What’s wrong with me?

So the other day, I had my first therapy session. It was awkward and personal. But I finally found out what’s wrong with me. My pessimistic nature helped when the therapist told me I have OCD anxiety and  depression. 

I want to say I was shocked. That I was amazed I had this problem. But I’ve been like this for so long no bad news surprises me.  On the plus side I’m getting therapy and help now. It’ll be nice to speak to someone who has no connection to me or my life. I hope they can help me. I’m so sick of feeling like this. 

I haven’t been sleeping well in forever. I’m currently awake diving into my cocoon of self hatred and analysis. I get too deep in myself and I just lie here. Lost and suffocating in my thoughts. I can’t think straight. I wish I could stop thinking. 

Sorry this was a short post. I just wanted to get this off my chest in a way. 

Everlasting storm

I’m defeated, discouraged and disheartened. I’m so angry. I can’t move. My days are timeless lonely nothingness. I have no routine and other than the scream of university I have nothing. I’m so fucking alone and sad constantly. I have no motivation to do anything. I feel like I am dead. 

I am trying to change things. The other day I went to the doctors to seek help for my problems. I cried. It was really hard to tell someone about it. To sit with someone who doesn’t know and just say how I hate myself so much and feel like I’m never going to amount to anything. How I am constantly on the verge of crying and just want to do nothing even though that makes it worse. I don’t find anything fun anymore. It’s just a way to pass the time so I can go to bed. How I have huge problem with people touching me or things. I have to wash my hands constantly. I have to clean my face all the time. People touching me makes me cry and want to have a shower. I just feel so shit. I feel like I’m lying in my grave just waiting to die. 

My mum came with me to the appointment. I love my mum she is being really supportive through all of this. (Wish I could say the same about the rest of my fam. They just think I’m being silly with my touching and cleanliness stuff. They pull faces and moan. It makes me uncomfortable and guilty. But whatever.) She is the person I go to for all my help. She held my hand and helped me explain. I’m gonna be getting therapy for a while. So that will hopefully help. 

I just feel so sad. I just wanna cry and hug someone. I’m so scared of the future. I’m so tired of my life now. I’m not alone but I feel so lonely. I hate being in my house because I’m always there with nothing to do but sit and think. I have no motivation to do anything. My mind is just a mess. A storm and with every crack of thunder and crash of lightning the rain is getting heavier. I cry so much it’s pathetic. 

I hope tomorrow is a nice day so I can sit out side. I hope the sun comes out soon. 

A pathetic apathetic 

Pathetic. That’s me! I’m that much of a loser it’s almost laughable. 

I either feel too much or nothing. I am constantly on the verge of crying and I hate myself. I can’t stand people touching me or getting in my personal space. Or even coming near my things. 

These problems I have have and are still getting worse. I hate myself so much I find it hard to look at myself. I’m just so prepared for failure that I feel no excitement to my future. I have spent days just lying in the same spot doing nothing. I just feel so rubbish. I have to wash my hands after touching things or keep them away from me till I can. I just feel like my life is going nowhere. 

I keep panicking because I know I’m wasting my life but I don’t have the motivation to be alive. All that my life will be is the same as everyone’s. We work till we die to have the bare necessities. Each day more people dying over politics and stupid hatred. The planet is dying and soon I won’t be surprised if our children live in a dystopian land. 

Sorry. I’m digging to deep into things again. I just feel so bad lately. I feel empty and sad.  I don’t have anything to do and I can’t stop thinking about my problems. 

I don’t know. This is just a late night ramble field by self hate and the fact that I don’t want to cry.