This is a messy post. I don’t care. I feel so bad right now. I don’t even know why. I’ve been numb for the past week. A lot of bad things happened but it ended okay. I’m sat in tears. I can feel then dripping down my gross face.
What was I thinking. Telling people about my stories, writing and drawing again, revising media and trying to lose weight. WHY do I keep fooling myself into believing I am gonna be good at anything. I feel so embarrassed and upset. I bet my parents think I’m childish and stupid because I put effort in storywriting and drawing. I must be getting on my friends nerves because I don’t shut up. Everyone must be sick of how I keep saying I’m gonna lose weight and have a little plan of how im supposedly going to. Everyone must be sick of me because I sure am.
I’m such a fool. I hate myself so much. I’m not good at anything. I’m even doubting the only two things i liked about myself. What if I don’t have a good imagination and my stories are shit. What if I’m not funny and people laugh out of pity. What if people only put up for me because they feel sorry for me and how lame I am.
I’m so sad right now. This has been building up all week. The other day I was crying because I had to take the bin out. I wore gloves. But my stupid OCD kicked in and I cried and had to wash my hands. I feel so mad at myself. I’m so annoyed that I even tried to be happy and change. Especially because I won’t. I have been and always be a fuck up. The other week I was numb now I feel everything at once. I want to punch something because I feel so upset and mad.
I’m falling into an abyss. My chest is tight and I can’t stop crying. I want to scream but no one will hear. I’m so sad right now. I hate this.
University is coming closer every day. Thirty three days to be exact. I should really be getting ready for it. Buying things I need and packing. But I’ve been running away from this.
Ever since I found out about my depression I have been trying to distract myself from life. I’m so scared about university. I’m scared of being alone with these problems. I’m having nightmares on what will happen in my first weeks. I still have the mindset of failure. So why try if I’m gonna fail.
I’m worried about not understanding anything and being the dumbest in class. What if I make no friends? What if I spend all my time alone. Alone with my depressive thoughts and self hating nature. That’s never good.
I had a dream last night. I was moving in and setting everything out in my room. Then I gave my family a hug and cried. Then they left. My heart still aches to how alone I’m going to feel. It’s pretty pathetic how sad I get over this.
I guess I’ve ran far enough now. It’s time I ran into this head first. Prepared my self and get ready for an adventure. I need to fight this worry and fear. I can’t keep running backward in my road to nowhere. I can only move forwards and hope to grow.
I need to stop running away because no matter how fast I run. These thoughts are catching up.
So the other day, I had my first therapy session. It was awkward and personal. But I finally found out what’s wrong with me. My pessimistic nature helped when the therapist told me I have OCD anxiety and depression.
I want to say I was shocked. That I was amazed I had this problem. But I’ve been like this for so long no bad news surprises me. On the plus side I’m getting therapy and help now. It’ll be nice to speak to someone who has no connection to me or my life. I hope they can help me. I’m so sick of feeling like this.
I haven’t been sleeping well in forever. I’m currently awake diving into my cocoon of self hatred and analysis. I get too deep in myself and I just lie here. Lost and suffocating in my thoughts. I can’t think straight. I wish I could stop thinking.
Sorry this was a short post. I just wanted to get this off my chest in a way.
I’ve been trying to be happy lately. It’s kinda working. I ignore my bad thoughts or I’ve been distancing myself. I have a great imagination so it’s easy to drift from reality time to time.
I’m not as upset with myself. I still hate myself but I’m trying to handle it better. I’ve been reading a lot of books, writing my stories and drawing again. It’s helping. I feel good about myself when I’m writing my stories and drawing. I can see myself improving. It’s nice to feel good at something.
Especially since I haven’t felt excited for anything lately. I haven’t been speaking to my friends as much. Whether that is just through lack of conversation or they have finally seen how much of a loser I am and decided to ditch me I don’t know. It’s comic con this weekend too. I have probably the best cosplay I have ever had. I’m still not excited. Because something will probably go wrong. Or I’ll just look terrible as usual.
I have 3 main stories. With 2 being linked and set in the same universe only 300 years apart. I live through them sometimes. Strong protagonists go on wild adventures, make interesting friends and usually are noticed and loved by many. Most of my stories come from dreams. With me being the protagonist and people I know being in it too. If I think it’s good I write it down. Change the characters to suit the story. Then I build from there.
I believe writers base a lot of there stories and things within them off their own lives and people they know. Frankly one of my protagonists is what I wish I was. Strong, smart, respected by many, looked up too and beautiful. I like to escape into my fantasies. I create stories with depth, character development and interesting tales. It makes me happy. Because I know I’m good at something.
I think I am being creative again because it makes me happy. Embarrassed because I hope people don’t think I’m being stupid. But happy nonetheless. It feels good to feel good about myself.
Slowly I am opening up to the concept of loving myself and likening who I am. I know now that no one cares about me. (Except for my family of course) So I should care about myself and make myself feel good. I think I’m really imaginative and great at creating stories!
And you know what? It feels really good to like something about myself! I haven’t felt pride like this in a while. Hopefully this feeling grows because it would be nice to be happy in reality and not just in my fantasies.
I’ve always been a wallflower. I go unnoticed and I’m not really missed. It doesn’t bother me too much. Just somethings get me really upset.
I guess I like attention but I wouldn’t say I’m an attention seeker. I just would like to be noticed once in a while. I guess that’s why I loved media in college so much. I was top of the class. Literally I got the highest grade and that’s because I worked the hardest. Sweat, blood and a lot of tears went into my work and it was noticed! People used to ask me for advice! My teacher would praise me. Not a lot because he was kinda serious and critical all the time (which helped me get an A in my coursework so fair enough). Also I have realised every media teacher I have met has come across mellow and dead inside. You can see why I find them so relatable and easy to speak too.
But anyway. It just felt nice that someone noticed how hard I worked. How I had been that stressed I had messed up my health. I wasn’t sleeping well and I cried a lot. Because I wanted and needed to do so well. It’s weird but because I was so good I’m scared of what I’m going to be at university. I feel like I have to be one of the best. In my other classes I still worked hard. I wasn’t really noticed for it though. I wasn’t really noticed in a lot of things.
I think over time I’ve just came to except that I’m a wallflower. I don’t really stand out. I’m not that special. I’d say I’m funny and have a really good imagination but that’s about it. It used to really upset me. How I was never the one that everyone wanted to be like or be friends with. I was never the one people praised for hard work. I didn’t really stand out to anyone no matter how hard I tried.
That used to upset me. But lately I have been trying to change how I think. Try to be more optimistic. I think I’m a hidden gem. I go unnoticed and I don’t really stand out, but when I am noticed people see how special I really am. They see that I am an extremely loyal and caring friend. They see that I have an amazing imagination and have being drawing and writing stories since I could. They see that I’m really good and motivated in work I care about.
I’ve finally accepted that I’m a wallflower. Because no one said the wallflower can’t be beautiful. And it’s time I started seeing myself as such. Just because I’m not noticed by everyone doesn’t mean I can’t notice how great I truly am! This has got to be the first time in years I have allowed myself to feel good about who I am. It feels nice and light!
I have been low. Very low. So low in fact that if I sunk any further I would probably disappear. I haven’t been this bad in a while. Never cried this much. I’ve felt nothing and everything at once. It’s like I have a storm cloud above my head.
I’m starting to feel less low. My mood is rising and the storm is calming. I’ve got my first therapy appointment booked and I’m starting to feel slightly excited for university. I have no idea where the huge build up of fear and worry has come. Maybe I’m just feeling this burst of life because I am at the end, it’s too late to back out so I might as well roll with it. Like in fantasy films, where a character is going to die anyway so they fight to the death.
Anyway, I think this storm has passed now. Things aren’t great. But they aren’t as bad. It will be nice to talk to someone about my problems. Even if the room will be flooded with my tears and depressing vibe. I’m getting back up again. Walking down my road. Off to whatever the future holds. (Probably a lotta tears but whatever).
I need to start helping myself. Talking to a therapist can only do so much. I need to create goodness within me while people are helping with the goodness outside. I am trying to love myself. There’s not much to love but I’m working on it. I’m trying to be chill more which is hard when inside I’m constantly a flame with stress and tension. With the whole OCD touching thing. I will try to think rationally. But being honest I still don’t think the things I have a problem with are a problem. My reaction to them however. Is bad.
I need to realise I have support and love around me. My family and a therapist will help. Maybe I will finally help myself instead of bottling up my feelings. I have friends I could speak to. But they only know so much, there’s things I can’t tell them and things I don’t want them to know. I don’t want to burden them with my weakness.
Either way I guess this blog post is just saying that I’ll get back up again. I’m back and ready to try. You know what they say, you can’t have a rainbow without a little rain.
I’m defeated, discouraged and disheartened. I’m so angry. I can’t move. My days are timeless lonely nothingness. I have no routine and other than the scream of university I have nothing. I’m so fucking alone and sad constantly. I have no motivation to do anything. I feel like I am dead.
I am trying to change things. The other day I went to the doctors to seek help for my problems. I cried. It was really hard to tell someone about it. To sit with someone who doesn’t know and just say how I hate myself so much and feel like I’m never going to amount to anything. How I am constantly on the verge of crying and just want to do nothing even though that makes it worse. I don’t find anything fun anymore. It’s just a way to pass the time so I can go to bed. How I have huge problem with people touching me or things. I have to wash my hands constantly. I have to clean my face all the time. People touching me makes me cry and want to have a shower. I just feel so shit. I feel like I’m lying in my grave just waiting to die.
My mum came with me to the appointment. I love my mum she is being really supportive through all of this. (Wish I could say the same about the rest of my fam. They just think I’m being silly with my touching and cleanliness stuff. They pull faces and moan. It makes me uncomfortable and guilty. But whatever.) She is the person I go to for all my help. She held my hand and helped me explain. I’m gonna be getting therapy for a while. So that will hopefully help.
I just feel so sad. I just wanna cry and hug someone. I’m so scared of the future. I’m so tired of my life now. I’m not alone but I feel so lonely. I hate being in my house because I’m always there with nothing to do but sit and think. I have no motivation to do anything. My mind is just a mess. A storm and with every crack of thunder and crash of lightning the rain is getting heavier. I cry so much it’s pathetic.
I hope tomorrow is a nice day so I can sit out side. I hope the sun comes out soon.
Pathetic. That’s me! I’m that much of a loser it’s almost laughable.
I either feel too much or nothing. I am constantly on the verge of crying and I hate myself. I can’t stand people touching me or getting in my personal space. Or even coming near my things.
These problems I have have and are still getting worse. I hate myself so much I find it hard to look at myself. I’m just so prepared for failure that I feel no excitement to my future. I have spent days just lying in the same spot doing nothing. I just feel so rubbish. I have to wash my hands after touching things or keep them away from me till I can. I just feel like my life is going nowhere.
I keep panicking because I know I’m wasting my life but I don’t have the motivation to be alive. All that my life will be is the same as everyone’s. We work till we die to have the bare necessities. Each day more people dying over politics and stupid hatred. The planet is dying and soon I won’t be surprised if our children live in a dystopian land.
Sorry. I’m digging to deep into things again. I just feel so bad lately. I feel empty and sad. I don’t have anything to do and I can’t stop thinking about my problems.
I don’t know. This is just a late night ramble field by self hate and the fact that I don’t want to cry.
I’m not ready for change. I’m not ready for university. How am I going to handle being alone?
Lately I have been thinking about university. I’m living on a countdown. The clock keeps ticking closer and closer to the inevitable. I’m nervous and finding it hard to see the good in my future. I feel too stupid, introverted and weak for university.
I’m scared. I’m scared of being alone. I’m scared of not being able to handle it. I’m scared of people getting into my personal space. I’m scared of the future and of failure.
Time has stopped. My days are full of calm fun things. I have no schedule and no deadlines. The end of my gap year has been refreshingly peaceful. But the closer it has gotten to September, the louder the clock. Each second closer to university weighing down on me.
I’m probably just overthinking. In the long run this will be good for me. Education wise it’s a brilliant choice and will help me with my (debt filled) adult life. It’s an adventure. I will grow. I will learn. I will manage.
But right now time has stood still. I am enjoying it. I am cherishing these moments of calm and quiet. These moments that lack stress and worry. The moments where I am happy with my family or out with friends. Time has stood still for a while and I thrived in it. But in this quiet serenity there has always been the countdown to university.
The little tick tock of destiny…
and the ticking of the clock is getting louder.
Today we went out for my birthday. I have had such an amazing day! But now that I’m lying in bed alone with my thoughts it’s just reminding me that I’m going to miss this.
Today we went for a meal at my favourite restaurant, looked round a few shops and went for a big walk at the beach. It was great I felt so happy and loved! My family are the best. At the beach I felt most at peace. My heart belongs to the sea. Whenever I’m there I feel fully calm. I can think clearly.
But now I just feel upset. I’m going to miss the spontaneous days out I have with my family. The late night chats with my siblings. Sometimes they ask me for advice sometimes we just chat about silly things. (Like whether Shrek is still a good film). I’ll miss chatting with my parents. I’m going to miss the daily hugs. (I’m 19 but mentally I’m about 5). It sounds stupid but after a bad day a hug from my mum is enough to kick start my optimism and make me feel happy. I’ll miss hearing them about the house. Just knowing they are there if I need them.
It’s the little simple things I’ll miss when I’m at university. Just the warmth of home and the daily love from my family. At university I will have the cool of a lonely room and the online love from my family. Which is nice but I would rather be with them. I’m excited for university but I’m going to miss my family so much.
In my life on my darkest days, when my self hatred becomes to harsh, my will to live is low and the world seems against me. My family are the only thing I love and care about and they get me through the day.