Constant confusion 

It seems like just as I start to get the hang of university life, I trip up. I’m currently lying in bed with a tension headache or migraine, stressed and a mess. It’s aching from being in constant “I don’t understand” state. 

My road to nowhere has been very hilly lately. University has brought me ups and downs. It’s levelling out now that we are doing courses and I’m busy. But I still keep tripping up. I keep getting so confused about readings? I’m pretty sure I’m doing everything wrong. Being honest I don’t feel smart enough to be here. 

I have missed this stress in a sense. From going to doing nothing constantly to being busy all the time makes me feel more alive I guess. And tired. I’m so tired all the time. I’m getting used to the walking and I’m getting used to the work. But it’s exhausting. 

I never know what I’m doing. If I’m doing it right? Is the work good enough? Is my all good enough?? I’m so confused about the readings and some of the work. I don’t want to bombard people with questions or seem dumb but I’m really stuck. 

This was a pretty lame post. But I’m so tired and I’m pretty sure my head is about to explode. 

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High and really low 

This is my first post at university. Needless to say this first week has been a mess. A scary exciting slow mess. But I’m starting to get the hang of it. 

So my first day. If you read my last post it was obvious that I was terrified. My mum came with me and while it was fun being with her and getting all of my stuff and decorating my room. I thought I couldn’t handle it alone. I don’t think I have cried so much in one day. I went to bed with a red sore cheeks and tired bloodshot eyes. My mum didn’t leave until 5pm. Once she left I cried some more. But I went out with my flat mates and got to know them. I didn’t sleep that night. 

My second day was low but not as bad. I cried when I woke up I didn’t know what to do with myself. But I got through the day. I have to say I feel blessed that I have such nice flat mates. They are all so friendly and chill it really puts my anxiety at ease. I cried some more before bed. 

I also spoke to the warden of my flats. She is really nice and had been at uni for 3 years and is a total pro. She told me about the student support plan? That I can get help while I’m at uni and that it might put my depression at ease. So I have signed up to that. 

Monday and Tuesday were a blur of making friends and learning about my school! It’s been fun! I thought I was finally doing well! But obviously I would wreck everything for myself. 

Wednesday was awful. Just everything kept going wrong. That night I drank to much and ended up having a break down. I was so drunk. I cried my heart out. I kept calling the wardens angels and good eggs (they come to fuckups like me when we are having a sitch) I kept telling people I was related to pirates? ( must’ve been all the rum I drank) I told them that these mental illnesses are killing me and I don’t want to die but if I could stop existing and my family would be okay I would. 

All in all it was an embarrassing, drunken tearful, wreck of a night. But yknow what. As ashamed of myself as I was. (And sick. Very sick) I don’t feel awful. I’m still embarrassed that I made a fool of myself. But who hasn’t! People have done worse things when drunk. All I did was cry. So I’m not going to let my self hate get the best of me. People mess up. People do dumb things when drunk. To er is human. I’m no exception. So yes I had a wreck of a Wednesday night and made a fool of myself. But I feel better after getting it out of my system. Quite literally. But I will learn from this and grow. 

Yesterday was a better day! I met with a mental health adviser at my university and we have sorted some things. Today my mum is visiting me and I am going to relax. 

This week has been rocky and had the worst lows and some pretty good highs. I’ve made a fool of myself and cried loads. But I have made loads of friends! My flat mates are great, my courses are interesting and awesome. After this week I feel slightly better. 

I have had worse years. 2014 scarred me. But I got through. So three years at university doing a course I love, thriving in independence and adventure. I think I can handle it. 

Who am I again? 

I’m not sure at the moment. This might just be my lack of sleep talking but I’m forgetting myself. 

I have spent quite a while slumped in my depression. Spending most days in the house in my pjs. Having little contact with friends. I don’t really do much unless I’m doing fun things with my family. But I have forgot myself. I don’t know what fashion style I have and I can’t remember how I speak to people. Listen I may be half asleep but even I know that this sounds, well it sounds extremely dumb. 

I guess this all links back to what I said in a older post. How different people bring out or heigthen aspects of yourself. But seeing as I have mainly been around myself and family. I should have met my ultimate self or something now? I guess I just got used to the facade of acting a certain way. 

It’s like how the Japanese say you have three faces. The first face, you show to the world. The second face, to your close friends and family. The third face, you never show anyone. It is the truest reflection of who you are. But I don’t know what the truest reflection of myself is? I used to. But I feel like that face has cracked. If I were to see it in the mirror it would be my body and a giant scribble where my face should be. 

I obviously have interests and opinions. But other than that I have forgotten what I’m like? I’m so used to being a hermit living in pastel pyjamas and spending their days playing on a DS or drawing. I have spent a lot of time with my family which has really helped me stay happy. I rarely see my friends. I hope they don’t think I’m purposely cutting them off. 

But yeah. This is a dumb post. I’m just thinking about how I can use university to reinvent myself. Get rid of the things I hate about myself and become who I want to be. The only thing is I don’t know who I am anymore. Or who I wanna be. I just feel like a blur of a person. 

This was stupid. I’m so tired it’s probably just that. I hope I find myself soon. 

Elysian wallflower 

I’ve always been a wallflower. I go unnoticed and I’m not really missed. It doesn’t bother me too much. Just somethings get me really upset. 

I guess I like attention but I wouldn’t say I’m an attention seeker. I just would like to be noticed once in a while. I guess that’s why I loved media in college so much. I was top of the class. Literally I got the highest grade and that’s because I worked the hardest. Sweat, blood and a lot of tears went into my work and it was noticed! People used to ask me for advice! My teacher would praise me. Not a lot because he was kinda serious and critical all the time (which helped me get an A in my coursework so fair enough). Also I have realised every media teacher I have met has come across mellow and dead inside. You can see why I find them so relatable and easy to speak too. 

But anyway. It just felt nice that someone noticed how hard I worked. How I had been that stressed I had messed up my health. I wasn’t sleeping well and I cried a lot. Because I wanted and needed to do so well. It’s weird but because I was so good I’m scared of what I’m going to be at university. I feel like I have to be one of the best. In my other classes I still worked hard. I wasn’t really noticed for it though. I wasn’t really noticed in a lot of things. 

I think over time I’ve just came to except that I’m a wallflower. I don’t really stand out. I’m not that special. I’d say I’m funny and have a really good imagination but that’s about it. It used to really upset me. How I was never the one that everyone wanted to be like or be friends with. I was never the one people praised for hard work. I didn’t really stand out to anyone no matter how hard I tried. 

That used to upset me. But lately I have been trying to change how I think. Try to be more optimistic. I think I’m a hidden gem. I go unnoticed and I don’t really stand out, but when I am noticed people see how special I really am. They see that I am an extremely loyal and caring friend. They see that I have an amazing imagination and have being drawing and writing stories since I could. They see that I’m really good and motivated in work I care about. 

I’ve finally accepted that I’m a wallflower. Because no one said the wallflower can’t be beautiful. And it’s time I started seeing myself as such. Just because I’m not noticed by everyone doesn’t mean I can’t notice how great I truly am! This has got to be the first time in years I have allowed myself to feel good about who I am. It feels nice and light! 

A good egg

I’m affectionate. Loving. Some would say over emotional and sometimes I feel a lot in one go.

I have been thinking a lot. Like usual. And maybe it’s because it’s my favourite time of the year, or because with the weather getting warmer my icy heart is staring to thaw. But I realised I have some great friends. A real bunch of good eggs.

Through each stage of your life you make different friends and with that there is a different version of yourself with each friend group. It’s still you just some people bring out different parts about you. From wanting to look like a living doll to becoming a meme.

But I have gotten back in touch with old friends and I’m staying strong with my newer friends. I find it hard to make friends. Either because of the fact I am completely incapable of speaking to people without stuttering or over sharing or just because I don’t like people. But when I make friends? Whoo boy. Do I love them with all my heart? Yes. Would I kill for them? Probably. Will I pray that we stay friends forever like a five year old? Most likely.

But the people I met at college are probably the best people I have ever met. Different. In friend groups it’s easy for people to be alike but they are so individual and beautiful in their own way. And they get me. Like me for me. I don’t have to change myself around them. I’m pretty sure I was going to make a point with this blog post. But now I’m just gushing on how I love my friends.

I mean you know they are good when they listen to your puns and don’t leave you!

I mean it’s a start?

If you have been readin my posts (god knows why) you would see that I have been sat in a metaphorical ditch. One of those ditches that get deeper as you try to climb out. But I have finally dragged myself out of it. 

After feeling bad for a while and not really doing anything. Ever. I have started being productive again! I have been excepted in my first choice university! I’m even visiting them soon, checking out the nearby student studios and getting to know the city around it. I also got a job again! I have worked at this place before so I’m happy to be going back! (Also I’m very thrilled to have money again. For a spendthrift I’m pretty poor) 

Even though there is a part of me that is pretty much ready to sleep for a thousand years I’m excited to be productive and maybe sort my life out! Now that I only have to pick my accommodation I’m really excited about university too! Probably a good idea to start going over all of my media stuff so I turn up like a pro. Hopefully that ditch was the only one on my road to nowhere. (Probably not)

Purple Skies 

I have felt a lot of love recently, not because it was near Valentine’s Day but because of my family. I went out the other day and on the bus home I watched the sky as my siblings sleepily sat next to me.

I watched the peach and blue sky. It was a strange combination of colours. But I felt a combination of feelings at the time. I felt pretty peachy. After having a fun day out with my bro and sis, spending most of it laughing and messing about in shops I was happier than usual. But ami also felt pretty blue. Times like this (and excuse me for being an overly emotional person) I think about how much I love my family. My siblings may be annoying sometimes but they are my best friends.

Maybe this is just my inner English student but I was feeling a lot of pathetic fallacy on the my ride home. The sky had changed again to a purple and violet sky. It matches my mood at least. I felt a bit down but calm. I’m really going to miss them being around all the time. Our daily chats, weekly adventures and all year round jokes.

I felt calm however. I feel calm because even though I am moving out they will always be there. Thanks to tech and weekend sleepovers. But at the same time they are only a call away. Family are like stars I guess. You don’t always see them but they are always there.

This has to be my most colourful ramble yet

Not my greatest moment 

So here is a pro tip on how to not be a fool. I worked in retail and I was behind the till. And they have those magnets to get the security tags off. I was bored. I fidget a lot. The shop was dead. So I thought ‘Gee wiz! I wonder how strong these magnets are’. 

With a penny I was sticking it too the magnet and then I dropped it in the centre.let me tell you these magnets are strong. I then was stood with both hands using all my strength to try and pull it out. I’m talking full strength.

 Some guy walks past so I stand with both of my hands over it smiling. You know. Because that doesn’t look suspicious or weird. I had to use scissors to like pick it out. Then for no reason other than being the awkward person I am, I look up directly at the camera which has been on me the whole time (with my boss in the office probably watching) and shrug smiling. 

So as I said. My tip is don’t do that. 

Изучение русского языка

 So I have started learning Russian. I’m slowly walking along my road to nowhere and I thought ‘hey, seeing as I want to better myself and learn new things I should learn a language’. I have always wanted to be savvy in the “switching between languages like a spy” department. Plus it was a good idea which I have lots of. (Heelies in the workplace will still be effective in my eyes).

Originally I was going to learn Japanese but then decided to do something that wouldn’t be my obvious choice. So I chose Russian. It’s always been a favourite country of mine, it’s interesting and the language itself sounds pretty awesome. 

This kinda kicked off some motivational dominoes in my life. I feel more accomplished. I’m going out more. I’m excited about my life again. I’m healthier. I’m actually preparing myself for uni rather than lying on the couch in my pjs procrastinating being alive. It’s nice that I’m jogging along my road to nowhere and I’m starting to enjoy the trip. 

The Wait

It’s finally gone. Good riddance. I have sent my UCAS and now my future is in fates hands. (Fate being the university admission staff). I feel both relieved and nervous. Relieved that I no longer have to make a personal statement about myself. Because no matter what way I read it I still cringe. But I’m nervous because it’s opening my eyes to university being real. 

That probably sounds dumb. But in my gap year it has felt like a dream. I have worked and done the odd media related thing (like creating a personal blog the throw up my thoughts into) but I have had no rush. No schedule. No having to wake early and get work done in time. It’s weird breaking from the 13 years education I have been in and I believe it has made me like education more. When you have spent your life basing your worth on a grade it makes you feel quite dumb when you are no longer being graded. 

I don’t miss the stress. Or the boring parts. But I do miss having that schedule. Because being completely free to do what I please is fun but I have no urgency, not much of a will to live at times either. I miss that I guess.