Otherworldly escapist 

I’ve been trying to be happy lately. It’s kinda working. I ignore my bad thoughts or I’ve been distancing myself. I have a great imagination so it’s easy to drift from reality time to time. 

I’m not as upset with myself. I still hate myself but I’m trying to handle it better. I’ve been reading a lot of books, writing my stories and drawing again. It’s helping. I feel good about myself when I’m writing my stories and drawing. I can see myself improving. It’s nice to feel good at something. 

Especially since I haven’t felt excited for anything lately. I haven’t been speaking to my friends as much. Whether that is just through lack of conversation or they have finally seen how much of a loser I am and decided to ditch me I don’t know. It’s comic con this weekend too. I have probably the best cosplay I have ever had. I’m still not excited. Because something will probably go wrong. Or I’ll just look terrible as usual. 

I have 3 main stories. With 2 being linked and set in the same universe only 300 years apart. I live through them sometimes. Strong protagonists go on wild adventures, make interesting friends and usually are noticed and loved by many. Most of my stories come from dreams. With me being the protagonist and people I know being in it too. If I think it’s good I write it down. Change the characters to suit the story. Then I build from there.

 I believe writers base a lot of there stories and things within them off their own lives and people they know. Frankly one of my protagonists is what I wish I was. Strong, smart, respected by many, looked up too and beautiful. I like to escape into my fantasies. I create stories with depth, character development and interesting tales. It makes me happy. Because I know I’m good at something. 

I think I am being creative again because it makes me happy. Embarrassed because I hope people don’t think I’m being stupid. But happy nonetheless. It feels good to feel good about myself. 

Slowly I am opening up to the concept of loving myself and likening who I am. I know now that no one cares about me. (Except for my family of course) So I should care about myself and make myself feel good. I think I’m really imaginative and great at creating stories! 

And you know what? It feels really good to like something about myself! I haven’t felt pride like this in a while. Hopefully this feeling grows because it would be nice to be happy in reality and not just in my fantasies. 

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Elysian wallflower 

I’ve always been a wallflower. I go unnoticed and I’m not really missed. It doesn’t bother me too much. Just somethings get me really upset. 

I guess I like attention but I wouldn’t say I’m an attention seeker. I just would like to be noticed once in a while. I guess that’s why I loved media in college so much. I was top of the class. Literally I got the highest grade and that’s because I worked the hardest. Sweat, blood and a lot of tears went into my work and it was noticed! People used to ask me for advice! My teacher would praise me. Not a lot because he was kinda serious and critical all the time (which helped me get an A in my coursework so fair enough). Also I have realised every media teacher I have met has come across mellow and dead inside. You can see why I find them so relatable and easy to speak too. 

But anyway. It just felt nice that someone noticed how hard I worked. How I had been that stressed I had messed up my health. I wasn’t sleeping well and I cried a lot. Because I wanted and needed to do so well. It’s weird but because I was so good I’m scared of what I’m going to be at university. I feel like I have to be one of the best. In my other classes I still worked hard. I wasn’t really noticed for it though. I wasn’t really noticed in a lot of things. 

I think over time I’ve just came to except that I’m a wallflower. I don’t really stand out. I’m not that special. I’d say I’m funny and have a really good imagination but that’s about it. It used to really upset me. How I was never the one that everyone wanted to be like or be friends with. I was never the one people praised for hard work. I didn’t really stand out to anyone no matter how hard I tried. 

That used to upset me. But lately I have been trying to change how I think. Try to be more optimistic. I think I’m a hidden gem. I go unnoticed and I don’t really stand out, but when I am noticed people see how special I really am. They see that I am an extremely loyal and caring friend. They see that I have an amazing imagination and have being drawing and writing stories since I could. They see that I’m really good and motivated in work I care about. 

I’ve finally accepted that I’m a wallflower. Because no one said the wallflower can’t be beautiful. And it’s time I started seeing myself as such. Just because I’m not noticed by everyone doesn’t mean I can’t notice how great I truly am! This has got to be the first time in years I have allowed myself to feel good about who I am. It feels nice and light! 

Downpour to drizzle 

I have been low. Very low. So low in fact that if I sunk any further I would probably disappear. I haven’t been this bad in a while. Never cried this much. I’ve felt nothing and everything at once. It’s like I have a storm cloud above my head. 

I’m starting to feel less low. My mood is rising and the storm is calming. I’ve got my first therapy appointment booked and I’m starting to feel slightly excited for university. I have no idea where the huge build up of fear and worry has come. Maybe I’m just feeling this burst of life because I am at the end, it’s too late to back out so I might as well roll with it. Like in fantasy films, where a character is going to die anyway so they fight to the death. 

Anyway, I think this storm has passed now. Things aren’t great. But they aren’t as bad. It will be nice to talk to someone about my problems. Even if the room will be flooded with my tears and depressing vibe. I’m getting back up again. Walking down my road. Off to whatever the future holds. (Probably a lotta tears but whatever). 

I need to start helping myself. Talking to a therapist can only do so much. I need to create goodness within me while people are helping with the goodness outside. I am trying to love myself. There’s not much to love but I’m working on it. I’m trying to be chill more which is hard when inside I’m constantly a flame with stress and tension. With the whole OCD touching thing. I will try to think rationally. But being honest I still don’t think the things I have a problem with are a problem. My reaction to them however. Is bad. 

I need to realise I have support and love around me. My family and a therapist will help. Maybe I will finally help myself instead of bottling up my feelings. I have friends I could speak to. But they only know so much, there’s things I can’t tell them and things I don’t want them to know. I don’t want to burden them with my weakness. 

Either way I guess this blog post is just saying that I’ll get back up again. I’m back and ready to try. You know what they say, you can’t have a rainbow without a little rain. 

Everlasting storm

I’m defeated, discouraged and disheartened. I’m so angry. I can’t move. My days are timeless lonely nothingness. I have no routine and other than the scream of university I have nothing. I’m so fucking alone and sad constantly. I have no motivation to do anything. I feel like I am dead. 

I am trying to change things. The other day I went to the doctors to seek help for my problems. I cried. It was really hard to tell someone about it. To sit with someone who doesn’t know and just say how I hate myself so much and feel like I’m never going to amount to anything. How I am constantly on the verge of crying and just want to do nothing even though that makes it worse. I don’t find anything fun anymore. It’s just a way to pass the time so I can go to bed. How I have huge problem with people touching me or things. I have to wash my hands constantly. I have to clean my face all the time. People touching me makes me cry and want to have a shower. I just feel so shit. I feel like I’m lying in my grave just waiting to die. 

My mum came with me to the appointment. I love my mum she is being really supportive through all of this. (Wish I could say the same about the rest of my fam. They just think I’m being silly with my touching and cleanliness stuff. They pull faces and moan. It makes me uncomfortable and guilty. But whatever.) She is the person I go to for all my help. She held my hand and helped me explain. I’m gonna be getting therapy for a while. So that will hopefully help. 

I just feel so sad. I just wanna cry and hug someone. I’m so scared of the future. I’m so tired of my life now. I’m not alone but I feel so lonely. I hate being in my house because I’m always there with nothing to do but sit and think. I have no motivation to do anything. My mind is just a mess. A storm and with every crack of thunder and crash of lightning the rain is getting heavier. I cry so much it’s pathetic. 

I hope tomorrow is a nice day so I can sit out side. I hope the sun comes out soon. 

A pathetic apathetic 

Pathetic. That’s me! I’m that much of a loser it’s almost laughable. 

I either feel too much or nothing. I am constantly on the verge of crying and I hate myself. I can’t stand people touching me or getting in my personal space. Or even coming near my things. 

These problems I have have and are still getting worse. I hate myself so much I find it hard to look at myself. I’m just so prepared for failure that I feel no excitement to my future. I have spent days just lying in the same spot doing nothing. I just feel so rubbish. I have to wash my hands after touching things or keep them away from me till I can. I just feel like my life is going nowhere. 

I keep panicking because I know I’m wasting my life but I don’t have the motivation to be alive. All that my life will be is the same as everyone’s. We work till we die to have the bare necessities. Each day more people dying over politics and stupid hatred. The planet is dying and soon I won’t be surprised if our children live in a dystopian land. 

Sorry. I’m digging to deep into things again. I just feel so bad lately. I feel empty and sad.  I don’t have anything to do and I can’t stop thinking about my problems. 

I don’t know. This is just a late night ramble field by self hate and the fact that I don’t want to cry. 

Time is running out

I’m not ready for change. I’m not ready for university. How am I going to handle being alone?

Lately I have been thinking about university. I’m living on a countdown. The clock keeps ticking closer and closer to the inevitable. I’m nervous and finding it hard to see the good in my future. I feel too stupid, introverted and weak for university. 

I’m scared. I’m scared of being alone. I’m scared of not being able to handle it. I’m scared of people getting into my personal space. I’m scared of the future and of failure. 

Time has stopped. My days are full of calm fun things. I have no schedule and no deadlines. The end of my gap year has been refreshingly peaceful. But the closer it has gotten to September, the louder the clock. Each second closer to university weighing down on me. 

I’m probably just overthinking. In the long run this will be good for me. Education wise it’s a brilliant choice and will help me with my (debt filled) adult life. It’s an adventure. I will grow. I will learn. I will manage. 

But right now time has stood still. I am enjoying it. I am cherishing these moments of calm and quiet. These moments that lack stress and worry. The moments where I am happy with my family or out with friends. Time has stood still for a while and I thrived in it. But in this quiet serenity there has always been the countdown to university. 

The little tick tock of destiny…

and the ticking of the clock is getting louder. 

The little things 

Today we went out for my birthday. I have had such an amazing day! But now that I’m lying in bed alone with my thoughts it’s just reminding me that I’m going to miss this. 

Today we went for a meal at my favourite restaurant, looked round a few shops and went for a big walk at the beach. It was great I felt so happy and loved! My family are the best. At the beach I felt most at peace. My heart belongs to the sea. Whenever I’m there I feel fully calm. I can think clearly. 

But now I just feel upset. I’m going to miss the spontaneous days out I have with my family. The late night chats with my siblings. Sometimes they ask me for advice sometimes we just chat about silly things. (Like whether Shrek is still a good film). I’ll miss chatting with my parents.  I’m going to miss the daily hugs. (I’m 19 but mentally I’m about 5). It sounds stupid but after a bad day a hug from my mum is enough to kick start my optimism and make me feel happy. I’ll miss hearing them about the house. Just knowing they are there if I need them. 

It’s the little simple things I’ll miss when I’m at university. Just the warmth of home and the daily love from my family. At university I will have the cool of a lonely room and the online love from my family. Which is nice but I would rather be with them. I’m excited for university but I’m going to miss my family so much. 

In my life on my darkest days, when my self hatred becomes to harsh, my will to live is low and the world seems against me. My family are the only thing I love and care about and they get me through the day.  

18s Ramblings- 19s Remark

It’s my birthday! I’m 19 today! 

I’m so happy! Today is gonna be great! I love my family, my friends and my life! I love my presents and I can’t wait to celebrate! 

I can’t believe I’m 19. I’m surprised I’ve made it this far to be completely honest. With my lax attitude and clumsy persona. But I’m happy I have! I know I hit rock bottom once or twice but I have always got back up again. 

My year of being 18 has been the wildest year of my life yet! I’ve had so many different jobs (most I’ve hated), made so many new friends, been loads of comic cons. Had time to relax and figure everything out before uni (still figuring some things out). Earnt and wasted so much money. Came out as bisexual (which shocked no one). My house got burgled and had some problems along the way of course. But I’ve gained confidence in myself! Ive spent time with my family and friends, relaxed and fixed some problems! I’ve had a great year! 

I want to thank my friends and family for making me happy! Especially my family for always being there for me. I love them all so much it’s almost sad. But thanks to them I can get through the toughest of days! All in all I just feel really happy and full of love today! 

Bring on my nineteenth year trapped in this flesh prison on this dying rock! I’m pumped and ready for it! 


P.s

While I am changing the feature imagesfor my posts the name of my blog will not be changing and remain 8teenroadtonowhere. This is because it’s the name this blog started with and Istarted my road to nowhere at 18. 

Now that I’m 19 I’ll be blogging more about my awful attempts to be an adult, my first year of university and every twist and tumble I come across. I will keep blogging my thoughts too. 

Thank you to all of you who read my blog. It makes me happy that my silly thoughts and metaphors are actually read and liked by other people. 

Hope you stay along for the ride! I’m still on this road! 

Sinking to the bottom of the sea 

I’ve sunken low. I wish I wasn’t me. I am such a horrible person. 

All I seem to do is mess things up. Sometimes when I feel things are getting good I subconsciously have to go and mess things up. 

I overthink too much. Too the point I’m falling out with friends and stressing out my family. I wake up with no motivation to do anything. So I’m disappointing my parents because I’m not making effort to be alive. 

I hate myself. Why have I been so grumpy lately. I’m being horrible to everyone without reason. I feel upset, embarrassed, angry. I despise myself. I’m nothing but a disappointment who overthinks and ruins things. I’m toxic. 

I want to sink to the bottom of the sea and be left there. That way I can’t disappoint or hurt anyone. I feel like I keep getting deeper and I can’t come up for air. These bad feelings are getting worse and now I’m effecting people I love too. 

I’m sinking and I can’t breathe.

Drowning…

I’m getting in too deep. The future is coming fast and I don’t feel ready at all. 

If my life were the ocean. I would be swimming out to sea, out to the unknown. The further away I get from the beach which I know well the harder it is to swim. I feel like I’m stuck. That I’m trying to swim up for air but the weight of my feelings and fears is making me sink. It’s hard to breathe. 

I quit my job which is good. It’s my birthday in 3 days which is also good. But that means it’s 85 days till I start university. This year has flown by. I’m not ready for the future. To be in a new place, with new opportunities and adventures sounds fun and exciting (which it is) but it’s also horrifying. 

I’m a very family oriented person. They are the reason I’m happy and still giving a damn about life. I feel sad away from them and I constantly use their advice to act human (because that’s another thing I am rubbish at). At university I will be all alone. 

I know I’m gonna cry. I’ll hit the bottom of the ocean on my first night at uni. I’ll probably cry all night because of my anxieties and crybaby attitude. 

I’m so scared. What if I don’t fit in? I took a gap year after being burnt out from college and high school. What if I’m dumb now? What if I’m no longer good at media? What if I just become a huge failure?  What if my anxiety gets worse?

I know I should be optimistic. I will try and pick myself up when I’m there. It will be good for me to become more independent and have the whole university experience. I’m doing what’s best for my future. I know I will be able to handle it. 

But right now. I just feel so helpless. I can’t breathe. I’m sinking.