Hot flashes and cold feet 

Oh no. 

So it seems that when I sleep less I think more. Overthink that is. I was so 100% on the university I’m going to and how excited I was for the course. But now I’m really confused. 

The university I am attending in September is Bangor University. However thanks to lack of sleep, anxiety and stress I am now questioning everything once again. Part of me is regretting my choice. There is a tiny part of me that wants to go York St Johns. Yet there is also a part of me that wants to forget moving away and going to a Liverpool University so I’m close to home. 

Now the best thing to do when overthinking is to stop and realise why you are overthinking. I’m just nervous about being alone. Worried about making friends and failure. You know the emotions any and all soon to be uni students have. 

It’s also probably because I didn’t have a great time on the visit day. After a week of work and lack of sleep I ended up being too stressed and nervous to enjoy the day. So I have left a stain on my picture of what I thought Bangor Uni was. The course looks amazing, the uni and the city does too. I just wish I wasn’t so awkward. Or tense. Because I ruined it for myself. 

I want to be excited about university but all I seem to feel is nervous and scared. Hopefully this is just nerves and lack of sleep. 

The Jar

I feel like my body is a jar. Because lately I have felt empty. You put emotions and feelings in the jar. You close the lid and don’t open it. But then at some point like always the feelings and emotions get out. 

The reason my cleverly pushed down feelings escaped was because I finally got some help. My family are very close I could tell my family anything and I know they will always have my back. But we all sat and talked about what’s been stressing us out and getting us down. 

It felt nice to get everything off my chest. Well not everything. There’s still some issues I don’t tell my family but those are my demons to fight. I told them how I hate everything about myself and feel like I’m destined for failure and abandonment. How I can’t control how grossed out and uncomfortable I get about some things. (I hate being a germaphobe) 

I have figured out some solutions and my family will help me and it’s making me happy. I only feel empty because emotionally I’m exhausted. But that’s okay. Maybe this time my jar will fill with love and happiness rather than bad feelings.  

Low self esteem or drama queen? 

I’m probably both. If I’m being honest with myself. 

I made that post before saying how I wasn’t gonna let things stop me from living and how I won’t let my self hatred get me down. But it’s hard. I don’t know whether it’s because of recent events, childhood bullies or my anxiety that has made it difficult to like myself. 

I only have two views of myself. And I switch between them. (Which is fun.). I either hate everything about myself. Or I think that I’m pretty good. But who doesn’t. 

People often tell me not to be so hard on myself. But that’s hard. When you constantly give yourself advice and try to change but at the same time never listen to said advice and keep making things worse. It’s hard to not be so hard. 

I have a lot of issues with myself. I hope I can learn how to fix them and deal with them on my road to nowhere. Because I’m tired of trying. 

This post isn’t really going anywhere. Kinda like my train of thought. 

The day we went to Bangor…

On the first weekend of April me and my family set out to stay in North Wales for the weekend to visit my 1st choice University and see all the things that will soon be a part of my life. It was both breathtaking and terrifying. 

So to start Bangor is a beautiful place. Tiny for a city. But as someone with no sense of direction I’m pretty glad about that. It’s also very hilly. I doubt there is any part that is not hill. (Again this is a plus because with all the walking my legs are gonna be great). It’s both near sea and countryside which is totally my aesthetic. There was a constant feeling of awe as I looked around my soon to be home. 

Bangor university itself is amazing. A great mixture of old and new. The clash of Bangor Unis main building (cleverly nicknamed Hogwarts) and the new Pontio centre makes it stand out. The library took my breath away. It’s grand, old and beautiful. One of the best I have seen.

 But the main part of the university I wanted to see was the School of Creative Studies and Media. It’s situated on a hill (shocking I know) quite close to the main buildings. The views from the building are amazing. But unfortunately in this building I was not so amazing. I guess the mix of excitement and fear for too much for me and I could feel myself blushing and stuttering. Every time I spoke part of me wished for death. Me being a complete fool aside the media course is so varied. 

As a indecisive person a course that offers such variety is perfect! Radio, film, journalism, game design and much more, all mine for the taking! I’m excited to be getting back into creating and learning! With my main favourite in media being radio I am planning to join the University radio! (Hopefully). The equipment there is pretty advance, definitely better than college. The scenery around holds a great places for short films or documentaries. I’m quite looking forward to journalism too, it’s pretty new to me but maybe I will follow in my families lead on being a journalist type presenter on the radio? Who knows? 

Being at Bangor and seeing the accommodation in real life made me realise some things too. Originally I was all for St Mary’s village. With the cool new studios, aesthetic layout and view of Bangor. However being there I realised 1. I could not and would not walk up and down ‘cardiac hill’ everyday. It’s too much. 2. I don’t want to be 20 minutes away from everything. 3. I’ve realised that as cool as the studios are I would be extremely lonely. Especially with it being in the edge of flats? So Ffriddoed looks like the best place to stay. With it being closer to my school, the shops, the nightlife and just to other people as well.

I left Bangor with a lot of mixed feelings. Excitement of all the adventures I’m going to go on, all the things I’m going to create and everything I’m going to learn. Embarrassment over how I got so nervous and shy. And fear. Fear of change, of the people I might live with, whether I’m going to fail. But I’m looking forward to new beginnings and I’m ready to give it my all. 

Ah well. Even if my feelings are mixed and my heads a mess. I can’t wait to start this adventure!