Trapped in the mind frozen in place

I’m having a bad night.

I’ve had sleep paralysis again. It was pretty bad this time, I was having a nightmare at the same time. I could barely breathe I thought I was being strangled, I couldn’t make any sound and none of my muscles would work. In between trying to wake up, move and shout something was underneath my desk staring at me inching closer. I had a dream inside a dream inside a dream. It was horrible. I thought I had finally woke up but it was still the dream. Each time I woke up something was different. My blanket covered my face, the shadow creature was next to me, something pressed down on my chest and music was playing one time. But the worst part was when I managed to get up out of bed run over to the light switch, finally thinking I was awake only to turn back straight into the shadow and wake in the dream again. All this in between me actually opening my eyes trying to escape the dream.

I was shaking afterwards. I slapped my the sides of my face and scratched my arm to see if I was actually awake this time. I put my slippers on and jacket and have been sat in the kitchen with a few of my nocturnal flat mates. I don’t know whether they like me or are civil, but sitting with them made me feel calm and happy.

I’m okay now. Too stressed and if I’m honest, too scared to go back asleep. So I’m going to watch some Disney films until I am sleepy. This was only a bad night however. I have been doing great with my mental stuff. I guess that’s why I feel so annoyed that this is happened.

It has happened before, usually when I’m really anxious. I hate it so much. I hate feeling trapped in my own body unable to breathe. This post is a mess.


Putting up a fight

Ugghhhhhhhhhhhhhh… Why is it. That as soon as I feel like I’m doing pretty good. My issues and insecurities come and punch me in the gut? 

I’ll be honest. I’ve had worse lows. This isn’t actually too bad. Because while my depression and anxiety is trying to knock me down I’m punching back. Two things are hitting me. On the left fist is extreme lack of motivation and on the right is my very strong self hatred. 

The motivation thing isn’t too bad. I just need to get my ass in gear. Plus fear of failure usually kicks in with the pressure and I get it done. Self hatred however. Damn. It’s like a wall that occasionally jumps in front of me on my road to nowhere. It’s a large strong wall. Covered in rotting vines. It’s my worst enemy. 

I have tried fighting it in little ways. Like accepting my flaws and giving up things. Like hey, yea, so what I’m pretty ugly, my body is gross and my personality is rotten. (I’m preeetty aware this an unhealthy way to deal with it. But it works). The better way I’ve been dealing with it is accepting little things about myself and learning to like them. I’m pretty okay at drawing. My imagination and stories I make are the best and amazing. Still trying to find good things about my appearance.

I guess I’m still finding my way with these things. I’m getting better! But right now my core feels like a black hole and I kinda want to cry because, shit I hate myself so much it’s ridiculous. But I’m rolling with these punches and fighting back. 

2018? I’m fighting full force. It’s my year. The year I learn to love myself and kill my depression. 

Home for Christmas 

I did it. I made it through my first semester of university just 5 more till I finish it. Sure I have some assignments but it’s Christmas! They can wait. 

These past few months have been wobbly but I think I’m getting the hang of being a functioning human being. With university I thought by now I’d be a failure or dead. But I’m doing pretty good! I’m getting top grades and high marks for all of my modules! Which is so amazing and uplifting considering I spent my gap year think I was completely stupid and worthless! The workload is stressful but I’m getting used to it! 

Uni life itself has been easy to get used to. I love being at home and I love my family but the independence and adventure of university is so great. I go on adventurous  and funny quests with my best BOI (n fellow writer) and have late night chats about our stories n life. I have a couple of friends on my course they are lovely too! But I’m happy I  have been able to see my college friends recently I missed them. 

With my OCD, anxiety and depression I think I’m getting better. My therapy has finally started after months of waiting. I’ll admit I’ve had my lows but I’m getting better at dealing with it all. I’m stopping the downward spiral thoughts of self hate and depression and learning that, hey, maybe I’m not so bad? 

I’m really proud of how far I’ve come from the start of uni where The Wednesday™ and multiple breakdowns and bad days occurred. To being pretty good at my work, having adventures, fighting my mental health and starting to enjoy life. 

Now I’m sat snug with the Christmas lights and tree on. In a house full of my favourite people (and cats) on Christmas Eve eve. I feel really happy to be home for Christmas. 


Living at university is weird. At the same time as feeling I have two homes it also feels like I have none. To add to that I’m drowning in work as well. 

When I’m at home I feel more like a visitor or guest. I love being at home with my family but I don’t feel like I can talk to them about my problems that much at the moment. I don’t know why. There’s nothing wrong with my family. I can talk to my mum though. Then at university while my room feels like the closest thing to my space it also feels horribly claustrophobic. Sometimes incredibly lonely. I miss my family being around. Me and my fave boii have came up with a code to help each other escape from our cabin fever and go on a walk, which helps. 

This probably sounds stupid. I’m really stressed lately. Most students are. With deadlines coming up fast and my motivation dropping faster. My back, neck and shoulders are in constant pain from being so tense. I’m getting migraines and nose bleeds. Which is nice. Reminds me of GCSE and A levels if I’m being honest. I have left exams with a clump of blood covered tissues thanks to stress and a shitty nose. It’s just a lot. I don’t want to fail. But I’m scared I might. I don’t think I’m good enough and I can’t get any motivation at the moment. But I’m trying to drag myself through. 

This has just been a shit ramble. Plus I’m probably overtired, overdramatic and overthinking. Plus I kinda suck. 

It’s Getting Better

I’ve got a lot to say. It’s a whole bucket full of updates. It’s been a while since I have posted on here. Things have been tough but I’m ok. Things are getting better! 

University life is hectic and fun but I’ve gotten used to it. Even if it takes me a day to find the motivation to do work then procrastinate till I fall asleep. It’s miracle. But I’m getting good grades!! I’ve been getting too marks for my story writing and planning. I have got As in digital communications. Shocking. Specially because I have literally no idea what’s going on in that class. Before reading week I also did a seminar group presentation! I swear it was terrifying. I had an anxiety attack over it. But with a lil dutch courage and no choice I did it! We were 2 marks off 100! I don’t know what I’m doing but it’s working. 

With my mental fuckups. I’m doing better. After ages of waiting my therapy has finally started. My depression knocks me down somedays but that’s okay. I brush my self off and keep going. My OCD isn’t too bad. It’s kicked off recently when people have been in my room. The other week a couple of friends were in there. Nothing was wrong. It was fun and friendly. But after they left I had a panic attack. I’m learning how to deal with it. My flatmates are pretty good too. They kinda know not to touch my things or dishes. I hope I don’t annoy them. But I really appreciate them respecting my space. Anxiety sucks. But it’s okay. 

Self hatred isn’t getting me down as much. I’ve found that accepting I’m shit in every aspect has helped me to care less. I’ve also decided it’s not going to stop me living. Yeah I suck. But we’re all dying. Fast. So I’m not gonna let my hate stop me from living. I can work on things I dislike. Maybe learn to love myself. But I’m going to enjoy living no matter what. 

I’ll admit. A few things have popped up. Recently. Some things I can do nothing to help. Some issues that are gonna take time. But that’s okay. 

This was a big ramble of useless information. But yeah. Life is getting better and I’m growing and bettering myself too 🙂

Pink skies and revolving doors 

I’ve settled into uni life quickly. It’s almost like a dream or the Shining. I feel like I’ve always been here or at least been here for a while. The routine is back, the stress is constant and my head mates are trying to get me down again. 

I’m not too down now. Yesterday my depression was pretty bad. It grabbed my legs and dragged me into an abyss of loneliness and self hatred. I felt awful. Like there was wind gushing at me but I was stood still even though I wanted to move. Cried for a bit, did some mindfulness meditation that a councillor said would help. It calmed me down. Afterwards my breathing went odd and I was shaking and I felt dizzy. But after sobbing for a bit I washed my face and calmed down. Hugging my teddies helps. As childish as that sounds. I guess it’s because I miss human contact or feeling loved. Or even liked.

Today I feel anxious. I’m guessing this an after effect of yesterday. My whole flat went out to a party and they had tea together tonight. I didn’t go yesterday after my depressing fiasco and I’ve been ill lately too. I nearly had tea with everyone but backed out. I hope my flatmates don’t hate me. There nice. They always ask if I’m coming out with them or joint then in flat stuff. Even when I can’t just knowing I was wanted is enough. 

Even though I have had a hard time recently I’m doing okay at university. I have a routine, it gets repetitive and sometimes claustrophobic but it’s okay. I’m doing okay with the work. I’m getting good grades. Shocking I know. But I’m functioning. I go shopping, I wash my clothes, me and my friend go on weekly adventures. She’s a really good egg. 

It’s a beautiful place here. Most mornings and nights the sky is pink. The beauty of this place distracts me from the stress. The adventures, talking to friends and family and doing things I enjoy are helping. 

 But pinks skies aren’t always a good sign. They say pink sky at night sailors delight, pink sky in the morning sailors warning. A pink sky can foreshadow that a storm is coming or a nice day. 

I’m in a pink sky state. Unsure of whether I’m heading into a storm or a beautiful day.  Either way. I hope will be able to fight through it. 

Constant confusion 

It seems like just as I start to get the hang of university life, I trip up. I’m currently lying in bed with a tension headache or migraine, stressed and a mess. It’s aching from being in constant “I don’t understand” state. 

My road to nowhere has been very hilly lately. University has brought me ups and downs. It’s levelling out now that we are doing courses and I’m busy. But I still keep tripping up. I keep getting so confused about readings? I’m pretty sure I’m doing everything wrong. Being honest I don’t feel smart enough to be here. 

I have missed this stress in a sense. From going to doing nothing constantly to being busy all the time makes me feel more alive I guess. And tired. I’m so tired all the time. I’m getting used to the walking and I’m getting used to the work. But it’s exhausting. 

I never know what I’m doing. If I’m doing it right? Is the work good enough? Is my all good enough?? I’m so confused about the readings and some of the work. I don’t want to bombard people with questions or seem dumb but I’m really stuck. 

This was a pretty lame post. But I’m so tired and I’m pretty sure my head is about to explode. 

High and really low 

This is my first post at university. Needless to say this first week has been a mess. A scary exciting slow mess. But I’m starting to get the hang of it. 

So my first day. If you read my last post it was obvious that I was terrified. My mum came with me and while it was fun being with her and getting all of my stuff and decorating my room. I thought I couldn’t handle it alone. I don’t think I have cried so much in one day. I went to bed with a red sore cheeks and tired bloodshot eyes. My mum didn’t leave until 5pm. Once she left I cried some more. But I went out with my flat mates and got to know them. I didn’t sleep that night. 

My second day was low but not as bad. I cried when I woke up I didn’t know what to do with myself. But I got through the day. I have to say I feel blessed that I have such nice flat mates. They are all so friendly and chill it really puts my anxiety at ease. I cried some more before bed. 

I also spoke to the warden of my flats. She is really nice and had been at uni for 3 years and is a total pro. She told me about the student support plan? That I can get help while I’m at uni and that it might put my depression at ease. So I have signed up to that. 

Monday and Tuesday were a blur of making friends and learning about my school! It’s been fun! I thought I was finally doing well! But obviously I would wreck everything for myself. 

Wednesday was awful. Just everything kept going wrong. That night I drank to much and ended up having a break down. I was so drunk. I cried my heart out. I kept calling the wardens angels and good eggs (they come to fuckups like me when we are having a sitch) I kept telling people I was related to pirates? ( must’ve been all the rum I drank) I told them that these mental illnesses are killing me and I don’t want to die but if I could stop existing and my family would be okay I would. 

All in all it was an embarrassing, drunken tearful, wreck of a night. But yknow what. As ashamed of myself as I was. (And sick. Very sick) I don’t feel awful. I’m still embarrassed that I made a fool of myself. But who hasn’t! People have done worse things when drunk. All I did was cry. So I’m not going to let my self hate get the best of me. People mess up. People do dumb things when drunk. To er is human. I’m no exception. So yes I had a wreck of a Wednesday night and made a fool of myself. But I feel better after getting it out of my system. Quite literally. But I will learn from this and grow. 

Yesterday was a better day! I met with a mental health adviser at my university and we have sorted some things. Today my mum is visiting me and I am going to relax. 

This week has been rocky and had the worst lows and some pretty good highs. I’ve made a fool of myself and cried loads. But I have made loads of friends! My flat mates are great, my courses are interesting and awesome. After this week I feel slightly better. 

I have had worse years. 2014 scarred me. But I got through. So three years at university doing a course I love, thriving in independence and adventure. I think I can handle it. 

Who am I again? 

I’m not sure at the moment. This might just be my lack of sleep talking but I’m forgetting myself. 

I have spent quite a while slumped in my depression. Spending most days in the house in my pjs. Having little contact with friends. I don’t really do much unless I’m doing fun things with my family. But I have forgot myself. I don’t know what fashion style I have and I can’t remember how I speak to people. Listen I may be half asleep but even I know that this sounds, well it sounds extremely dumb. 

I guess this all links back to what I said in a older post. How different people bring out or heigthen aspects of yourself. But seeing as I have mainly been around myself and family. I should have met my ultimate self or something now? I guess I just got used to the facade of acting a certain way. 

It’s like how the Japanese say you have three faces. The first face, you show to the world. The second face, to your close friends and family. The third face, you never show anyone. It is the truest reflection of who you are. But I don’t know what the truest reflection of myself is? I used to. But I feel like that face has cracked. If I were to see it in the mirror it would be my body and a giant scribble where my face should be. 

I obviously have interests and opinions. But other than that I have forgotten what I’m like? I’m so used to being a hermit living in pastel pyjamas and spending their days playing on a DS or drawing. I have spent a lot of time with my family which has really helped me stay happy. I rarely see my friends. I hope they don’t think I’m purposely cutting them off. 

But yeah. This is a dumb post. I’m just thinking about how I can use university to reinvent myself. Get rid of the things I hate about myself and become who I want to be. The only thing is I don’t know who I am anymore. Or who I wanna be. I just feel like a blur of a person. 

This was stupid. I’m so tired it’s probably just that. I hope I find myself soon. 

Elysian wallflower 

I’ve always been a wallflower. I go unnoticed and I’m not really missed. It doesn’t bother me too much. Just somethings get me really upset. 

I guess I like attention but I wouldn’t say I’m an attention seeker. I just would like to be noticed once in a while. I guess that’s why I loved media in college so much. I was top of the class. Literally I got the highest grade and that’s because I worked the hardest. Sweat, blood and a lot of tears went into my work and it was noticed! People used to ask me for advice! My teacher would praise me. Not a lot because he was kinda serious and critical all the time (which helped me get an A in my coursework so fair enough). Also I have realised every media teacher I have met has come across mellow and dead inside. You can see why I find them so relatable and easy to speak too. 

But anyway. It just felt nice that someone noticed how hard I worked. How I had been that stressed I had messed up my health. I wasn’t sleeping well and I cried a lot. Because I wanted and needed to do so well. It’s weird but because I was so good I’m scared of what I’m going to be at university. I feel like I have to be one of the best. In my other classes I still worked hard. I wasn’t really noticed for it though. I wasn’t really noticed in a lot of things. 

I think over time I’ve just came to except that I’m a wallflower. I don’t really stand out. I’m not that special. I’d say I’m funny and have a really good imagination but that’s about it. It used to really upset me. How I was never the one that everyone wanted to be like or be friends with. I was never the one people praised for hard work. I didn’t really stand out to anyone no matter how hard I tried. 

That used to upset me. But lately I have been trying to change how I think. Try to be more optimistic. I think I’m a hidden gem. I go unnoticed and I don’t really stand out, but when I am noticed people see how special I really am. They see that I am an extremely loyal and caring friend. They see that I have an amazing imagination and have being drawing and writing stories since I could. They see that I’m really good and motivated in work I care about. 

I’ve finally accepted that I’m a wallflower. Because no one said the wallflower can’t be beautiful. And it’s time I started seeing myself as such. Just because I’m not noticed by everyone doesn’t mean I can’t notice how great I truly am! This has got to be the first time in years I have allowed myself to feel good about who I am. It feels nice and light!