On the run

University is coming closer every day. Thirty three days to be exact. I should really be getting ready for it. Buying things I need and packing. But I’ve been running away from this. 

Ever since I found out about my depression I have been trying to distract myself from life. I’m so scared about university. I’m scared of being alone with these problems. I’m having nightmares on what will happen in my first weeks. I still have the mindset of failure. So why try if I’m gonna fail. 

I’m worried about not understanding anything and being the dumbest in class. What if I make no friends? What if I spend all my time alone. Alone with my depressive thoughts and self hating nature. That’s never good. 

I had a dream last night. I was moving in and setting everything out in my room. Then I gave my family a hug and cried. Then they left. My heart still aches to how alone I’m going to feel. It’s pretty pathetic how sad I get over this. 

I guess I’ve ran far enough now. It’s time I ran into this head first. Prepared my self and get ready for an adventure. I need to fight this worry and fear. I can’t keep running backward in my road to nowhere. I can only move forwards and hope to grow. 

I need to stop running away because no matter how fast I run. These thoughts are catching up. 

Otherworldly escapist 

I’ve been trying to be happy lately. It’s kinda working. I ignore my bad thoughts or I’ve been distancing myself. I have a great imagination so it’s easy to drift from reality time to time. 

I’m not as upset with myself. I still hate myself but I’m trying to handle it better. I’ve been reading a lot of books, writing my stories and drawing again. It’s helping. I feel good about myself when I’m writing my stories and drawing. I can see myself improving. It’s nice to feel good at something. 

Especially since I haven’t felt excited for anything lately. I haven’t been speaking to my friends as much. Whether that is just through lack of conversation or they have finally seen how much of a loser I am and decided to ditch me I don’t know. It’s comic con this weekend too. I have probably the best cosplay I have ever had. I’m still not excited. Because something will probably go wrong. Or I’ll just look terrible as usual. 

I have 3 main stories. With 2 being linked and set in the same universe only 300 years apart. I live through them sometimes. Strong protagonists go on wild adventures, make interesting friends and usually are noticed and loved by many. Most of my stories come from dreams. With me being the protagonist and people I know being in it too. If I think it’s good I write it down. Change the characters to suit the story. Then I build from there.

 I believe writers base a lot of there stories and things within them off their own lives and people they know. Frankly one of my protagonists is what I wish I was. Strong, smart, respected by many, looked up too and beautiful. I like to escape into my fantasies. I create stories with depth, character development and interesting tales. It makes me happy. Because I know I’m good at something. 

I think I am being creative again because it makes me happy. Embarrassed because I hope people don’t think I’m being stupid. But happy nonetheless. It feels good to feel good about myself. 

Slowly I am opening up to the concept of loving myself and likening who I am. I know now that no one cares about me. (Except for my family of course) So I should care about myself and make myself feel good. I think I’m really imaginative and great at creating stories! 

And you know what? It feels really good to like something about myself! I haven’t felt pride like this in a while. Hopefully this feeling grows because it would be nice to be happy in reality and not just in my fantasies. 

Downpour to drizzle 

I have been low. Very low. So low in fact that if I sunk any further I would probably disappear. I haven’t been this bad in a while. Never cried this much. I’ve felt nothing and everything at once. It’s like I have a storm cloud above my head. 

I’m starting to feel less low. My mood is rising and the storm is calming. I’ve got my first therapy appointment booked and I’m starting to feel slightly excited for university. I have no idea where the huge build up of fear and worry has come. Maybe I’m just feeling this burst of life because I am at the end, it’s too late to back out so I might as well roll with it. Like in fantasy films, where a character is going to die anyway so they fight to the death. 

Anyway, I think this storm has passed now. Things aren’t great. But they aren’t as bad. It will be nice to talk to someone about my problems. Even if the room will be flooded with my tears and depressing vibe. I’m getting back up again. Walking down my road. Off to whatever the future holds. (Probably a lotta tears but whatever). 

I need to start helping myself. Talking to a therapist can only do so much. I need to create goodness within me while people are helping with the goodness outside. I am trying to love myself. There’s not much to love but I’m working on it. I’m trying to be chill more which is hard when inside I’m constantly a flame with stress and tension. With the whole OCD touching thing. I will try to think rationally. But being honest I still don’t think the things I have a problem with are a problem. My reaction to them however. Is bad. 

I need to realise I have support and love around me. My family and a therapist will help. Maybe I will finally help myself instead of bottling up my feelings. I have friends I could speak to. But they only know so much, there’s things I can’t tell them and things I don’t want them to know. I don’t want to burden them with my weakness. 

Either way I guess this blog post is just saying that I’ll get back up again. I’m back and ready to try. You know what they say, you can’t have a rainbow without a little rain. 

A pathetic apathetic 

Pathetic. That’s me! I’m that much of a loser it’s almost laughable. 

I either feel too much or nothing. I am constantly on the verge of crying and I hate myself. I can’t stand people touching me or getting in my personal space. Or even coming near my things. 

These problems I have have and are still getting worse. I hate myself so much I find it hard to look at myself. I’m just so prepared for failure that I feel no excitement to my future. I have spent days just lying in the same spot doing nothing. I just feel so rubbish. I have to wash my hands after touching things or keep them away from me till I can. I just feel like my life is going nowhere. 

I keep panicking because I know I’m wasting my life but I don’t have the motivation to be alive. All that my life will be is the same as everyone’s. We work till we die to have the bare necessities. Each day more people dying over politics and stupid hatred. The planet is dying and soon I won’t be surprised if our children live in a dystopian land. 

Sorry. I’m digging to deep into things again. I just feel so bad lately. I feel empty and sad.  I don’t have anything to do and I can’t stop thinking about my problems. 

I don’t know. This is just a late night ramble field by self hate and the fact that I don’t want to cry. 

Time is running out

I’m not ready for change. I’m not ready for university. How am I going to handle being alone?

Lately I have been thinking about university. I’m living on a countdown. The clock keeps ticking closer and closer to the inevitable. I’m nervous and finding it hard to see the good in my future. I feel too stupid, introverted and weak for university. 

I’m scared. I’m scared of being alone. I’m scared of not being able to handle it. I’m scared of people getting into my personal space. I’m scared of the future and of failure. 

Time has stopped. My days are full of calm fun things. I have no schedule and no deadlines. The end of my gap year has been refreshingly peaceful. But the closer it has gotten to September, the louder the clock. Each second closer to university weighing down on me. 

I’m probably just overthinking. In the long run this will be good for me. Education wise it’s a brilliant choice and will help me with my (debt filled) adult life. It’s an adventure. I will grow. I will learn. I will manage. 

But right now time has stood still. I am enjoying it. I am cherishing these moments of calm and quiet. These moments that lack stress and worry. The moments where I am happy with my family or out with friends. Time has stood still for a while and I thrived in it. But in this quiet serenity there has always been the countdown to university. 

The little tick tock of destiny…

and the ticking of the clock is getting louder. 

Hot flashes and cold feet 

Oh no. 

So it seems that when I sleep less I think more. Overthink that is. I was so 100% on the university I’m going to and how excited I was for the course. But now I’m really confused. 

The university I am attending in September is Bangor University. However thanks to lack of sleep, anxiety and stress I am now questioning everything once again. Part of me is regretting my choice. There is a tiny part of me that wants to go York St Johns. Yet there is also a part of me that wants to forget moving away and going to a Liverpool University so I’m close to home. 

Now the best thing to do when overthinking is to stop and realise why you are overthinking. I’m just nervous about being alone. Worried about making friends and failure. You know the emotions any and all soon to be uni students have. 

It’s also probably because I didn’t have a great time on the visit day. After a week of work and lack of sleep I ended up being too stressed and nervous to enjoy the day. So I have left a stain on my picture of what I thought Bangor Uni was. The course looks amazing, the uni and the city does too. I just wish I wasn’t so awkward. Or tense. Because I ruined it for myself. 

I want to be excited about university but all I seem to feel is nervous and scared. Hopefully this is just nerves and lack of sleep. 

The day we went to Bangor…

On the first weekend of April me and my family set out to stay in North Wales for the weekend to visit my 1st choice University and see all the things that will soon be a part of my life. It was both breathtaking and terrifying. 

So to start Bangor is a beautiful place. Tiny for a city. But as someone with no sense of direction I’m pretty glad about that. It’s also very hilly. I doubt there is any part that is not hill. (Again this is a plus because with all the walking my legs are gonna be great). It’s both near sea and countryside which is totally my aesthetic. There was a constant feeling of awe as I looked around my soon to be home. 

Bangor university itself is amazing. A great mixture of old and new. The clash of Bangor Unis main building (cleverly nicknamed Hogwarts) and the new Pontio centre makes it stand out. The library took my breath away. It’s grand, old and beautiful. One of the best I have seen.

 But the main part of the university I wanted to see was the School of Creative Studies and Media. It’s situated on a hill (shocking I know) quite close to the main buildings. The views from the building are amazing. But unfortunately in this building I was not so amazing. I guess the mix of excitement and fear for too much for me and I could feel myself blushing and stuttering. Every time I spoke part of me wished for death. Me being a complete fool aside the media course is so varied. 

As a indecisive person a course that offers such variety is perfect! Radio, film, journalism, game design and much more, all mine for the taking! I’m excited to be getting back into creating and learning! With my main favourite in media being radio I am planning to join the University radio! (Hopefully). The equipment there is pretty advance, definitely better than college. The scenery around holds a great places for short films or documentaries. I’m quite looking forward to journalism too, it’s pretty new to me but maybe I will follow in my families lead on being a journalist type presenter on the radio? Who knows? 

Being at Bangor and seeing the accommodation in real life made me realise some things too. Originally I was all for St Mary’s village. With the cool new studios, aesthetic layout and view of Bangor. However being there I realised 1. I could not and would not walk up and down ‘cardiac hill’ everyday. It’s too much. 2. I don’t want to be 20 minutes away from everything. 3. I’ve realised that as cool as the studios are I would be extremely lonely. Especially with it being in the edge of flats? So Ffriddoed looks like the best place to stay. With it being closer to my school, the shops, the nightlife and just to other people as well.

I left Bangor with a lot of mixed feelings. Excitement of all the adventures I’m going to go on, all the things I’m going to create and everything I’m going to learn. Embarrassment over how I got so nervous and shy. And fear. Fear of change, of the people I might live with, whether I’m going to fail. But I’m looking forward to new beginnings and I’m ready to give it my all. 

Ah well. Even if my feelings are mixed and my heads a mess. I can’t wait to start this adventure! 

Spring in the air, spring in my step!

Spring! Finally! I have missed spring. The cherry blossoms, flowers, the trees! Just the way everything blooms! I’m feeling blooming too, pretty blooming good!

I’m using this time to change! Spring is the time of year for birth and new things, so I’m recreating myself. At the end of college I had become someone I didn’t really like. I had gotten used to being unhealthy, unhappy and unattractive both in looks and personality. So I’m changing.

I’m doing pretty well with learning to love myself and being happier! I am trying to better myself and live. Because for a lot of my gap year I have been alive but not living.

One of my main changes is that I’m going to be less pessimistic. Or well I’m going to try. I’m also being more active. I’m working out 4 hours a week along with working! Just so I get back into the swing of being busy. I lost my get up and go so I’m planting a seed of motivation that will grow.

I’m also going to be more myself. A bad habit of mine and I’m sure on most people have is changing who you are for people. In my last post I talked about how different people bring aspects of yourself out. If I looked at my last two friend groups. Then looked at me with them. There is a difference. I haven’t changed just different parts of me were exaggerated. But from now on I’m just going to be me. 100%.

I’m also going to go out more. I find that when I’m sat inside I just feel lazier and depressed. The weather is lovely again so I have no reason not to go and explore!

This spring is the year I finally bloom!