So I have started learning Russian. I’m slowly walking along my road to nowhere and I thought ‘hey, seeing as I want to better myself and learn new things I should learn a language’. I have always wanted to be savvy in the “switching between languages like a spy” department. Plus it was a good idea which I have lots of. (Heelies in the workplace will still be effective in my eyes).
Originally I was going to learn Japanese but then decided to do something that wouldn’t be my obvious choice. So I chose Russian. It’s always been a favourite country of mine, it’s interesting and the language itself sounds pretty awesome.
This kinda kicked off some motivational dominoes in my life. I feel more accomplished. I’m going out more. I’m excited about my life again. I’m healthier. I’m actually preparing myself for uni rather than lying on the couch in my pjs procrastinating being alive. It’s nice that I’m jogging along my road to nowhere and I’m starting to enjoy the trip.
It’s finally gone. Good riddance. I have sent my UCAS and now my future is in fates hands. (Fate being the university admission staff). I feel both relieved and nervous. Relieved that I no longer have to make a personal statement about myself. Because no matter what way I read it I still cringe. But I’m nervous because it’s opening my eyes to university being real.
That probably sounds dumb. But in my gap year it has felt like a dream. I have worked and done the odd media related thing (like creating a personal blog the throw up my thoughts into) but I have had no rush. No schedule. No having to wake early and get work done in time. It’s weird breaking from the 13 years education I have been in and I believe it has made me like education more. When you have spent your life basing your worth on a grade it makes you feel quite dumb when you are no longer being graded.
I don’t miss the stress. Or the boring parts. But I do miss having that schedule. Because being completely free to do what I please is fun but I have no urgency, not much of a will to live at times either. I miss that I guess.
I find it harder to sleep now. My mind is always running wild till the point that I finally pass out from exhaustion. If my mind were train it would be a runaway. It’s like the mind wakes as your body sleeps. Mine goes crazy showing me scenarios that would never happen, fears that aren’t truly fearful and problems that aren’t as big as they seem. I feel that since I have hit eighteen I have matured and started to think about the bigger picture. Jobs, money and what the hell i want to do with my life. But sometimes I think too big.
My mind wanders to questions of why are we all here, what is our purpose and is death just death? It’s strange. One minute I’m thinking of how many pairs of socks I’ll have to pack for uni (I could probably live off 35) next I am questioning my own existence. Maybe I am just tired. Maybe the thoughts are the beginning of a dream. Maybe I’m just overthinking.
None of this is really important. But still I write these ramblings as I set off to sleep.