Captain without a crew

I’ve set sail to a life of adventure but I have done it alone. Today hasn’t been great my OCD has started kicking again. Its a horrible mix of wanting a hug and not wanting to be touched. Making friends is so hard. I feel so alone all the time.

I must sound like a spoilt kid. Its shocking to think I’m nineteen and at university. After having a gap year an not having to wear masks and just be myself its uncomfortable to wear them again. My mum reassures me that its just because of my anxieties and introvertedness that I feel so alone.  But I think its just because I’m so unlikable.

I haven’t joined any societies yet. All of the walking, studying and general university life is exhausting. So I have probably missed out on making friends there. After my unwelcoming welcome week my flat mates probably hate me. Or think I’m ‘special’. I feel so out of the loop with things.

I hate being so introverted. I want to be like other students partying and being confident and just making friends easily. But I don’t. I hate clubbing I feel so out of place. I’m not confident at all. I often wonder if anyone has ever hated themselves as much as I hate myself. I’m worried that I’m overthinking things and in turn acting weird and making my flatmates think I hate them. I don’t.

I have set sail into this life of adventure. Many people have crews now. All together enjoying this journey. While I’m stood on a sinking ship. Without a crew. Without a hope. Why am I so bad at being human. I can’t do anything right or when I think I have something else messes up. I hate myself so much.

At least I’m going home for the weekend. To be with the people I can feel comfortable around because its my family. My safe place. My sanctuary.

I don’t know if I’ll be able to come back.

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Constant confusion 

It seems like just as I start to get the hang of university life, I trip up. I’m currently lying in bed with a tension headache or migraine, stressed and a mess. It’s aching from being in constant “I don’t understand” state. 

My road to nowhere has been very hilly lately. University has brought me ups and downs. It’s levelling out now that we are doing courses and I’m busy. But I still keep tripping up. I keep getting so confused about readings? I’m pretty sure I’m doing everything wrong. Being honest I don’t feel smart enough to be here. 

I have missed this stress in a sense. From going to doing nothing constantly to being busy all the time makes me feel more alive I guess. And tired. I’m so tired all the time. I’m getting used to the walking and I’m getting used to the work. But it’s exhausting. 

I never know what I’m doing. If I’m doing it right? Is the work good enough? Is my all good enough?? I’m so confused about the readings and some of the work. I don’t want to bombard people with questions or seem dumb but I’m really stuck. 

This was a pretty lame post. But I’m so tired and I’m pretty sure my head is about to explode. 

High and really low 

This is my first post at university. Needless to say this first week has been a mess. A scary exciting slow mess. But I’m starting to get the hang of it. 

So my first day. If you read my last post it was obvious that I was terrified. My mum came with me and while it was fun being with her and getting all of my stuff and decorating my room. I thought I couldn’t handle it alone. I don’t think I have cried so much in one day. I went to bed with a red sore cheeks and tired bloodshot eyes. My mum didn’t leave until 5pm. Once she left I cried some more. But I went out with my flat mates and got to know them. I didn’t sleep that night. 

My second day was low but not as bad. I cried when I woke up I didn’t know what to do with myself. But I got through the day. I have to say I feel blessed that I have such nice flat mates. They are all so friendly and chill it really puts my anxiety at ease. I cried some more before bed. 

I also spoke to the warden of my flats. She is really nice and had been at uni for 3 years and is a total pro. She told me about the student support plan? That I can get help while I’m at uni and that it might put my depression at ease. So I have signed up to that. 

Monday and Tuesday were a blur of making friends and learning about my school! It’s been fun! I thought I was finally doing well! But obviously I would wreck everything for myself. 

Wednesday was awful. Just everything kept going wrong. That night I drank to much and ended up having a break down. I was so drunk. I cried my heart out. I kept calling the wardens angels and good eggs (they come to fuckups like me when we are having a sitch) I kept telling people I was related to pirates? ( must’ve been all the rum I drank) I told them that these mental illnesses are killing me and I don’t want to die but if I could stop existing and my family would be okay I would. 

All in all it was an embarrassing, drunken tearful, wreck of a night. But yknow what. As ashamed of myself as I was. (And sick. Very sick) I don’t feel awful. I’m still embarrassed that I made a fool of myself. But who hasn’t! People have done worse things when drunk. All I did was cry. So I’m not going to let my self hate get the best of me. People mess up. People do dumb things when drunk. To er is human. I’m no exception. So yes I had a wreck of a Wednesday night and made a fool of myself. But I feel better after getting it out of my system. Quite literally. But I will learn from this and grow. 

Yesterday was a better day! I met with a mental health adviser at my university and we have sorted some things. Today my mum is visiting me and I am going to relax. 

This week has been rocky and had the worst lows and some pretty good highs. I’ve made a fool of myself and cried loads. But I have made loads of friends! My flat mates are great, my courses are interesting and awesome. After this week I feel slightly better. 

I have had worse years. 2014 scarred me. But I got through. So three years at university doing a course I love, thriving in independence and adventure. I think I can handle it. 

Fear- the morning of moving to university 

Today I move to university. These past few days I haven’t cried loads. I’ve felt numb. It’s felt unreal. But now that I’m about to leave I feel like the crying won’t stop. 

I’m stood on the edge only a cliff. About to jump into the unknown. I don’t know how I’m gonna handle university. Part of me thinks this is just my reaction to fear. I don’t know what I’m thinking. Moving away??? Am I joking??? 

I’m going to miss the daily hugs and time with my family? What if I don’t make it? I’m so scared and sad about being alone. What if i fail?? Am I even strong enough to be alone? 

I have to stay calm. I need to remember what mum and dad said. That’s I can come home at any point. If I feel like I can’t handle it. If I miss my family my mum will come and drive up no matter the time or day. I need to remember that my family love me. With a love stronger than any force on earth. 

You are probably wondering why did I pick a uni not close to home if I’m so family oriented? It was the best corse for me and my future. And all in all the university is great for me. But now I’m worried I made a mistake. Or is this anxiety? Am I overthinking everything because I’m sad? 

I’m terrified to make this leap. But there’s nothing I can do to stop it. 

Winds of change

Autumn is in the air. Leaves are starting to turn red. In 6 days I am moving to university. September is the month of change. The weather gets colder. I’m starting a new adventure!

I’m excited for university! Mainly the course part, after wasting so much time in my gap year it will be nice to feel good at something and working hard again. I’m not keen on welcome week. It will be fun but as a pessimistic introvert with social anxiety I can only handle so much. 

I’m using this as a chance to be reborn. Change myself. Be more myself. I have thinking about a quote lately. It’s just a little quote from a Ghibli film I watched recently. It was “Always believe in yourself. Do this and no matter where you are, you will have nothing to fear”. It’s really stuck with me. Because maybe if I do believe in myself and stop all the self hatred. I might feel better when I’m alone. 

After highschool being one version of me and college being another. I spent my gap year in a blank mode. I had my interests and my personality. But I’ve been pretty blank. I haven’t had much fashion sense as I have spent my time in pjs or work clothes. Usually sunk on the couch feeling sad. Don’t get me wrong I have had fun too! But this year I have really let my unwillingness to be alive take over. 

But enough of living in the past. My gap year was a great and well needed break. I hope I stay close to my friends through uni. College blessed me with a wonderful set of friends. I love them so much. They are all so original and unique and just hearing from them makes me happy. Luckily one of my best friends is gonna visit me often as they aren’t going university. I hope I make new friends too! 

I want to go on adventures! I want to learn loads! It’s really scary and I’ll be completely alone but I am welcoming this change. I’m ready to work hard and live. 

The season is changing and with them, I’m beginning to change too. 

On the run

University is coming closer every day. Thirty three days to be exact. I should really be getting ready for it. Buying things I need and packing. But I’ve been running away from this. 

Ever since I found out about my depression I have been trying to distract myself from life. I’m so scared about university. I’m scared of being alone with these problems. I’m having nightmares on what will happen in my first weeks. I still have the mindset of failure. So why try if I’m gonna fail. 

I’m worried about not understanding anything and being the dumbest in class. What if I make no friends? What if I spend all my time alone. Alone with my depressive thoughts and self hating nature. That’s never good. 

I had a dream last night. I was moving in and setting everything out in my room. Then I gave my family a hug and cried. Then they left. My heart still aches to how alone I’m going to feel. It’s pretty pathetic how sad I get over this. 

I guess I’ve ran far enough now. It’s time I ran into this head first. Prepared my self and get ready for an adventure. I need to fight this worry and fear. I can’t keep running backward in my road to nowhere. I can only move forwards and hope to grow. 

I need to stop running away because no matter how fast I run. These thoughts are catching up. 

Otherworldly escapist 

I’ve been trying to be happy lately. It’s kinda working. I ignore my bad thoughts or I’ve been distancing myself. I have a great imagination so it’s easy to drift from reality time to time. 

I’m not as upset with myself. I still hate myself but I’m trying to handle it better. I’ve been reading a lot of books, writing my stories and drawing again. It’s helping. I feel good about myself when I’m writing my stories and drawing. I can see myself improving. It’s nice to feel good at something. 

Especially since I haven’t felt excited for anything lately. I haven’t been speaking to my friends as much. Whether that is just through lack of conversation or they have finally seen how much of a loser I am and decided to ditch me I don’t know. It’s comic con this weekend too. I have probably the best cosplay I have ever had. I’m still not excited. Because something will probably go wrong. Or I’ll just look terrible as usual. 

I have 3 main stories. With 2 being linked and set in the same universe only 300 years apart. I live through them sometimes. Strong protagonists go on wild adventures, make interesting friends and usually are noticed and loved by many. Most of my stories come from dreams. With me being the protagonist and people I know being in it too. If I think it’s good I write it down. Change the characters to suit the story. Then I build from there.

 I believe writers base a lot of there stories and things within them off their own lives and people they know. Frankly one of my protagonists is what I wish I was. Strong, smart, respected by many, looked up too and beautiful. I like to escape into my fantasies. I create stories with depth, character development and interesting tales. It makes me happy. Because I know I’m good at something. 

I think I am being creative again because it makes me happy. Embarrassed because I hope people don’t think I’m being stupid. But happy nonetheless. It feels good to feel good about myself. 

Slowly I am opening up to the concept of loving myself and likening who I am. I know now that no one cares about me. (Except for my family of course) So I should care about myself and make myself feel good. I think I’m really imaginative and great at creating stories! 

And you know what? It feels really good to like something about myself! I haven’t felt pride like this in a while. Hopefully this feeling grows because it would be nice to be happy in reality and not just in my fantasies. 

Downpour to drizzle 

I have been low. Very low. So low in fact that if I sunk any further I would probably disappear. I haven’t been this bad in a while. Never cried this much. I’ve felt nothing and everything at once. It’s like I have a storm cloud above my head. 

I’m starting to feel less low. My mood is rising and the storm is calming. I’ve got my first therapy appointment booked and I’m starting to feel slightly excited for university. I have no idea where the huge build up of fear and worry has come. Maybe I’m just feeling this burst of life because I am at the end, it’s too late to back out so I might as well roll with it. Like in fantasy films, where a character is going to die anyway so they fight to the death. 

Anyway, I think this storm has passed now. Things aren’t great. But they aren’t as bad. It will be nice to talk to someone about my problems. Even if the room will be flooded with my tears and depressing vibe. I’m getting back up again. Walking down my road. Off to whatever the future holds. (Probably a lotta tears but whatever). 

I need to start helping myself. Talking to a therapist can only do so much. I need to create goodness within me while people are helping with the goodness outside. I am trying to love myself. There’s not much to love but I’m working on it. I’m trying to be chill more which is hard when inside I’m constantly a flame with stress and tension. With the whole OCD touching thing. I will try to think rationally. But being honest I still don’t think the things I have a problem with are a problem. My reaction to them however. Is bad. 

I need to realise I have support and love around me. My family and a therapist will help. Maybe I will finally help myself instead of bottling up my feelings. I have friends I could speak to. But they only know so much, there’s things I can’t tell them and things I don’t want them to know. I don’t want to burden them with my weakness. 

Either way I guess this blog post is just saying that I’ll get back up again. I’m back and ready to try. You know what they say, you can’t have a rainbow without a little rain. 

A pathetic apathetic 

Pathetic. That’s me! I’m that much of a loser it’s almost laughable. 

I either feel too much or nothing. I am constantly on the verge of crying and I hate myself. I can’t stand people touching me or getting in my personal space. Or even coming near my things. 

These problems I have have and are still getting worse. I hate myself so much I find it hard to look at myself. I’m just so prepared for failure that I feel no excitement to my future. I have spent days just lying in the same spot doing nothing. I just feel so rubbish. I have to wash my hands after touching things or keep them away from me till I can. I just feel like my life is going nowhere. 

I keep panicking because I know I’m wasting my life but I don’t have the motivation to be alive. All that my life will be is the same as everyone’s. We work till we die to have the bare necessities. Each day more people dying over politics and stupid hatred. The planet is dying and soon I won’t be surprised if our children live in a dystopian land. 

Sorry. I’m digging to deep into things again. I just feel so bad lately. I feel empty and sad.  I don’t have anything to do and I can’t stop thinking about my problems. 

I don’t know. This is just a late night ramble field by self hate and the fact that I don’t want to cry. 

Time is running out

I’m not ready for change. I’m not ready for university. How am I going to handle being alone?

Lately I have been thinking about university. I’m living on a countdown. The clock keeps ticking closer and closer to the inevitable. I’m nervous and finding it hard to see the good in my future. I feel too stupid, introverted and weak for university. 

I’m scared. I’m scared of being alone. I’m scared of not being able to handle it. I’m scared of people getting into my personal space. I’m scared of the future and of failure. 

Time has stopped. My days are full of calm fun things. I have no schedule and no deadlines. The end of my gap year has been refreshingly peaceful. But the closer it has gotten to September, the louder the clock. Each second closer to university weighing down on me. 

I’m probably just overthinking. In the long run this will be good for me. Education wise it’s a brilliant choice and will help me with my (debt filled) adult life. It’s an adventure. I will grow. I will learn. I will manage. 

But right now time has stood still. I am enjoying it. I am cherishing these moments of calm and quiet. These moments that lack stress and worry. The moments where I am happy with my family or out with friends. Time has stood still for a while and I thrived in it. But in this quiet serenity there has always been the countdown to university. 

The little tick tock of destiny…

and the ticking of the clock is getting louder.