The little things 

Today we went out for my birthday. I have had such an amazing day! But now that I’m lying in bed alone with my thoughts it’s just reminding me that I’m going to miss this. 

Today we went for a meal at my favourite restaurant, looked round a few shops and went for a big walk at the beach. It was great I felt so happy and loved! My family are the best. At the beach I felt most at peace. My heart belongs to the sea. Whenever I’m there I feel fully calm. I can think clearly. 

But now I just feel upset. I’m going to miss the spontaneous days out I have with my family. The late night chats with my siblings. Sometimes they ask me for advice sometimes we just chat about silly things. (Like whether Shrek is still a good film). I’ll miss chatting with my parents.  I’m going to miss the daily hugs. (I’m 19 but mentally I’m about 5). It sounds stupid but after a bad day a hug from my mum is enough to kick start my optimism and make me feel happy. I’ll miss hearing them about the house. Just knowing they are there if I need them. 

It’s the little simple things I’ll miss when I’m at university. Just the warmth of home and the daily love from my family. At university I will have the cool of a lonely room and the online love from my family. Which is nice but I would rather be with them. I’m excited for university but I’m going to miss my family so much. 

In my life on my darkest days, when my self hatred becomes to harsh, my will to live is low and the world seems against me. My family are the only thing I love and care about and they get me through the day.  

18s Ramblings- 19s Remark

It’s my birthday! I’m 19 today! 

I’m so happy! Today is gonna be great! I love my family, my friends and my life! I love my presents and I can’t wait to celebrate! 

I can’t believe I’m 19. I’m surprised I’ve made it this far to be completely honest. With my lax attitude and clumsy persona. But I’m happy I have! I know I hit rock bottom once or twice but I have always got back up again. 

My year of being 18 has been the wildest year of my life yet! I’ve had so many different jobs (most I’ve hated), made so many new friends, been loads of comic cons. Had time to relax and figure everything out before uni (still figuring some things out). Earnt and wasted so much money. Came out as bisexual (which shocked no one). My house got burgled and had some problems along the way of course. But I’ve gained confidence in myself! Ive spent time with my family and friends, relaxed and fixed some problems! I’ve had a great year! 

I want to thank my friends and family for making me happy! Especially my family for always being there for me. I love them all so much it’s almost sad. But thanks to them I can get through the toughest of days! All in all I just feel really happy and full of love today! 

Bring on my nineteenth year trapped in this flesh prison on this dying rock! I’m pumped and ready for it! 


P.s

While I am changing the feature imagesfor my posts the name of my blog will not be changing and remain 8teenroadtonowhere. This is because it’s the name this blog started with and Istarted my road to nowhere at 18. 

Now that I’m 19 I’ll be blogging more about my awful attempts to be an adult, my first year of university and every twist and tumble I come across. I will keep blogging my thoughts too. 

Thank you to all of you who read my blog. It makes me happy that my silly thoughts and metaphors are actually read and liked by other people. 

Hope you stay along for the ride! I’m still on this road! 

Sinking to the bottom of the sea 

I’ve sunken low. I wish I wasn’t me. I am such a horrible person. 

All I seem to do is mess things up. Sometimes when I feel things are getting good I subconsciously have to go and mess things up. 

I overthink too much. Too the point I’m falling out with friends and stressing out my family. I wake up with no motivation to do anything. So I’m disappointing my parents because I’m not making effort to be alive. 

I hate myself. Why have I been so grumpy lately. I’m being horrible to everyone without reason. I feel upset, embarrassed, angry. I despise myself. I’m nothing but a disappointment who overthinks and ruins things. I’m toxic. 

I want to sink to the bottom of the sea and be left there. That way I can’t disappoint or hurt anyone. I feel like I keep getting deeper and I can’t come up for air. These bad feelings are getting worse and now I’m effecting people I love too. 

I’m sinking and I can’t breathe.

Drowning…

I’m getting in too deep. The future is coming fast and I don’t feel ready at all. 

If my life were the ocean. I would be swimming out to sea, out to the unknown. The further away I get from the beach which I know well the harder it is to swim. I feel like I’m stuck. That I’m trying to swim up for air but the weight of my feelings and fears is making me sink. It’s hard to breathe. 

I quit my job which is good. It’s my birthday in 3 days which is also good. But that means it’s 85 days till I start university. This year has flown by. I’m not ready for the future. To be in a new place, with new opportunities and adventures sounds fun and exciting (which it is) but it’s also horrifying. 

I’m a very family oriented person. They are the reason I’m happy and still giving a damn about life. I feel sad away from them and I constantly use their advice to act human (because that’s another thing I am rubbish at). At university I will be all alone. 

I know I’m gonna cry. I’ll hit the bottom of the ocean on my first night at uni. I’ll probably cry all night because of my anxieties and crybaby attitude. 

I’m so scared. What if I don’t fit in? I took a gap year after being burnt out from college and high school. What if I’m dumb now? What if I’m no longer good at media? What if I just become a huge failure?  What if my anxiety gets worse?

I know I should be optimistic. I will try and pick myself up when I’m there. It will be good for me to become more independent and have the whole university experience. I’m doing what’s best for my future. I know I will be able to handle it. 

But right now. I just feel so helpless. I can’t breathe. I’m sinking. 

Out of the closet! 

On the 28th of May I finally came out to my family! I’m bisexual and proud. They all kinda knew anyway because I’ve been questioning since I was 15. 

I just feels good to get it off my chest. My younger sister inspired me when she came out as lesbian the other month. She is so confident and sure of herself it makes me very proud. 

I was shaking when I told my mum but they kinda knew but still it feels good to tell someone. My best friends really helped me too. With both of them being confused at one point then finding what they are. 

I’ve been confused since year 8. But when I hit 15 I started to question myself more. And when I hit 18 being 100% honest (seeing this is my thought dump) I realised I can’t pretend to be straight, when I am this attracted to girls. 

My friend group are all very LGBT friendly and some were questioning as well. But they helped me realise it isn’t wrong. I don’t need to feel validated because it’s how I feel. 

I’m slowly dealing with all my stresses and everything is gonna get better. 

Sanctuary burglary- the worst day of my life 

The 19th of May was one of the worst days of my life. Our home has been broken into and burgled. Not much is missing. A few electricals and jelewery. But the main thing he stole from us. Is our sanctuary. My house is the only place on earth I felt completely safe. But now it doesn’t feel as safe. Or clean. It feels violated. 

It was hard to sleep. I eventually passed out from being exhausted but I woke up early. It’s just hard to think it happened you know. The police came, a csi lady came and dusted for prints. We tidied our messy house as the heartless thief decided to trash it while treasure hunting. I had a shower changed my bedding just so my room felt clean again. Then we carried on. We watched a film, laughed and went to bed.

My family and I we will get through this. Our love is strong and we are tough. They only took material things that we can buy again. My family is safe, our pets are safe and our house will become safe again. 

The thing that’s hurt me most, is that someone has upset my whole family. Made them feel infuriated, nervous, violated and distraught all at the same time. But we will get though this.  I don’t like how a stranger has came and changed the feeling and safety of my sanctuary. My safe place. But I won’t let them do that. We will clean. Make the house safe again. No one can mess with my family. We will stand together and get through this. 

I just cried and felt so much. That I just feel empty. I don’t feel anything except disappointment.