Otherworldly escapist 

I’ve been trying to be happy lately. It’s kinda working. I ignore my bad thoughts or I’ve been distancing myself. I have a great imagination so it’s easy to drift from reality time to time. 

I’m not as upset with myself. I still hate myself but I’m trying to handle it better. I’ve been reading a lot of books, writing my stories and drawing again. It’s helping. I feel good about myself when I’m writing my stories and drawing. I can see myself improving. It’s nice to feel good at something. 

Especially since I haven’t felt excited for anything lately. I haven’t been speaking to my friends as much. Whether that is just through lack of conversation or they have finally seen how much of a loser I am and decided to ditch me I don’t know. It’s comic con this weekend too. I have probably the best cosplay I have ever had. I’m still not excited. Because something will probably go wrong. Or I’ll just look terrible as usual. 

I have 3 main stories. With 2 being linked and set in the same universe only 300 years apart. I live through them sometimes. Strong protagonists go on wild adventures, make interesting friends and usually are noticed and loved by many. Most of my stories come from dreams. With me being the protagonist and people I know being in it too. If I think it’s good I write it down. Change the characters to suit the story. Then I build from there.

 I believe writers base a lot of there stories and things within them off their own lives and people they know. Frankly one of my protagonists is what I wish I was. Strong, smart, respected by many, looked up too and beautiful. I like to escape into my fantasies. I create stories with depth, character development and interesting tales. It makes me happy. Because I know I’m good at something. 

I think I am being creative again because it makes me happy. Embarrassed because I hope people don’t think I’m being stupid. But happy nonetheless. It feels good to feel good about myself. 

Slowly I am opening up to the concept of loving myself and likening who I am. I know now that no one cares about me. (Except for my family of course) So I should care about myself and make myself feel good. I think I’m really imaginative and great at creating stories! 

And you know what? It feels really good to like something about myself! I haven’t felt pride like this in a while. Hopefully this feeling grows because it would be nice to be happy in reality and not just in my fantasies. 

The day we went to Bangor…

On the first weekend of April me and my family set out to stay in North Wales for the weekend to visit my 1st choice University and see all the things that will soon be a part of my life. It was both breathtaking and terrifying. 

So to start Bangor is a beautiful place. Tiny for a city. But as someone with no sense of direction I’m pretty glad about that. It’s also very hilly. I doubt there is any part that is not hill. (Again this is a plus because with all the walking my legs are gonna be great). It’s both near sea and countryside which is totally my aesthetic. There was a constant feeling of awe as I looked around my soon to be home. 

Bangor university itself is amazing. A great mixture of old and new. The clash of Bangor Unis main building (cleverly nicknamed Hogwarts) and the new Pontio centre makes it stand out. The library took my breath away. It’s grand, old and beautiful. One of the best I have seen.

 But the main part of the university I wanted to see was the School of Creative Studies and Media. It’s situated on a hill (shocking I know) quite close to the main buildings. The views from the building are amazing. But unfortunately in this building I was not so amazing. I guess the mix of excitement and fear for too much for me and I could feel myself blushing and stuttering. Every time I spoke part of me wished for death. Me being a complete fool aside the media course is so varied. 

As a indecisive person a course that offers such variety is perfect! Radio, film, journalism, game design and much more, all mine for the taking! I’m excited to be getting back into creating and learning! With my main favourite in media being radio I am planning to join the University radio! (Hopefully). The equipment there is pretty advance, definitely better than college. The scenery around holds a great places for short films or documentaries. I’m quite looking forward to journalism too, it’s pretty new to me but maybe I will follow in my families lead on being a journalist type presenter on the radio? Who knows? 

Being at Bangor and seeing the accommodation in real life made me realise some things too. Originally I was all for St Mary’s village. With the cool new studios, aesthetic layout and view of Bangor. However being there I realised 1. I could not and would not walk up and down ‘cardiac hill’ everyday. It’s too much. 2. I don’t want to be 20 minutes away from everything. 3. I’ve realised that as cool as the studios are I would be extremely lonely. Especially with it being in the edge of flats? So Ffriddoed looks like the best place to stay. With it being closer to my school, the shops, the nightlife and just to other people as well.

I left Bangor with a lot of mixed feelings. Excitement of all the adventures I’m going to go on, all the things I’m going to create and everything I’m going to learn. Embarrassment over how I got so nervous and shy. And fear. Fear of change, of the people I might live with, whether I’m going to fail. But I’m looking forward to new beginnings and I’m ready to give it my all. 

Ah well. Even if my feelings are mixed and my heads a mess. I can’t wait to start this adventure! 

A good egg

I’m affectionate. Loving. Some would say over emotional and sometimes I feel a lot in one go.

I have been thinking a lot. Like usual. And maybe it’s because it’s my favourite time of the year, or because with the weather getting warmer my icy heart is staring to thaw. But I realised I have some great friends. A real bunch of good eggs.

Through each stage of your life you make different friends and with that there is a different version of yourself with each friend group. It’s still you just some people bring out different parts about you. From wanting to look like a living doll to becoming a meme.

But I have gotten back in touch with old friends and I’m staying strong with my newer friends. I find it hard to make friends. Either because of the fact I am completely incapable of speaking to people without stuttering or over sharing or just because I don’t like people. But when I make friends? Whoo boy. Do I love them with all my heart? Yes. Would I kill for them? Probably. Will I pray that we stay friends forever like a five year old? Most likely.

But the people I met at college are probably the best people I have ever met. Different. In friend groups it’s easy for people to be alike but they are so individual and beautiful in their own way. And they get me. Like me for me. I don’t have to change myself around them. I’m pretty sure I was going to make a point with this blog post. But now I’m just gushing on how I love my friends.

I mean you know they are good when they listen to your puns and don’t leave you!

Purple Skies 

I have felt a lot of love recently, not because it was near Valentine’s Day but because of my family. I went out the other day and on the bus home I watched the sky as my siblings sleepily sat next to me.

I watched the peach and blue sky. It was a strange combination of colours. But I felt a combination of feelings at the time. I felt pretty peachy. After having a fun day out with my bro and sis, spending most of it laughing and messing about in shops I was happier than usual. But ami also felt pretty blue. Times like this (and excuse me for being an overly emotional person) I think about how much I love my family. My siblings may be annoying sometimes but they are my best friends.

Maybe this is just my inner English student but I was feeling a lot of pathetic fallacy on the my ride home. The sky had changed again to a purple and violet sky. It matches my mood at least. I felt a bit down but calm. I’m really going to miss them being around all the time. Our daily chats, weekly adventures and all year round jokes.

I felt calm however. I feel calm because even though I am moving out they will always be there. Thanks to tech and weekend sleepovers. But at the same time they are only a call away. Family are like stars I guess. You don’t always see them but they are always there.

This has to be my most colourful ramble yet

Not my greatest moment 

So here is a pro tip on how to not be a fool. I worked in retail and I was behind the till. And they have those magnets to get the security tags off. I was bored. I fidget a lot. The shop was dead. So I thought ‘Gee wiz! I wonder how strong these magnets are’. 

With a penny I was sticking it too the magnet and then I dropped it in the centre.let me tell you these magnets are strong. I then was stood with both hands using all my strength to try and pull it out. I’m talking full strength.

 Some guy walks past so I stand with both of my hands over it smiling. You know. Because that doesn’t look suspicious or weird. I had to use scissors to like pick it out. Then for no reason other than being the awkward person I am, I look up directly at the camera which has been on me the whole time (with my boss in the office probably watching) and shrug smiling. 

So as I said. My tip is don’t do that. 

Изучение русского языка

 So I have started learning Russian. I’m slowly walking along my road to nowhere and I thought ‘hey, seeing as I want to better myself and learn new things I should learn a language’. I have always wanted to be savvy in the “switching between languages like a spy” department. Plus it was a good idea which I have lots of. (Heelies in the workplace will still be effective in my eyes).

Originally I was going to learn Japanese but then decided to do something that wouldn’t be my obvious choice. So I chose Russian. It’s always been a favourite country of mine, it’s interesting and the language itself sounds pretty awesome. 

This kinda kicked off some motivational dominoes in my life. I feel more accomplished. I’m going out more. I’m excited about my life again. I’m healthier. I’m actually preparing myself for uni rather than lying on the couch in my pjs procrastinating being alive. It’s nice that I’m jogging along my road to nowhere and I’m starting to enjoy the trip. 

The Wait

It’s finally gone. Good riddance. I have sent my UCAS and now my future is in fates hands. (Fate being the university admission staff). I feel both relieved and nervous. Relieved that I no longer have to make a personal statement about myself. Because no matter what way I read it I still cringe. But I’m nervous because it’s opening my eyes to university being real. 

That probably sounds dumb. But in my gap year it has felt like a dream. I have worked and done the odd media related thing (like creating a personal blog the throw up my thoughts into) but I have had no rush. No schedule. No having to wake early and get work done in time. It’s weird breaking from the 13 years education I have been in and I believe it has made me like education more. When you have spent your life basing your worth on a grade it makes you feel quite dumb when you are no longer being graded. 

I don’t miss the stress. Or the boring parts. But I do miss having that schedule. Because being completely free to do what I please is fun but I have no urgency, not much of a will to live at times either. I miss that I guess. 

Sometimes I feel the universe is against me…

Making decisions is obviously hard when you are crazily indecisive.  For example I felt comfortable with the course I picked for university but then every other course seemed better and that the course wasn’t for me. I decided after months and months of thinking that I will be moving in to uni. But then suddenly my home feels warmer my family and I have the best Christmas we have ever had. I finally go to dye my hair but then back out because other colours look nice. Even little things leave me figuring out the pros and cons just so I will make a decision. 

Whenever I make up my mind something changes. Something happens for me to stop and get confused.  The only thing I am 100% on is that I am too indecisive for my own good.

Awkward. 

18. Awkward age really. Then again I have been awkward my whole life. This blog will probably be awkward. I like to think it’ll be funny. People laugh at me a lot so I must have some comedic flair to me. 

Everyone has a road in life. I have full control over my road. Where it’s going and what I am going to do. Not that I have any idea what I am doing. Any thoughts that I have or advice on how not to make a fool of yourself (advice from a professional fool I should say) will be thrown on here. I guess this is what this blog will be about. 

An awkward eighteen year old and her road to nowhere.