Adventure is out there! 

I can not contain my excitement! I keep getting worried and overthinking about university but today I felt really excited again! Bangor University have sent me and all there other nervous and excited students a treasure map! (best way to put it like a map with full of treasure to be frank)

Now I know that sounds childish but I have loved pirates since I was a kid and that’s the first thing the map reminded me of. It’s full of all the best things around Bangor University and all of the best places for adventurers and explorers! 

It has really helped me get excited for university again! I’m excited to be learning media  because I’m so passionate about it and I can’t wait to make new friends (even if I am incredibly nervous). But this map has made me love the university even more and abruptly awoken the adventurer in me! Okay so here are some of the things in and around Bangor that I can’t wait to see and explore! 

First off the beaches are a huuuuge thing to me! I pretty much grew up with days at the beach. I could walk all over North Wales from memory by now and there are so many different things to do! Snorkelling at Trearddur Bay, surfing at Rhosneigr beach, seal watching and a boat trip to puffin island and frankly just living by the sea will make me so happy! 

I feel like a little kid going on holiday! I can’t wait to go exploring with my trusty camera blogging all about every place I visit! I used to think it was stupid how hyped people got about university but damn I’m feeling it. If I become a Bangor swot I don’t even care I’m too excited.  
There I so much I can’t wait to see! Caernarfon castle, the Menai Bridge, Beaumaris castle, the fastest zip line in the world, Snowdonia National Park and TV Coch Inn! All these places to visit and explore. The best scones in wales at Bangor pier will definitely worth a try, karaoke at Uno student bar will be worth a go (if I am drunk enough) and I plan to join loads of societies especially those that promote adventure! 

The university itself has me excited! Other than the media studies I am excited about being a student again! The main building is nicknamed Hogwarts and it has a Quidditch team! The library. My god the library is beautiful. As a bibliophile and library lover it makes me so happy to see such a beautiful place! 

I am enthusiastic and ready to work my hardest and always do my best! But also plan to take this map (along with other maps as I have no sense of direction) and explore, go on adventures and live fully in Bangor!

I haven’t felt this excited in ages but I can feel all my worries drifting away. I can’t wait for university! I can’t wait to have a life! There is also the longest place name in Europe. It’s Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch! I mean how do you even pronounce that? 

All in all I just feel happy, enthusiastic and ready for my adventure at university! 

Spring in the air, spring in my step!

Spring! Finally! I have missed spring. The cherry blossoms, flowers, the trees! Just the way everything blooms! I’m feeling blooming too, pretty blooming good!

I’m using this time to change! Spring is the time of year for birth and new things, so I’m recreating myself. At the end of college I had become someone I didn’t really like. I had gotten used to being unhealthy, unhappy and unattractive both in looks and personality. So I’m changing.

I’m doing pretty well with learning to love myself and being happier! I am trying to better myself and live. Because for a lot of my gap year I have been alive but not living.

One of my main changes is that I’m going to be less pessimistic. Or well I’m going to try. I’m also being more active. I’m working out 4 hours a week along with working! Just so I get back into the swing of being busy. I lost my get up and go so I’m planting a seed of motivation that will grow.

I’m also going to be more myself. A bad habit of mine and I’m sure on most people have is changing who you are for people. In my last post I talked about how different people bring aspects of yourself out. If I looked at my last two friend groups. Then looked at me with them. There is a difference. I haven’t changed just different parts of me were exaggerated. But from now on I’m just going to be me. 100%.

I’m also going to go out more. I find that when I’m sat inside I just feel lazier and depressed. The weather is lovely again so I have no reason not to go and explore!

This spring is the year I finally bloom!

A good egg

I’m affectionate. Loving. Some would say over emotional and sometimes I feel a lot in one go.

I have been thinking a lot. Like usual. And maybe it’s because it’s my favourite time of the year, or because with the weather getting warmer my icy heart is staring to thaw. But I realised I have some great friends. A real bunch of good eggs.

Through each stage of your life you make different friends and with that there is a different version of yourself with each friend group. It’s still you just some people bring out different parts about you. From wanting to look like a living doll to becoming a meme.

But I have gotten back in touch with old friends and I’m staying strong with my newer friends. I find it hard to make friends. Either because of the fact I am completely incapable of speaking to people without stuttering or over sharing or just because I don’t like people. But when I make friends? Whoo boy. Do I love them with all my heart? Yes. Would I kill for them? Probably. Will I pray that we stay friends forever like a five year old? Most likely.

But the people I met at college are probably the best people I have ever met. Different. In friend groups it’s easy for people to be alike but they are so individual and beautiful in their own way. And they get me. Like me for me. I don’t have to change myself around them. I’m pretty sure I was going to make a point with this blog post. But now I’m just gushing on how I love my friends.

I mean you know they are good when they listen to your puns and don’t leave you!

I mean it’s a start?

If you have been readin my posts (god knows why) you would see that I have been sat in a metaphorical ditch. One of those ditches that get deeper as you try to climb out. But I have finally dragged myself out of it. 

After feeling bad for a while and not really doing anything. Ever. I have started being productive again! I have been excepted in my first choice university! I’m even visiting them soon, checking out the nearby student studios and getting to know the city around it. I also got a job again! I have worked at this place before so I’m happy to be going back! (Also I’m very thrilled to have money again. For a spendthrift I’m pretty poor) 

Even though there is a part of me that is pretty much ready to sleep for a thousand years I’m excited to be productive and maybe sort my life out! Now that I only have to pick my accommodation I’m really excited about university too! Probably a good idea to start going over all of my media stuff so I turn up like a pro. Hopefully that ditch was the only one on my road to nowhere. (Probably not)

So how are things? Things are good!

Narrator: Things were not good. 

This isn’t going to be like my other posts I’m afraid. I guess the rest are more hopeful and just thoughts. But everyone gets bad thoughts too I guess. My biggest problem is that I hate myself. I just fully hate myself. I find it hard to find stuff I like about myself or even think good about myself. (Except for my humour and jokes. Probably the best part about me.) 

I have been like this for years now. I have stumbled again on my road to nowhere. This time I’m finding it hard to get up. It’s hard to be motivated about life and moving forward when you haven’t had any motivation or strive to be alive since you were sixteen. It’s rare that I do anything anymore. I just feel like nonexisting for a while. I don’t want to die. I’m quite happy with being alive. But I wish I could take breaks. Stop existing for a bit. 

I probably just sounds like every other eighteen year old. Moaning about how the world is cruel and how life is hard and how I’m pathetic and wallowing in self pity. Well I’m right. I am being pathetic. It gets harder for me to look in the mirror because a fat ugly disappointment of a person stares back. The bitch who cause all my problems. The one who threw me into this cycle of being unhealthy, unhappy and unmotivated to do anything. 

I’m constantly screaming internally at life. I’m so stressed all the time to the point where I have made myself ill. I’m so unhappy with who I am that I would rather not exist. I’m so worried of failing again that i don’t have the motivation to try. 

But I just have to breathe. Everyone has bad days. Everyone has demons. I guess for today they just tripped me up. But I’ll get back up tomorrow. I’ll carry on my road to nowhere. 

Mama didn’t raise a quittter. 

Purple Skies 

I have felt a lot of love recently, not because it was near Valentine’s Day but because of my family. I went out the other day and on the bus home I watched the sky as my siblings sleepily sat next to me.

I watched the peach and blue sky. It was a strange combination of colours. But I felt a combination of feelings at the time. I felt pretty peachy. After having a fun day out with my bro and sis, spending most of it laughing and messing about in shops I was happier than usual. But ami also felt pretty blue. Times like this (and excuse me for being an overly emotional person) I think about how much I love my family. My siblings may be annoying sometimes but they are my best friends.

Maybe this is just my inner English student but I was feeling a lot of pathetic fallacy on the my ride home. The sky had changed again to a purple and violet sky. It matches my mood at least. I felt a bit down but calm. I’m really going to miss them being around all the time. Our daily chats, weekly adventures and all year round jokes.

I felt calm however. I feel calm because even though I am moving out they will always be there. Thanks to tech and weekend sleepovers. But at the same time they are only a call away. Family are like stars I guess. You don’t always see them but they are always there.

This has to be my most colourful ramble yet

Raindrop stars 

The sound of droplets hitting the wide open window and the smell of rain never fail to calm me. With the lamppost being close to my room every raindrop looks like a star on the window. Each one twinkling in the lamp post light. I can hear my family breathing or snoring in there sleep around the house. 

Things like this. I will miss this. Just the feeling of being at home. The warmth of the house and the cold of the outside. The feeling that I am completely safe and that this is where I belong. The feeling that no matter how bad my day is I can come home to the people that love me. 

Being with family or even just people you love can make the world seem like a prettier place. A simple storm and open window become a night sky full of glistening droplet stars. 

Just being in a house full of love can make everything better. 

Not my greatest moment 

So here is a pro tip on how to not be a fool. I worked in retail and I was behind the till. And they have those magnets to get the security tags off. I was bored. I fidget a lot. The shop was dead. So I thought ‘Gee wiz! I wonder how strong these magnets are’. 

With a penny I was sticking it too the magnet and then I dropped it in the centre.let me tell you these magnets are strong. I then was stood with both hands using all my strength to try and pull it out. I’m talking full strength.

 Some guy walks past so I stand with both of my hands over it smiling. You know. Because that doesn’t look suspicious or weird. I had to use scissors to like pick it out. Then for no reason other than being the awkward person I am, I look up directly at the camera which has been on me the whole time (with my boss in the office probably watching) and shrug smiling. 

So as I said. My tip is don’t do that. 

Acceptance 

As part of my whole growing and road to nowhere thing I feel that I need to change. The first part of this is accepting what I am now. 

I am unattractive. My face is weird, I’m fat and I have a gross body. I am unhappy with my appearance to the point that I can’t do some things, can’t speak to some people and dislike leaving the house. But no more. I am unattractive and I accept that. This is who I am. I can’t change my face. I can lose weight and that will help. But I will still be ugly. But that’s okay. Because who’s cares? I may not be beautiful but I can enjoy the beauty of the world I live in and the beauty of the feelings I will experience. I can enjoy the beauty in living to the fullest! No more will I be hung up on my looks. Because I can’t change being ugly or the feelings I have about myself. But I can stop worrying about it. 

I am a horrible person. Best way to put it. My personality annoys me. I don’t stay true to myself. I don’t have motivation. I don’t deal with things. I say things without thinking. I talk to much. I’m selfish and rude. I never shut up and I never say the right thing. I’m just an unpleasant person to be around. But that’s okay. I have a lot of bad points. But I have good points too! I love to love. When I care about someone I care hard. When I make friends I am always loyal and true. I am good at helping people! For someone who doesn’t do good with life I am good at helping others. I love my family and do whatever I can to cheer them up and be there for them. I would die for them. I am a horrible person and I accept that because it doesn’t mean I can try and be less horrible and work harder with being loving and nice! I can talk less and listen and learn!

I am not who I want to be. I am not tough, smart or emotionally stable. I’m not a leader or someone for other people to look up to. I go unnoticed and I don’t stand out. I am not motivated as much as i would like. I am not who I want to be but that’s okay. I live in daydream after daydream where I am who I want to be. But I have done some great things in reality too!  I have made all those around proud of me. I have achieved things, I have many friends and people that want to know me. Maybe a lot of it has gone unnoticed. But to those I care about and those who care about me the things I do don’t go unnoticed. It’s okay that I’m not who I want to be because people who do love me, do so because it’s me. 

I am not tough. I cry easily, I feel lonely a lot. I can barely speak to people because of how shy I am. I worry so much and let things get to me. I am easily hurt and feel so weak. I am not tough and I accept that. And it’s okay. I am only young. I have taken a few hits in my life. A lot from myself. I can grow and become tough. I can learn to deal with things, learn to stand for what I believe in, learn to fight for it. 

I am not giving up. I am not going to let these things stop me. I am not going to stop living and spend all my life hiding because of what others will think or how I may not be that good or how I will just ruin it. I am not going to accept surrender because that is not okay. 

I will deal with my ridiculous amount of self loathing. I will learn to be kinder to myself and love myself. I can change for the better. I can figure out my life one step at a time. I can become tougher and fight. I can learn to be myself and be nicer. I can learn to accept myself. I can live. 

I am unhappy with who I am.  But that’s okay. Because I am not going to let it stop me from living.