Ugghhhhhhhhhhhhhh… Why is it. That as soon as I feel like I’m doing pretty good. My issues and insecurities come and punch me in the gut?
I’ll be honest. I’ve had worse lows. This isn’t actually too bad. Because while my depression and anxiety is trying to knock me down I’m punching back. Two things are hitting me. On the left fist is extreme lack of motivation and on the right is my very strong self hatred.
The motivation thing isn’t too bad. I just need to get my ass in gear. Plus fear of failure usually kicks in with the pressure and I get it done. Self hatred however. Damn. It’s like a wall that occasionally jumps in front of me on my road to nowhere. It’s a large strong wall. Covered in rotting vines. It’s my worst enemy.
I have tried fighting it in little ways. Like accepting my flaws and giving up things. Like hey, yea, so what I’m pretty ugly, my body is gross and my personality is rotten. (I’m preeetty aware this an unhealthy way to deal with it. But it works). The better way I’ve been dealing with it is accepting little things about myself and learning to like them. I’m pretty okay at drawing. My imagination and stories I make are the best and amazing. Still trying to find good things about my appearance.
I guess I’m still finding my way with these things. I’m getting better! But right now my core feels like a black hole and I kinda want to cry because, shit I hate myself so much it’s ridiculous. But I’m rolling with these punches and fighting back.
2018? I’m fighting full force. It’s my year. The year I learn to love myself and kill my depression.
I did it. I made it through my first semester of university just 5 more till I finish it. Sure I have some assignments but it’s Christmas! They can wait.
These past few months have been wobbly but I think I’m getting the hang of being a functioning human being. With university I thought by now I’d be a failure or dead. But I’m doing pretty good! I’m getting top grades and high marks for all of my modules! Which is so amazing and uplifting considering I spent my gap year think I was completely stupid and worthless! The workload is stressful but I’m getting used to it!
Uni life itself has been easy to get used to. I love being at home and I love my family but the independence and adventure of university is so great. I go on adventurous and funny quests with my best BOI (n fellow writer) and have late night chats about our stories n life. I have a couple of friends on my course they are lovely too! But I’m happy I have been able to see my college friends recently I missed them.
With my OCD, anxiety and depression I think I’m getting better. My therapy has finally started after months of waiting. I’ll admit I’ve had my lows but I’m getting better at dealing with it all. I’m stopping the downward spiral thoughts of self hate and depression and learning that, hey, maybe I’m not so bad?
I’m really proud of how far I’ve come from the start of uni where The Wednesday™ and multiple breakdowns and bad days occurred. To being pretty good at my work, having adventures, fighting my mental health and starting to enjoy life.
Now I’m sat snug with the Christmas lights and tree on. In a house full of my favourite people (and cats) on Christmas Eve eve. I feel really happy to be home for Christmas.