On the run

University is coming closer every day. Thirty three days to be exact. I should really be getting ready for it. Buying things I need and packing. But I’ve been running away from this. 

Ever since I found out about my depression I have been trying to distract myself from life. I’m so scared about university. I’m scared of being alone with these problems. I’m having nightmares on what will happen in my first weeks. I still have the mindset of failure. So why try if I’m gonna fail. 

I’m worried about not understanding anything and being the dumbest in class. What if I make no friends? What if I spend all my time alone. Alone with my depressive thoughts and self hating nature. That’s never good. 

I had a dream last night. I was moving in and setting everything out in my room. Then I gave my family a hug and cried. Then they left. My heart still aches to how alone I’m going to feel. It’s pretty pathetic how sad I get over this. 

I guess I’ve ran far enough now. It’s time I ran into this head first. Prepared my self and get ready for an adventure. I need to fight this worry and fear. I can’t keep running backward in my road to nowhere. I can only move forwards and hope to grow. 

I need to stop running away because no matter how fast I run. These thoughts are catching up. 

What’s wrong with me?

So the other day, I had my first therapy session. It was awkward and personal. But I finally found out what’s wrong with me. My pessimistic nature helped when the therapist told me I have OCD anxiety and  depression. 

I want to say I was shocked. That I was amazed I had this problem. But I’ve been like this for so long no bad news surprises me.  On the plus side I’m getting therapy and help now. It’ll be nice to speak to someone who has no connection to me or my life. I hope they can help me. I’m so sick of feeling like this. 

I haven’t been sleeping well in forever. I’m currently awake diving into my cocoon of self hatred and analysis. I get too deep in myself and I just lie here. Lost and suffocating in my thoughts. I can’t think straight. I wish I could stop thinking. 

Sorry this was a short post. I just wanted to get this off my chest in a way. 

Downpour to drizzle 

I have been low. Very low. So low in fact that if I sunk any further I would probably disappear. I haven’t been this bad in a while. Never cried this much. I’ve felt nothing and everything at once. It’s like I have a storm cloud above my head. 

I’m starting to feel less low. My mood is rising and the storm is calming. I’ve got my first therapy appointment booked and I’m starting to feel slightly excited for university. I have no idea where the huge build up of fear and worry has come. Maybe I’m just feeling this burst of life because I am at the end, it’s too late to back out so I might as well roll with it. Like in fantasy films, where a character is going to die anyway so they fight to the death. 

Anyway, I think this storm has passed now. Things aren’t great. But they aren’t as bad. It will be nice to talk to someone about my problems. Even if the room will be flooded with my tears and depressing vibe. I’m getting back up again. Walking down my road. Off to whatever the future holds. (Probably a lotta tears but whatever). 

I need to start helping myself. Talking to a therapist can only do so much. I need to create goodness within me while people are helping with the goodness outside. I am trying to love myself. There’s not much to love but I’m working on it. I’m trying to be chill more which is hard when inside I’m constantly a flame with stress and tension. With the whole OCD touching thing. I will try to think rationally. But being honest I still don’t think the things I have a problem with are a problem. My reaction to them however. Is bad. 

I need to realise I have support and love around me. My family and a therapist will help. Maybe I will finally help myself instead of bottling up my feelings. I have friends I could speak to. But they only know so much, there’s things I can’t tell them and things I don’t want them to know. I don’t want to burden them with my weakness. 

Either way I guess this blog post is just saying that I’ll get back up again. I’m back and ready to try. You know what they say, you can’t have a rainbow without a little rain. 

Everlasting storm

I’m defeated, discouraged and disheartened. I’m so angry. I can’t move. My days are timeless lonely nothingness. I have no routine and other than the scream of university I have nothing. I’m so fucking alone and sad constantly. I have no motivation to do anything. I feel like I am dead. 

I am trying to change things. The other day I went to the doctors to seek help for my problems. I cried. It was really hard to tell someone about it. To sit with someone who doesn’t know and just say how I hate myself so much and feel like I’m never going to amount to anything. How I am constantly on the verge of crying and just want to do nothing even though that makes it worse. I don’t find anything fun anymore. It’s just a way to pass the time so I can go to bed. How I have huge problem with people touching me or things. I have to wash my hands constantly. I have to clean my face all the time. People touching me makes me cry and want to have a shower. I just feel so shit. I feel like I’m lying in my grave just waiting to die. 

My mum came with me to the appointment. I love my mum she is being really supportive through all of this. (Wish I could say the same about the rest of my fam. They just think I’m being silly with my touching and cleanliness stuff. They pull faces and moan. It makes me uncomfortable and guilty. But whatever.) She is the person I go to for all my help. She held my hand and helped me explain. I’m gonna be getting therapy for a while. So that will hopefully help. 

I just feel so sad. I just wanna cry and hug someone. I’m so scared of the future. I’m so tired of my life now. I’m not alone but I feel so lonely. I hate being in my house because I’m always there with nothing to do but sit and think. I have no motivation to do anything. My mind is just a mess. A storm and with every crack of thunder and crash of lightning the rain is getting heavier. I cry so much it’s pathetic. 

I hope tomorrow is a nice day so I can sit out side. I hope the sun comes out soon. 

A pathetic apathetic 

Pathetic. That’s me! I’m that much of a loser it’s almost laughable. 

I either feel too much or nothing. I am constantly on the verge of crying and I hate myself. I can’t stand people touching me or getting in my personal space. Or even coming near my things. 

These problems I have have and are still getting worse. I hate myself so much I find it hard to look at myself. I’m just so prepared for failure that I feel no excitement to my future. I have spent days just lying in the same spot doing nothing. I just feel so rubbish. I have to wash my hands after touching things or keep them away from me till I can. I just feel like my life is going nowhere. 

I keep panicking because I know I’m wasting my life but I don’t have the motivation to be alive. All that my life will be is the same as everyone’s. We work till we die to have the bare necessities. Each day more people dying over politics and stupid hatred. The planet is dying and soon I won’t be surprised if our children live in a dystopian land. 

Sorry. I’m digging to deep into things again. I just feel so bad lately. I feel empty and sad.  I don’t have anything to do and I can’t stop thinking about my problems. 

I don’t know. This is just a late night ramble field by self hate and the fact that I don’t want to cry. 

Sinking to the bottom of the sea 

I’ve sunken low. I wish I wasn’t me. I am such a horrible person. 

All I seem to do is mess things up. Sometimes when I feel things are getting good I subconsciously have to go and mess things up. 

I overthink too much. Too the point I’m falling out with friends and stressing out my family. I wake up with no motivation to do anything. So I’m disappointing my parents because I’m not making effort to be alive. 

I hate myself. Why have I been so grumpy lately. I’m being horrible to everyone without reason. I feel upset, embarrassed, angry. I despise myself. I’m nothing but a disappointment who overthinks and ruins things. I’m toxic. 

I want to sink to the bottom of the sea and be left there. That way I can’t disappoint or hurt anyone. I feel like I keep getting deeper and I can’t come up for air. These bad feelings are getting worse and now I’m effecting people I love too. 

I’m sinking and I can’t breathe.

Drowning…

I’m getting in too deep. The future is coming fast and I don’t feel ready at all. 

If my life were the ocean. I would be swimming out to sea, out to the unknown. The further away I get from the beach which I know well the harder it is to swim. I feel like I’m stuck. That I’m trying to swim up for air but the weight of my feelings and fears is making me sink. It’s hard to breathe. 

I quit my job which is good. It’s my birthday in 3 days which is also good. But that means it’s 85 days till I start university. This year has flown by. I’m not ready for the future. To be in a new place, with new opportunities and adventures sounds fun and exciting (which it is) but it’s also horrifying. 

I’m a very family oriented person. They are the reason I’m happy and still giving a damn about life. I feel sad away from them and I constantly use their advice to act human (because that’s another thing I am rubbish at). At university I will be all alone. 

I know I’m gonna cry. I’ll hit the bottom of the ocean on my first night at uni. I’ll probably cry all night because of my anxieties and crybaby attitude. 

I’m so scared. What if I don’t fit in? I took a gap year after being burnt out from college and high school. What if I’m dumb now? What if I’m no longer good at media? What if I just become a huge failure?  What if my anxiety gets worse?

I know I should be optimistic. I will try and pick myself up when I’m there. It will be good for me to become more independent and have the whole university experience. I’m doing what’s best for my future. I know I will be able to handle it. 

But right now. I just feel so helpless. I can’t breathe. I’m sinking. 

Hot flashes and cold feet 

Oh no. 

So it seems that when I sleep less I think more. Overthink that is. I was so 100% on the university I’m going to and how excited I was for the course. But now I’m really confused. 

The university I am attending in September is Bangor University. However thanks to lack of sleep, anxiety and stress I am now questioning everything once again. Part of me is regretting my choice. There is a tiny part of me that wants to go York St Johns. Yet there is also a part of me that wants to forget moving away and going to a Liverpool University so I’m close to home. 

Now the best thing to do when overthinking is to stop and realise why you are overthinking. I’m just nervous about being alone. Worried about making friends and failure. You know the emotions any and all soon to be uni students have. 

It’s also probably because I didn’t have a great time on the visit day. After a week of work and lack of sleep I ended up being too stressed and nervous to enjoy the day. So I have left a stain on my picture of what I thought Bangor Uni was. The course looks amazing, the uni and the city does too. I just wish I wasn’t so awkward. Or tense. Because I ruined it for myself. 

I want to be excited about university but all I seem to feel is nervous and scared. Hopefully this is just nerves and lack of sleep. 

Low self esteem or drama queen? 

I’m probably both. If I’m being honest with myself. 

I made that post before saying how I wasn’t gonna let things stop me from living and how I won’t let my self hatred get me down. But it’s hard. I don’t know whether it’s because of recent events, childhood bullies or my anxiety that has made it difficult to like myself. 

I only have two views of myself. And I switch between them. (Which is fun.). I either hate everything about myself. Or I think that I’m pretty good. But who doesn’t. 

People often tell me not to be so hard on myself. But that’s hard. When you constantly give yourself advice and try to change but at the same time never listen to said advice and keep making things worse. It’s hard to not be so hard. 

I have a lot of issues with myself. I hope I can learn how to fix them and deal with them on my road to nowhere. Because I’m tired of trying. 

This post isn’t really going anywhere. Kinda like my train of thought. 

Acceptance 

As part of my whole growing and road to nowhere thing I feel that I need to change. The first part of this is accepting what I am now. 

I am unattractive. My face is weird, I’m fat and I have a gross body. I am unhappy with my appearance to the point that I can’t do some things, can’t speak to some people and dislike leaving the house. But no more. I am unattractive and I accept that. This is who I am. I can’t change my face. I can lose weight and that will help. But I will still be ugly. But that’s okay. Because who’s cares? I may not be beautiful but I can enjoy the beauty of the world I live in and the beauty of the feelings I will experience. I can enjoy the beauty in living to the fullest! No more will I be hung up on my looks. Because I can’t change being ugly or the feelings I have about myself. But I can stop worrying about it. 

I am a horrible person. Best way to put it. My personality annoys me. I don’t stay true to myself. I don’t have motivation. I don’t deal with things. I say things without thinking. I talk to much. I’m selfish and rude. I never shut up and I never say the right thing. I’m just an unpleasant person to be around. But that’s okay. I have a lot of bad points. But I have good points too! I love to love. When I care about someone I care hard. When I make friends I am always loyal and true. I am good at helping people! For someone who doesn’t do good with life I am good at helping others. I love my family and do whatever I can to cheer them up and be there for them. I would die for them. I am a horrible person and I accept that because it doesn’t mean I can try and be less horrible and work harder with being loving and nice! I can talk less and listen and learn!

I am not who I want to be. I am not tough, smart or emotionally stable. I’m not a leader or someone for other people to look up to. I go unnoticed and I don’t stand out. I am not motivated as much as i would like. I am not who I want to be but that’s okay. I live in daydream after daydream where I am who I want to be. But I have done some great things in reality too!  I have made all those around proud of me. I have achieved things, I have many friends and people that want to know me. Maybe a lot of it has gone unnoticed. But to those I care about and those who care about me the things I do don’t go unnoticed. It’s okay that I’m not who I want to be because people who do love me, do so because it’s me. 

I am not tough. I cry easily, I feel lonely a lot. I can barely speak to people because of how shy I am. I worry so much and let things get to me. I am easily hurt and feel so weak. I am not tough and I accept that. And it’s okay. I am only young. I have taken a few hits in my life. A lot from myself. I can grow and become tough. I can learn to deal with things, learn to stand for what I believe in, learn to fight for it. 

I am not giving up. I am not going to let these things stop me. I am not going to stop living and spend all my life hiding because of what others will think or how I may not be that good or how I will just ruin it. I am not going to accept surrender because that is not okay. 

I will deal with my ridiculous amount of self loathing. I will learn to be kinder to myself and love myself. I can change for the better. I can figure out my life one step at a time. I can become tougher and fight. I can learn to be myself and be nicer. I can learn to accept myself. I can live. 

I am unhappy with who I am.  But that’s okay. Because I am not going to let it stop me from living.