to handle it better. I’ve been reading a lot of books, writing my stories and drawing again. It’s helping. I feel good about myself when I’m writing my stories and drawing. I can see myself improving. It’s nice to feel good at something. 

Especially since I haven’t felt excited for anything lately. I haven’t been speaking to my friends as much. Whether that is just through lack of conversation or they have finally seen how much of a loser I am and decided to ditch me I don’t know. It’s comic con this weekend too. I have probably the best cosplay I have ever had. I’m still not excited. Because something will probably go wrong. Or I’ll just look terrible as usual. 

I have 3 main stories. With 2 being linked and set in the same universe only 300 years apart. I live through them sometimes. Strong protagonists go on wild adventures, make interesting friends and usually are noticed and loved by many. Most of my stories come from dreams. With me being the protagonist and people I know being in it too. If I think it’s good I write it down. Change the characters to suit the story. Then I build from there.

 I believe writers base a lot of there stories and things within them off their own lives and people they know. Frankly one of my protagonists is what I wish I was. Strong, smart, respected by many, looked up too and beautiful. I like to escape into my fantasies. I create stories with depth, character development and interesting tales. It makes me happy. Because I know I’m good at something. 

I think I am being creative again because it makes me happy. Embarrassed because I hope people don’t think I’m being stupid. But happy nonetheless. It feels good to feel good about myself. 

Slowly I am opening up to the concept of loving myself and likening who I am. I know now that no one cares about me. (Except for my family of course) So I should care about myself and make myself feel good. I think I’m really imaginative and great at creating stories! 

And you know what? It feels really good to like something about myself! I haven’t felt pride like this in a while. Hopefully this feeling grows because it would be nice to be happy in reality and not just in my fantasies. 

Downpour to drizzle 

I have been low. Very low. So low in fact that if I sunk any further I would probably disappear. I haven’t been this bad in a while. Never cried this much. I’ve felt nothing and everything at once. It’s like I have a storm cloud above my head. 

I’m starting to feel less low. My mood is rising and the storm is calming. I’ve got my first therapy appointment booked and I’m starting to feel slightly excited for university. I have no idea where the huge build up of fear and worry has come. Maybe I’m just feeling this burst of life because I am at the end, it’s too late to back out so I might as well roll with it. Like in fantasy films, where a character is going to die anyway so they fight to the death. 

Anyway, I think this storm has passed now. Things aren’t great. But they aren’t as bad. It will be nice to talk to someone about my problems. Even if the room will be flooded with my tears and depressing vibe. I’m getting back up again. Walking down my road. Off to whatever the future holds. (Probably a lotta tears but whatever). 

I need to start helping myself. Talking to a therapist can only do so much. I need to create goodness within me while people are helping with the goodness outside. I am trying to love myself. There’s not much to love but I’m working on it. I’m trying to be chill more which is hard when inside I’m constantly a flame with stress and tension. With the whole OCD touching thing. I will try to think rationally. But being honest I still don’t think the things I have a problem with are a problem. My reaction to them however. Is bad. 

I need to realise I have support and love around me. My family and a therapist will help. Maybe I will finally help myself instead of bottling up my feelings. I have friends I could speak to. But they only know so much, there’s things I can’t tell them and things I don’t want them to know. I don’t want to burden them with my weakness. 

Either way I guess this blog post is just saying that I’ll get back up again. I’m back and ready to try. You know what they say, you can’t have a rainbow without a little rain. 

Purple Skies 

I have felt a lot of love recently, not because it was near Valentine’s Day but because of my family. I went out the other day and on the bus home I watched the sky as my siblings sleepily sat next to me.

I watched the peach and blue sky. It was a strange combination of colours. But I felt a combination of feelings at the time. I felt pretty peachy. After having a fun day out with my bro and sis, spending most of it laughing and messing about in shops I was happier than usual. But ami also felt pretty blue. Times like this (and excuse me for being an overly emotional person) I think about how much I love my family. My siblings may be annoying sometimes but they are my best friends.

Maybe this is just my inner English student but I was feeling a lot of pathetic fallacy on the my ride home. The sky had changed again to a purple and violet sky. It matches my mood at least. I felt a bit down but calm. I’m really going to miss them being around all the time. Our daily chats, weekly adventures and all year round jokes.

I felt calm however. I feel calm because even though I am moving out they will always be there. Thanks to tech and weekend sleepovers. But at the same time they are only a call away. Family are like stars I guess. You don’t always see them but they are always there.

This has to be my most colourful ramble yet

Raindrop stars 

The sound of droplets hitting the wide open window and the smell of rain never fail to calm me. With the lamppost being close to my room every raindrop looks like a star on the window. Each one twinkling in the lamp post light. I can hear my family breathing or snoring in there sleep around the house. 

Things like this. I will miss this. Just the feeling of being at home. The warmth of the house and the cold of the outside. The feeling that I am completely safe and that this is where I belong. The feeling that no matter how bad my day is I can come home to the people that love me. 

Being with family or even just people you love can make the world seem like a prettier place. A simple storm and open window become a night sky full of glistening droplet stars. 

Just being in a house full of love can make everything better. 

The Wait

It’s finally gone. Good riddance. I have sent my UCAS and now my future is in fates hands. (Fate being the university admission staff). I feel both relieved and nervous. Relieved that I no longer have to make a personal statement about myself. Because no matter what way I read it I still cringe. But I’m nervous because it’s opening my eyes to university being real. 

That probably sounds dumb. But in my gap year it has felt like a dream. I have worked and done the odd media related thing (like creating a personal blog the throw up my thoughts into) but I have had no rush. No schedule. No having to wake early and get work done in time. It’s weird breaking from the 13 years education I have been in and I believe it has made me like education more. When you have spent your life basing your worth on a grade it makes you feel quite dumb when you are no longer being graded. 

I don’t miss the stress. Or the boring parts. But I do miss having that schedule. Because being completely free to do what I please is fun but I have no urgency, not much of a will to live at times either. I miss that I guess.