Ugghhhhhhhhhhhhhh… Why is it. That as soon as I feel like I’m doing pretty good. My issues and insecurities come and punch me in the gut?
I’ll be honest. I’ve had worse lows. This isn’t actually too bad. Because while my depression and anxiety is trying to knock me down I’m punching back. Two things are hitting me. On the left fist is extreme lack of motivation and on the right is my very strong self hatred.
The motivation thing isn’t too bad. I just need to get my ass in gear. Plus fear of failure usually kicks in with the pressure and I get it done. Self hatred however. Damn. It’s like a wall that occasionally jumps in front of me on my road to nowhere. It’s a large strong wall. Covered in rotting vines. It’s my worst enemy.
I have tried fighting it in little ways. Like accepting my flaws and giving up things. Like hey, yea, so what I’m pretty ugly, my body is gross and my personality is rotten. (I’m preeetty aware this an unhealthy way to deal with it. But it works). The better way I’ve been dealing with it is accepting little things about myself and learning to like them. I’m pretty okay at drawing. My imagination and stories I make are the best and amazing. Still trying to find good things about my appearance.
I guess I’m still finding my way with these things. I’m getting better! But right now my core feels like a black hole and I kinda want to cry because, shit I hate myself so much it’s ridiculous. But I’m rolling with these punches and fighting back.
2018? I’m fighting full force. It’s my year. The year I learn to love myself and kill my depression.
I did it. I made it through my first semester of university just 5 more till I finish it. Sure I have some assignments but it’s Christmas! They can wait.
These past few months have been wobbly but I think I’m getting the hang of being a functioning human being. With university I thought by now I’d be a failure or dead. But I’m doing pretty good! I’m getting top grades and high marks for all of my modules! Which is so amazing and uplifting considering I spent my gap year think I was completely stupid and worthless! The workload is stressful but I’m getting used to it!
Uni life itself has been easy to get used to. I love being at home and I love my family but the independence and adventure of university is so great. I go on adventurous and funny quests with my best BOI (n fellow writer) and have late night chats about our stories n life. I have a couple of friends on my course they are lovely too! But I’m happy I have been able to see my college friends recently I missed them.
With my OCD, anxiety and depression I think I’m getting better. My therapy has finally started after months of waiting. I’ll admit I’ve had my lows but I’m getting better at dealing with it all. I’m stopping the downward spiral thoughts of self hate and depression and learning that, hey, maybe I’m not so bad?
I’m really proud of how far I’ve come from the start of uni where The Wednesday™ and multiple breakdowns and bad days occurred. To being pretty good at my work, having adventures, fighting my mental health and starting to enjoy life.
Now I’m sat snug with the Christmas lights and tree on. In a house full of my favourite people (and cats) on Christmas Eve eve. I feel really happy to be home for Christmas.
I’ve been trying to be happy lately. It’s kinda working. I ignore my bad thoughts or I’ve been distancing myself. I have a great imagination so it’s easy to drift from reality time to time.
I’m not as upset with myself. I still hate myself but I’m trying to handle it better. I’ve been reading a lot of books, writing my stories and drawing again. It’s helping. I feel good about myself when I’m writing my stories and drawing. I can see myself improving. It’s nice to feel good at something.
Especially since I haven’t felt excited for anything lately. I haven’t been speaking to my friends as much. Whether that is just through lack of conversation or they have finally seen how much of a loser I am and decided to ditch me I don’t know. It’s comic con this weekend too. I have probably the best cosplay I have ever had. I’m still not excited. Because something will probably go wrong. Or I’ll just look terrible as usual.
I have 3 main stories. With 2 being linked and set in the same universe only 300 years apart. I live through them sometimes. Strong protagonists go on wild adventures, make interesting friends and usually are noticed and loved by many. Most of my stories come from dreams. With me being the protagonist and people I know being in it too. If I think it’s good I write it down. Change the characters to suit the story. Then I build from there.
I believe writers base a lot of there stories and things within them off their own lives and people they know. Frankly one of my protagonists is what I wish I was. Strong, smart, respected by many, looked up too and beautiful. I like to escape into my fantasies. I create stories with depth, character development and interesting tales. It makes me happy. Because I know I’m good at something.
I think I am being creative again because it makes me happy. Embarrassed because I hope people don’t think I’m being stupid. But happy nonetheless. It feels good to feel good about myself.
Slowly I am opening up to the concept of loving myself and likening who I am. I know now that no one cares about me. (Except for my family of course) So I should care about myself and make myself feel good. I think I’m really imaginative and great at creating stories!
And you know what? It feels really good to like something about myself! I haven’t felt pride like this in a while. Hopefully this feeling grows because it would be nice to be happy in reality and not just in my fantasies.
I’m affectionate. Loving. Some would say over emotional and sometimes I feel a lot in one go.
I have been thinking a lot. Like usual. And maybe it’s because it’s my favourite time of the year, or because with the weather getting warmer my icy heart is staring to thaw. But I realised I have some great friends. A real bunch of good eggs.
Through each stage of your life you make different friends and with that there is a different version of yourself with each friend group. It’s still you just some people bring out different parts about you. From wanting to look like a living doll to becoming a meme.
But I have gotten back in touch with old friends and I’m staying strong with my newer friends. I find it hard to make friends. Either because of the fact I am completely incapable of speaking to people without stuttering or over sharing or just because I don’t like people. But when I make friends? Whoo boy. Do I love them with all my heart? Yes. Would I kill for them? Probably. Will I pray that we stay friends forever like a five year old? Most likely.
But the people I met at college are probably the best people I have ever met. Different. In friend groups it’s easy for people to be alike but they are so individual and beautiful in their own way. And they get me. Like me for me. I don’t have to change myself around them. I’m pretty sure I was going to make a point with this blog post. But now I’m just gushing on how I love my friends.
I mean you know they are good when they listen to your puns and don’t leave you!
If you have been readin my posts (god knows why) you would see that I have been sat in a metaphorical ditch. One of those ditches that get deeper as you try to climb out. But I have finally dragged myself out of it.
After feeling bad for a while and not really doing anything. Ever. I have started being productive again! I have been excepted in my first choice university! I’m even visiting them soon, checking out the nearby student studios and getting to know the city around it. I also got a job again! I have worked at this place before so I’m happy to be going back! (Also I’m very thrilled to have money again. For a spendthrift I’m pretty poor)
Even though there is a part of me that is pretty much ready to sleep for a thousand years I’m excited to be productive and maybe sort my life out! Now that I only have to pick my accommodation I’m really excited about university too! Probably a good idea to start going over all of my media stuff so I turn up like a pro. Hopefully that ditch was the only one on my road to nowhere. (Probably not)
So here is a pro tip on how to not be a fool. I worked in retail and I was behind the till. And they have those magnets to get the security tags off. I was bored. I fidget a lot. The shop was dead. So I thought ‘Gee wiz! I wonder how strong these magnets are’.
With a penny I was sticking it too the magnet and then I dropped it in the centre.let me tell you these magnets are strong. I then was stood with both hands using all my strength to try and pull it out. I’m talking full strength.
Some guy walks past so I stand with both of my hands over it smiling. You know. Because that doesn’t look suspicious or weird. I had to use scissors to like pick it out. Then for no reason other than being the awkward person I am, I look up directly at the camera which has been on me the whole time (with my boss in the office probably watching) and shrug smiling.
So as I said. My tip is don’t do that.
2016. What a year right. So much has happened and usually I will be sad a bout waving goodbye to the old year. This time however I am throwing it into the bin. I have had worse years. 2014 likes to poke its horrid face into my memories occasionally. But 2017 I will start a new. I won’t bore you with the overused bable of losing weight, being healthy and the other New Year resolutions most people make.
For me it really is a new start. (With 17 being one of my favourite numbers I have high hopes, which is something in itself being as pessimistic as I). I have so many adventures I want to go on this year. I’m starting uni I’m going to different countries I’m going to meet new people. I am going to change myself entirely. To become the me I want to be.
Time to take the first step.
Making decisions is obviously hard when you are crazily indecisive. For example I felt comfortable with the course I picked for university but then every other course seemed better and that the course wasn’t for me. I decided after months and months of thinking that I will be moving in to uni. But then suddenly my home feels warmer my family and I have the best Christmas we have ever had. I finally go to dye my hair but then back out because other colours look nice. Even little things leave me figuring out the pros and cons just so I will make a decision.
Whenever I make up my mind something changes. Something happens for me to stop and get confused. The only thing I am 100% on is that I am too indecisive for my own good.
18. Awkward age really. Then again I have been awkward my whole life. This blog will probably be awkward. I like to think it’ll be funny. People laugh at me a lot so I must have some comedic flair to me.
Everyone has a road in life. I have full control over my road. Where it’s going and what I am going to do. Not that I have any idea what I am doing. Any thoughts that I have or advice on how not to make a fool of yourself (advice from a professional fool I should say) will be thrown on here.
I guess this is what this blog will be about.
An awkward eighteen year old and her road to nowhere.