Being really indecisive can be a pain. I finally know which university I want to go. I can look at tons of different facts and opinions but I know what’s best when I get a gut feeling. With moving to university that’s mainly been a bad vibe zone. Because I’m pretty family oriented. But after looking at Bangor University I don’t know whether it was period pain or excitement but I had a good feeling about this place!!
It was so nice to find a place where the course was exactly what I’m looking for but only being an hour away! So when I have my weekly meltdowns as I’m terrible at being alive I can just jump on a train home!
Now that I have decided where I’m going it feels real. I feel excited! I’m excited to learn again! I’m excited to grow as a person and in knowledge! For the first time in what feels like forever I am excited about being busy and starting something new!
So I have started learning Russian. I’m slowly walking along my road to nowhere and I thought ‘hey, seeing as I want to better myself and learn new things I should learn a language’. I have always wanted to be savvy in the “switching between languages like a spy” department. Plus it was a good idea which I have lots of. (Heelies in the workplace will still be effective in my eyes).
Originally I was going to learn Japanese but then decided to do something that wouldn’t be my obvious choice. So I chose Russian. It’s always been a favourite country of mine, it’s interesting and the language itself sounds pretty awesome.
This kinda kicked off some motivational dominoes in my life. I feel more accomplished. I’m going out more. I’m excited about my life again. I’m healthier. I’m actually preparing myself for uni rather than lying on the couch in my pjs procrastinating being alive. It’s nice that I’m jogging along my road to nowhere and I’m starting to enjoy the trip.
I find myself reading a lot lately. I have always had an unbreakable love of books. I own more than I have read and have the worst habit of buying twenty more books when I still have many to finish. I will either read three books in a month or one book in three months with no in between.
While I’m waiting for responses from university I have gained a lot of free time. Time I usually would of wasted watching crap TV and scrolling through various apps on my phone. But I have gotten back into reading. I think we take advantage of how good a book can be. When reality takes it toll and you hit all time low there’s no better place to be than in a book. Books are completely underrated.
It makes me feel at peace. I don’t mean to toot my own horn but I will and say that I have a brilliant imagination. I have wrote so many stories. Created so many worlds. It’s one of the only aspects of myself that I actually like. So reading makes me feel free it lets my imagination sore. There are so many different genres and types of book to read! It can really play with your emotions. It’s such a good thing to be able to read, you get to look into another persons imagination and what they have created. Live adventures that you can’t live in your own reality.
I love to read. Books make me crave adventure, give me the feeling of want things and charting my own course. They make me happy.
So here is a pro tip on how to not be a fool. I worked in retail and I was behind the till. And they have those magnets to get the security tags off. I was bored. I fidget a lot. The shop was dead. So I thought ‘Gee wiz! I wonder how strong these magnets are’.
With a penny I was sticking it too the magnet and then I dropped it in the centre.let me tell you these magnets are strong. I then was stood with both hands using all my strength to try and pull it out. I’m talking full strength.
Some guy walks past so I stand with both of my hands over it smiling. You know. Because that doesn’t look suspicious or weird. I had to use scissors to like pick it out. Then for no reason other than being the awkward person I am, I look up directly at the camera which has been on me the whole time (with my boss in the office probably watching) and shrug smiling.
So as I said. My tip is don’t do that.
It’s finally gone. Good riddance. I have sent my UCAS and now my future is in fates hands. (Fate being the university admission staff). I feel both relieved and nervous. Relieved that I no longer have to make a personal statement about myself. Because no matter what way I read it I still cringe. But I’m nervous because it’s opening my eyes to university being real.
That probably sounds dumb. But in my gap year it has felt like a dream. I have worked and done the odd media related thing (like creating a personal blog the throw up my thoughts into) but I have had no rush. No schedule. No having to wake early and get work done in time. It’s weird breaking from the 13 years education I have been in and I believe it has made me like education more. When you have spent your life basing your worth on a grade it makes you feel quite dumb when you are no longer being graded.
I don’t miss the stress. Or the boring parts. But I do miss having that schedule. Because being completely free to do what I please is fun but I have no urgency, not much of a will to live at times either. I miss that I guess.
I find it harder to sleep now. My mind is always running wild till the point that I finally pass out from exhaustion. If my mind were train it would be a runaway. It’s like the mind wakes as your body sleeps. Mine goes crazy showing me scenarios that would never happen, fears that aren’t truly fearful and problems that aren’t as big as they seem. I feel that since I have hit eighteen I have matured and started to think about the bigger picture. Jobs, money and what the hell i want to do with my life. But sometimes I think too big.
My mind wanders to questions of why are we all here, what is our purpose and is death just death? It’s strange. One minute I’m thinking of how many pairs of socks I’ll have to pack for uni (I could probably live off 35) next I am questioning my own existence. Maybe I am just tired. Maybe the thoughts are the beginning of a dream. Maybe I’m just overthinking.
None of this is really important. But still I write these ramblings as I set off to sleep.
2016. What a year right. So much has happened and usually I will be sad a bout waving goodbye to the old year. This time however I am throwing it into the bin. I have had worse years. 2014 likes to poke its horrid face into my memories occasionally. But 2017 I will start a new. I won’t bore you with the overused bable of losing weight, being healthy and the other New Year resolutions most people make.
For me it really is a new start. (With 17 being one of my favourite numbers I have high hopes, which is something in itself being as pessimistic as I). I have so many adventures I want to go on this year. I’m starting uni I’m going to different countries I’m going to meet new people. I am going to change myself entirely. To become the me I want to be.
Time to take the first step.
Making decisions is obviously hard when you are crazily indecisive. For example I felt comfortable with the course I picked for university but then every other course seemed better and that the course wasn’t for me. I decided after months and months of thinking that I will be moving in to uni. But then suddenly my home feels warmer my family and I have the best Christmas we have ever had. I finally go to dye my hair but then back out because other colours look nice. Even little things leave me figuring out the pros and cons just so I will make a decision.
Whenever I make up my mind something changes. Something happens for me to stop and get confused. The only thing I am 100% on is that I am too indecisive for my own good.
18. Awkward age really. Then again I have been awkward my whole life. This blog will probably be awkward. I like to think it’ll be funny. People laugh at me a lot so I must have some comedic flair to me.
Everyone has a road in life. I have full control over my road. Where it’s going and what I am going to do. Not that I have any idea what I am doing. Any thoughts that I have or advice on how not to make a fool of yourself (advice from a professional fool I should say) will be thrown on here.
I guess this is what this blog will be about.
An awkward eighteen year old and her road to nowhere.