Hot flashes and cold feet 

Oh no. 

So it seems that when I sleep less I think more. Overthink that is. I was so 100% on the university I’m going to and how excited I was for the course. But now I’m really confused. 

The university I am attending in September is Bangor University. However thanks to lack of sleep, anxiety and stress I am now questioning everything once again. Part of me is regretting my choice. There is a tiny part of me that wants to go York St Johns. Yet there is also a part of me that wants to forget moving away and going to a Liverpool University so I’m close to home. 

Now the best thing to do when overthinking is to stop and realise why you are overthinking. I’m just nervous about being alone. Worried about making friends and failure. You know the emotions any and all soon to be uni students have. 

It’s also probably because I didn’t have a great time on the visit day. After a week of work and lack of sleep I ended up being too stressed and nervous to enjoy the day. So I have left a stain on my picture of what I thought Bangor Uni was. The course looks amazing, the uni and the city does too. I just wish I wasn’t so awkward. Or tense. Because I ruined it for myself. 

I want to be excited about university but all I seem to feel is nervous and scared. Hopefully this is just nerves and lack of sleep. 

The Jar

I feel like my body is a jar. Because lately I have felt empty. You put emotions and feelings in the jar. You close the lid and don’t open it. But then at some point like always the feelings and emotions get out. 

The reason my cleverly pushed down feelings escaped was because I finally got some help. My family are very close I could tell my family anything and I know they will always have my back. But we all sat and talked about what’s been stressing us out and getting us down. 

It felt nice to get everything off my chest. Well not everything. There’s still some issues I don’t tell my family but those are my demons to fight. I told them how I hate everything about myself and feel like I’m destined for failure and abandonment. How I can’t control how grossed out and uncomfortable I get about some things. (I hate being a germaphobe) 

I have figured out some solutions and my family will help me and it’s making me happy. I only feel empty because emotionally I’m exhausted. But that’s okay. Maybe this time my jar will fill with love and happiness rather than bad feelings.  

Low self esteem or drama queen? 

I’m probably both. If I’m being honest with myself. 

I made that post before saying how I wasn’t gonna let things stop me from living and how I won’t let my self hatred get me down. But it’s hard. I don’t know whether it’s because of recent events, childhood bullies or my anxiety that has made it difficult to like myself. 

I only have two views of myself. And I switch between them. (Which is fun.). I either hate everything about myself. Or I think that I’m pretty good. But who doesn’t. 

People often tell me not to be so hard on myself. But that’s hard. When you constantly give yourself advice and try to change but at the same time never listen to said advice and keep making things worse. It’s hard to not be so hard. 

I have a lot of issues with myself. I hope I can learn how to fix them and deal with them on my road to nowhere. Because I’m tired of trying. 

This post isn’t really going anywhere. Kinda like my train of thought. 

The day we went to Bangor…

On the first weekend of April me and my family set out to stay in North Wales for the weekend to visit my 1st choice University and see all the things that will soon be a part of my life. It was both breathtaking and terrifying. 

So to start Bangor is a beautiful place. Tiny for a city. But as someone with no sense of direction I’m pretty glad about that. It’s also very hilly. I doubt there is any part that is not hill. (Again this is a plus because with all the walking my legs are gonna be great). It’s both near sea and countryside which is totally my aesthetic. There was a constant feeling of awe as I looked around my soon to be home. 

Bangor university itself is amazing. A great mixture of old and new. The clash of Bangor Unis main building (cleverly nicknamed Hogwarts) and the new Pontio centre makes it stand out. The library took my breath away. It’s grand, old and beautiful. One of the best I have seen.

 But the main part of the university I wanted to see was the School of Creative Studies and Media. It’s situated on a hill (shocking I know) quite close to the main buildings. The views from the building are amazing. But unfortunately in this building I was not so amazing. I guess the mix of excitement and fear for too much for me and I could feel myself blushing and stuttering. Every time I spoke part of me wished for death. Me being a complete fool aside the media course is so varied. 

As a indecisive person a course that offers such variety is perfect! Radio, film, journalism, game design and much more, all mine for the taking! I’m excited to be getting back into creating and learning! With my main favourite in media being radio I am planning to join the University radio! (Hopefully). The equipment there is pretty advance, definitely better than college. The scenery around holds a great places for short films or documentaries. I’m quite looking forward to journalism too, it’s pretty new to me but maybe I will follow in my families lead on being a journalist type presenter on the radio? Who knows? 

Being at Bangor and seeing the accommodation in real life made me realise some things too. Originally I was all for St Mary’s village. With the cool new studios, aesthetic layout and view of Bangor. However being there I realised 1. I could not and would not walk up and down ‘cardiac hill’ everyday. It’s too much. 2. I don’t want to be 20 minutes away from everything. 3. I’ve realised that as cool as the studios are I would be extremely lonely. Especially with it being in the edge of flats? So Ffriddoed looks like the best place to stay. With it being closer to my school, the shops, the nightlife and just to other people as well.

I left Bangor with a lot of mixed feelings. Excitement of all the adventures I’m going to go on, all the things I’m going to create and everything I’m going to learn. Embarrassment over how I got so nervous and shy. And fear. Fear of change, of the people I might live with, whether I’m going to fail. But I’m looking forward to new beginnings and I’m ready to give it my all. 

Ah well. Even if my feelings are mixed and my heads a mess. I can’t wait to start this adventure! 

Adventure is out there! 

I can not contain my excitement! I keep getting worried and overthinking about university but today I felt really excited again! Bangor University have sent me and all there other nervous and excited students a treasure map! (best way to put it like a map with full of treasure to be frank)

Now I know that sounds childish but I have loved pirates since I was a kid and that’s the first thing the map reminded me of. It’s full of all the best things around Bangor University and all of the best places for adventurers and explorers! 

It has really helped me get excited for university again! I’m excited to be learning media  because I’m so passionate about it and I can’t wait to make new friends (even if I am incredibly nervous). But this map has made me love the university even more and abruptly awoken the adventurer in me! Okay so here are some of the things in and around Bangor that I can’t wait to see and explore! 

First off the beaches are a huuuuge thing to me! I pretty much grew up with days at the beach. I could walk all over North Wales from memory by now and there are so many different things to do! Snorkelling at Trearddur Bay, surfing at Rhosneigr beach, seal watching and a boat trip to puffin island and frankly just living by the sea will make me so happy! 

I feel like a little kid going on holiday! I can’t wait to go exploring with my trusty camera blogging all about every place I visit! I used to think it was stupid how hyped people got about university but damn I’m feeling it. If I become a Bangor swot I don’t even care I’m too excited.  
There I so much I can’t wait to see! Caernarfon castle, the Menai Bridge, Beaumaris castle, the fastest zip line in the world, Snowdonia National Park and TV Coch Inn! All these places to visit and explore. The best scones in wales at Bangor pier will definitely worth a try, karaoke at Uno student bar will be worth a go (if I am drunk enough) and I plan to join loads of societies especially those that promote adventure! 

The university itself has me excited! Other than the media studies I am excited about being a student again! The main building is nicknamed Hogwarts and it has a Quidditch team! The library. My god the library is beautiful. As a bibliophile and library lover it makes me so happy to see such a beautiful place! 

I am enthusiastic and ready to work my hardest and always do my best! But also plan to take this map (along with other maps as I have no sense of direction) and explore, go on adventures and live fully in Bangor!

I haven’t felt this excited in ages but I can feel all my worries drifting away. I can’t wait for university! I can’t wait to have a life! There is also the longest place name in Europe. It’s Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch! I mean how do you even pronounce that? 

All in all I just feel happy, enthusiastic and ready for my adventure at university! 

Spring in the air, spring in my step!

Spring! Finally! I have missed spring. The cherry blossoms, flowers, the trees! Just the way everything blooms! I’m feeling blooming too, pretty blooming good!

I’m using this time to change! Spring is the time of year for birth and new things, so I’m recreating myself. At the end of college I had become someone I didn’t really like. I had gotten used to being unhealthy, unhappy and unattractive both in looks and personality. So I’m changing.

I’m doing pretty well with learning to love myself and being happier! I am trying to better myself and live. Because for a lot of my gap year I have been alive but not living.

One of my main changes is that I’m going to be less pessimistic. Or well I’m going to try. I’m also being more active. I’m working out 4 hours a week along with working! Just so I get back into the swing of being busy. I lost my get up and go so I’m planting a seed of motivation that will grow.

I’m also going to be more myself. A bad habit of mine and I’m sure on most people have is changing who you are for people. In my last post I talked about how different people bring aspects of yourself out. If I looked at my last two friend groups. Then looked at me with them. There is a difference. I haven’t changed just different parts of me were exaggerated. But from now on I’m just going to be me. 100%.

I’m also going to go out more. I find that when I’m sat inside I just feel lazier and depressed. The weather is lovely again so I have no reason not to go and explore!

This spring is the year I finally bloom!

A good egg

I’m affectionate. Loving. Some would say over emotional and sometimes I feel a lot in one go.

I have been thinking a lot. Like usual. And maybe it’s because it’s my favourite time of the year, or because with the weather getting warmer my icy heart is staring to thaw. But I realised I have some great friends. A real bunch of good eggs.

Through each stage of your life you make different friends and with that there is a different version of yourself with each friend group. It’s still you just some people bring out different parts about you. From wanting to look like a living doll to becoming a meme.

But I have gotten back in touch with old friends and I’m staying strong with my newer friends. I find it hard to make friends. Either because of the fact I am completely incapable of speaking to people without stuttering or over sharing or just because I don’t like people. But when I make friends? Whoo boy. Do I love them with all my heart? Yes. Would I kill for them? Probably. Will I pray that we stay friends forever like a five year old? Most likely.

But the people I met at college are probably the best people I have ever met. Different. In friend groups it’s easy for people to be alike but they are so individual and beautiful in their own way. And they get me. Like me for me. I don’t have to change myself around them. I’m pretty sure I was going to make a point with this blog post. But now I’m just gushing on how I love my friends.

I mean you know they are good when they listen to your puns and don’t leave you!

I mean it’s a start?

If you have been readin my posts (god knows why) you would see that I have been sat in a metaphorical ditch. One of those ditches that get deeper as you try to climb out. But I have finally dragged myself out of it. 

After feeling bad for a while and not really doing anything. Ever. I have started being productive again! I have been excepted in my first choice university! I’m even visiting them soon, checking out the nearby student studios and getting to know the city around it. I also got a job again! I have worked at this place before so I’m happy to be going back! (Also I’m very thrilled to have money again. For a spendthrift I’m pretty poor) 

Even though there is a part of me that is pretty much ready to sleep for a thousand years I’m excited to be productive and maybe sort my life out! Now that I only have to pick my accommodation I’m really excited about university too! Probably a good idea to start going over all of my media stuff so I turn up like a pro. Hopefully that ditch was the only one on my road to nowhere. (Probably not)

So how are things? Things are good!

Narrator: Things were not good. 

This isn’t going to be like my other posts I’m afraid. I guess the rest are more hopeful and just thoughts. But everyone gets bad thoughts too I guess. My biggest problem is that I hate myself. I just fully hate myself. I find it hard to find stuff I like about myself or even think good about myself. (Except for my humour and jokes. Probably the best part about me.) 

I have been like this for years now. I have stumbled again on my road to nowhere. This time I’m finding it hard to get up. It’s hard to be motivated about life and moving forward when you haven’t had any motivation or strive to be alive since you were sixteen. It’s rare that I do anything anymore. I just feel like nonexisting for a while. I don’t want to die. I’m quite happy with being alive. But I wish I could take breaks. Stop existing for a bit. 

I probably just sounds like every other eighteen year old. Moaning about how the world is cruel and how life is hard and how I’m pathetic and wallowing in self pity. Well I’m right. I am being pathetic. It gets harder for me to look in the mirror because a fat ugly disappointment of a person stares back. The bitch who cause all my problems. The one who threw me into this cycle of being unhealthy, unhappy and unmotivated to do anything. 

I’m constantly screaming internally at life. I’m so stressed all the time to the point where I have made myself ill. I’m so unhappy with who I am that I would rather not exist. I’m so worried of failing again that i don’t have the motivation to try. 

But I just have to breathe. Everyone has bad days. Everyone has demons. I guess for today they just tripped me up. But I’ll get back up tomorrow. I’ll carry on my road to nowhere. 

Mama didn’t raise a quittter. 

Purple Skies 

I have felt a lot of love recently, not because it was near Valentine’s Day but because of my family. I went out the other day and on the bus home I watched the sky as my siblings sleepily sat next to me.

I watched the peach and blue sky. It was a strange combination of colours. But I felt a combination of feelings at the time. I felt pretty peachy. After having a fun day out with my bro and sis, spending most of it laughing and messing about in shops I was happier than usual. But ami also felt pretty blue. Times like this (and excuse me for being an overly emotional person) I think about how much I love my family. My siblings may be annoying sometimes but they are my best friends.

Maybe this is just my inner English student but I was feeling a lot of pathetic fallacy on the my ride home. The sky had changed again to a purple and violet sky. It matches my mood at least. I felt a bit down but calm. I’m really going to miss them being around all the time. Our daily chats, weekly adventures and all year round jokes.

I felt calm however. I feel calm because even though I am moving out they will always be there. Thanks to tech and weekend sleepovers. But at the same time they are only a call away. Family are like stars I guess. You don’t always see them but they are always there.

This has to be my most colourful ramble yet